...as a flower or a stone...

The Solitary by Sara Teasdale

Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?

It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.

I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.

If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?

I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.

And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.

Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance

I'm stressed. This is nothing new. I seem *always* to be stressed. There are just too many things that I want to do, and I want to do them all. Now. I've gotten WAAYY better, believe me. Right now the house is still in disarray from post-party mess, and it just adds to the general mess that always seems to be present. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown, cuz there is NEVER enough time. Through it all though, I keep trying to remind myself to keep calm, keep my perspective, be thankful. I am soo blessed and so lucky and so loved. No, I still haven't found the "love of my life." I am still very lonely in that regard, but so are millions of people, so I try not to dwell. Even when my heart cries out, even when I have imaginary conversations teaching my unborn daughter about life and love. I acknowledge the pain and ask it to move on. I am doing my best. For maybe the first time in my life, I am doing my absolute best, giving everything I have to my life and my goals, and I have nothing more. It doesn't seem to be enough, which kinda sucks, but there is comfort in knowing I'm doing all I can.

Music is so important to me, and the irony is that it was never a part of my life growing up. Not in the sense that I was ever around musicians or anything. My family were always big dancers at weddings and stuff, but not a single person in my family plays an instrument...so where did this deeply seated need in my soul for music come from? I guess that's the answer right there, my soul. Even my friends, some of them played in band or sang in chorus, but none had this need for it like I did. It's frustrating to me because I can't seem to find a group to share that with. Unfortunately many of the people I have found that share the love for music also share a love of drugs and crazy party lifestyles.

So anyway..when I start to feel desperate I have found a new salvation...Pandora radio. Ha ha!! Now I sound like an adverstisement. But seriously...I have this station started with Loreena McKennit (the one who does Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance) and similar artists to her. In the midst of my breakdown just now, I put the station on, and that song was the first to come on. This has got to be one of my most favorite songs ever. It speaks directly to my soul. I hear it and it brings me home..if only in memory or imagination...I am brought back to the time my best friends and I danced on a summer night at the cliffs on the beach, with the song playing on our little radio, dancing and twirling under the starlight....and I am brought forward to a time that I fear will only ever be in my head, where I am dancing with friends again, feeling that same sense of belonging...

Anyhow...this song came on and I fell to my knees in tears...I fight my heart so often because what it wants must wait..always must wait. But I don't feel sorry for myself. I keep fighting, keep trying, keep working on this tough road that I hope will one day lead to a happy dream come true place. I can't feel sorry for myself because I know how lucky I am, and this is good. But in the back of my mind, in the deep dark depths of my heart I wonder...am I even on the right road? Will I forever live this confused struggle and never quite get it right? These thoughts are fleeting, because the struggle takes precendence soon again...but this question, this fear, this hope remains...and it haunts me.