Here we go over the rainbow

If everything happens for a reason (not that I'm entirely sure that it does) then there must be a reason my relationships never last long.   There must be a reason that I can't seem to find someone to share my life with.  I'm very much trying to learn to be happy now, be content with life in this moment, always.  But I'm lonely.  I'm too often lonely for my tastes.  I love alone time...but lately it's just gotten so lonely. 

Listening to this song just now, Home, I was again reminded of how wonderful it can feel to have a partner in life.  My mind wandered...and I thought of a few things.  Of all the loves I've known, obviously none fit that "perfect-for-me" category.  None lasted long enough or was so wonderful that I haven't been able to get over it with time.  So most likely this relationship will be the same.  In time, I'll get over it.  (Hear the tone of slightly bitter resignment)  It's going to be hard...it's always hard.  Some have been more difficult than others, but it's never an easy thing.  And yet none of these relationships ever spanned more than a short period of time.  But what if I did find that perfect person?  What if I found my "soul mate" and we spent decades of wonderful amazing happy growing loving learning time together ... and then I lost him?

I truly can't even imagine what that would be like.

And when I imagine that pain, and put it in perspective of this pain...this pain kinda pales in comparison. This pain falls right off the "pain" scale into the realm of slight discomfort or frustration.

Maybe I do get too dependent on the emotional refuge of a significant other.

Maybe I will never find that perfect-for-me person until I can emotionally handle losing them.

So I guess I better start now.  In the grand ol' biggy scheme of things....this sadness I feel is pretty insignificant. 

Not that I'm dismissing my pain.  I've learned to honor my heart and the emotions it feels....but maybe I just need to take my heart out of it's hiding place more often, on a hot air balloon ride....maybe my heart needs to grasp the perspective my mind has been trying to force on it for years.  Except maybe it's just that I've been doing it all wrong.  Trying to just make rules, order the heart into submission.  "UNDERSTAND!!!  I COMMAND YOU!!"  Yeah...cuz that ever works.  Uh..no.

I'm sure this seems simplistic to a great many number of people....but it's a subtle little amazing paradigm shift for me.  Maybe I just need to say to my heart, "ok, this is gonna be scary, but we're going on a little trip...but it's an adventure...so if you focus on the excitement, and the hope of better things...when we reach the other side there will be rainbows, and joy, and love, and indescribable beauty....all of these of a caliber that you cannot yet     -   even     -    fathom."

First Snow

     The night sky stretched on forever, clear and dark.  Stars shining as only the stars of winter can.  Snow-hushed sounds seemed nearer, more real..alive.  I stood for a moment, after arriving home, in the yard - bundled and laden down with bags and boxes.  I took in the white layer of frosting coating everything, making it seem different and new again, even in the darkness.  Aldebaron, my favorite star, and my favorite constellation, The Pleides, shone bright above my house, sinking now towards the horizon.  Our first snow of the season - so late - but it felt good. 
     I stood, for a moment, to be in the moment.  The air was warm for winter, three inches of crumbling snow on the ground...I could hear the running of rivulets...melting snowflakes sluicing off a roof or tree somewhere.  A bird (or a dog) making strange noises in the distance.  I crunch-srushed in my brand new hot pink sneakers to my door and unlocked it to go in.  My kitty stood waiting, but now unsure if she really wanted to venture out onto the white ground.
     I came out again, for the second and final load of groceries and things.  I breathed in deep the air, looking all around -
                                            - the Snow -
                                                               - the Sky -
                                                                               - the Sounds - 
                                                                                                      - and as I srush-stepped back towards my home I smiled....so blessed.