Stood Up

Seems it is very hard *not* to doubt my self-worth when people totally disregard me.  I thought I had a date tonight....boy texted me Thurs night that he'd get in touch midday today.  Midday came and went, and with it the rainy dreary day it was.  The weather turned bright and sunny, so I was really looking forward to a night out....but then no word.  I, not wanting to be pushy, waited.   And waited....oh yeah...and then I waited.   Always waiting....why is that?  Then it got to the point where I either had to get ready and leave, or not go.  So I thought I better ask him what's up.  Trouble was I was scared.  Sat with my self and my thoughts and my emotions and went right back to all those times as a child....waiting for my mom....who never showed.  I was afraid to call because I didn't want the rejection.  If I didn't call I could still cling on to that teeny bit of hope.  But I would also be subjecting myself to the whims of this other person.  So I texted...."are we still going tonight?"  
...
...
*crickets*

Apparently not.  And it's not like it's a huge deal.  It's not like I was so emotionally vested in this guy or anything...it's just the point.  The ever-recurring cycle that happens in my life.  I thought maybe I was figuring out a way to break out of it....but I guess not.  How can I help from asking myself, "what am I doing wrong?"  Or worse, "what's wrong with me?"   Bleah.  I don't think there's anything wrong with me, and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong....but WTF IS THE PROBLEM THEN?!?!!??!    Sigh.  I keep trying to make sense of it.  I forget....life doesn't make sense.   But don't worry, life never fails to remind me.  It's okay.  The problem is that I had lots of productive things I could have done today.  Gardens need weeding, kitchen needs cleaning, things need sorting, laundry needs folding....but I was in play mode.  And now I'm clean and shiny and not-quite-dressed-yet....but no where to go.  If town wasn't so far away, I'd go in anyway, but at this point I'm really not feeling the hour and a quarter drive.

And I had coworkers who swore he was a nice guy.   'Tis what 'tis.....whatever that is.  ::wrinkle nose::  I'm not a fan.  But I suppose there is a lesson in this....guess I'll go try to find it.

My friend just told me, "Better now than later."   And I said, "Yup.  That's how I roll 'em."