So 2011 is supposed to be a really lucky year for us, being that 11 is our lucky number and all, and they'll be a big giant ELEVEN looming over everything all the time for the entire year....but the catch is that *technically* eleven isn't necessarily lucky. For me it's often times more like a "fate number." Which means that when I see 11's around a lot I feel like I'm on the right path, even if things don't seem to be going well. It's kind of like a reminder that everything's going according to plan. But anyway....I digress.
The year started while I was working my shift at the bar, feeling weaker by the hour as I felt a cold coming on. I have friends who were nice enough to come sit with me until my shift was over so we could go out and at least celebrate for some of the night. One of my friends even mopped the floor for me! Unfortunately, by the time I was done cleaning I was feeling very sick and our big new year's plans dissolved into chillin' at the IHOP. It wasn't so bad, really. The group I was with, for different reasons, all were a bit relieved with the decision. Anyhow...the next two days I was in bed with a fever over 100 degrees. Happy New Year!!
Now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm off to tackle my biggest resolution: GET ORGANIZED. Despite my roommate's eye-rolling and "oh I believe you, it's just that I'm having deja vu," comment, I have confidence that organization will be achieved this year. You see, I know this year will be different because I have found a tool that I can just see working. It's from the book Sidetracked Home Executives. It involves a 3x5 index card rotating system that I really think will work for me involving daily chores, weekly chores, monthly, etc.
This morning I woke up, still feeling a little sore-throatish and decided I'm not quite well enough for coffee, so....tea! I walked into the kitchen and glanced at the china cabinet where sat a blue square tea cup and saucer. My grandmother gave this to me years and years ago as my special tea cup. I loved it, but honestly never used it but for a couple of times in all these years. My grandmother always reminds me that you need to treat yourself and "do something for your soul." This morning I felt my soul needed a treat, so I took out my teacup from center stage on the first shelf of the cabinet and washed it. Realizing the dishes should probably be done if I'm ever going to take this "getting organized" thing seriously, I proceeded to wash the rest of the things in the sink. Meanwhile the water's heating, and I fill a teapot with Irish Breakfast Teabags, then finish the dishes while it brews.
I almost stopped, feeling tired again, but I washed up the last two things, then went for the tea. I reached into the dishdrain and pulled out the beautiful blue square tea cup, placing it beside me on the counter and turned to get the saucer. And then -
CRASH!
I didn't even look. I stood there, stunned. Seriously?? The counter must have just vanished beneath the teacup because I just put it down. But no, I must have knocked it off somehow or missed the counter or something, because instead of a beautiful blue square teacup I now had about 5 large chunks of ceramic on the kitchen floor. I was sooo upset. Usually I don't worry about things breaking. There's a Navajo saying a friend once told me, "don't cry for something that can't cry for you." And I take this to heart, a thing is just a thing, but this was different. The fact that I saved it, and never used it, and waited until I wanted to "do something nice for my soul" all these years for it to break now...before I even had any tea - UGGHH!!
I cried of course, and in my crying went to dark places. Thoughts of worthlessness and less than, and all things failure exploded in my brain. That with the constant voice of reason calmly insisting, "it's just a teacup." I looked to see if, by chance, I could find a replacement online, but to no avail. Obviously, it was sentimental. That's why I cried. Because to me it was my grandmother's very feeling that I was special that I broke into pieces. I discredited this thought as soon as it formed. My grandmother still thinks I'm special, she's still with me, the tea cup is not her, or her feelings, it's just a symbol. But discrediting thoughts doesn't work well when those thoughts are emotions. I felt like if she knew I broke the cup, part of her would feel like I wasn't as special as she thought, not as deserving of a unique teacup all my own. And again the voice of reason chiming in and recognizing these thoughts as false. False but true. The emotions were still there.
So I sat down to blog about a teacup. And in doing so I've started to feel better about the whole thing. In the middle of typing my grandmother called and I told her what happened. Contrary to my fears, she didn't think any less of me at all. She said, "oh yeah, I remember that teacup." I told her how I rarely use it, and then the one day I try to, I break it. I found myself tearing up again, trying to convey how utterly sorry I was. And she responded, "see, you have to use it or lose it!"
We laughed. And just like that all was well again. Maybe she's right. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I had gotten a lot of use out of it. If I had treated myself to special tea-times countless times before, it wouldn't have upset me so much. I kept laughing about the irony of the whole thing -use it or lose it. I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to lose it, but that didn't work so well. My grandmother is an amazing woman. I guess it's like the saying, "don't postpone Joy." We can't save up the magic moments or memories by not having them. I'll remember that this year, on my quest to live an organized life. I must remember not to postpone Joy, or treating my self when I need to, - or using the special all-for-me teacup.
