Circles of Solitude

I am following Rilke this year. I find his writings to be very nourishing for my soul at this time. I crave his words now, and they seem to always offer some beauty for my soul to rest in for a while.  Yesterday's post I will link here because I think it is a larger issue I have been touching on for some time now.  The idea of solitude and the question as to its role in our lives.          The Solitude We Are

     One of the comments references John O'Donohue who wrote the book  Anam Cara.  This book has long been a sort of Bible for me.  The wisdom found within its pages is so simple in its truth that it cannot be denied.  I can read it a thousand times and still come back to it, open up a page randomly and find some meaning I never saw before.  He talks a lot about solitude.  I bought this book when it first came out in hardcover.  I was living in Ireland at the time, studying abroad and doing a bit of soul searching (I suppose as I always am.)  This book called to me.  The paper book cover is all tattered now after being lent to friends and travelling with me these 14 years.  But the questions and musings of my heart and soul that brought me to the book still remain.  It seems I have been dealing with loneliness and solitude for most of my life.  

   I'd like to think I've learned a little bit, that I've retained some of what I've "learned."  But life is like a spiral.  We always revisit things.   We go in cycles and patterns, and our greatest hope is that the next time a thing comes around again we are a little higher up in the swirl.  Hopefully we've grown and can use that similar experience to gain a deeper insight and further grow.  In this new, yet all-too-familiar stressful situation I find myself in, I feel like I am close to a breakthrough.  I don't know why I feel like this.  There's no indicator, I don't exactly feel hopeful.  Hmm...I think the difference is actually boredom.  

   And I laugh out loud. :) 

      I am tired of this place, I've seen it before, and I'm afraid the past few times has not been any higher on the spiral.  It's terrifying and uncomfortable and all those things, but it's kinda like a reoccurring nightmare.   I've seen it all before, and after enough times you start to remember.  You can see how it's all going to play out and you really don't want it to end the way it always does...

 - and some errant tentacle of my psyche is yawning at the ridiculousness of it all.  

    And that small little difference, that drop of humor that has entered the mind changes the chemistry *just* enough to start the growth of something.  Crystals of hope perhaps?  Or perspective?  Resolve?  I don't know yet.  I just know that something's gotta give this time, 'cuz I'm tired of spinning in circles.

Love vs. Crazies

So....I'm in a new relationship.  And it's complicated.  Seems in my life I am always drawn to near-impossible undertakings...but that's a whole other barrel of monkeys.  It's been a long time since I've been in a "real" relationship.  Read: two people who have genuine feelings for each other beyond lust and/or need.  The issues that are coming up for me now, while blissfully quiet in my long bout of singledom, now compete for center stage.  These two elements of my injured psyche are rearing their maniacal heads, circling one another, and in turns attacking my heart or each other, trying to prove which is the bigger issue.  Trust and Unworthiness.    Truly I think they're actually in cahoots, but we'll take it one battle at a time.  "Trust" is a name like "Little John."  Called by the exact opposite of what it is.  The issue of "Trust" is in fact, the complete lack of it, otherwise known as one of the many guises of Fear.

Without going into too many details, it will suffice to say that the structure of this relationship to start with is not the best for people with my specific breed of issue.  **See above regarding impossible undertakings.  My logical brain loves to point out this obvious fact, but my soul in its infinite wisdom has brought an element to the table that just may balance out the whole mind/heart disparity.  This crucial element is this: these issues are ones that I have been able to avoid until now.  And yes, probably if I was in a "normal" relationship (wtf does that mean anyway???) I would be able to skate by the issues and go on, pretending they didn't *truly* need to be addressed.  But here, and now, where I've followed my heart down this rabbit hole, all the demons have come out to play.  I could turn and run screaming, and try to scramble back out of the hole...but I've seen them now, and there can be no more pretending.  So I stay. And I face them.  And maybe, just maybe, I'm ready now to fight.

This post was written 2/11/11....don't know why it never got published.


When is the moment when a wave has left the shore? How can you draw a line in the ever changing sands upon which the water crosses again and again? You can see them coming, you can feel them crashing upon you, and you watch them pull away.

When the people very close to you pass on, I think part of you dies too. It's like the waves, each little molecule of water connected, pulling each other, seperate yet the same. That is the natural cycle, that is how we can learn not to fear death, as long as those we have loved strongly have passed before us, part of us is already on the other side.

Raising the cauldron to simmer

I have many resolutions for this year.....Of course, the year had a little bit of a rocky start for me, but that's what LUNAR NEW YEAR is for!!!!  So I'm restarting the year on Monday.  This will be the year of the Dragon, which is very exciting for me because I've always loved dragons.  In trying to google some info on what the symbolism and influences will be for a Dragon year, I've found very conflicting vague information.  Generally though, the Dragon is considered one of the luckiest signs in Chinese astrology...so I'm just going to go with that. :)

One of my main resolutions is to be more creative.  I'm working on getting together with friends on this project to help stay motivated.  One of my dearest friends, Carolyn and I are starting another blog as a format to share creative explorations.  She's in France currently so the blog, I think, is the best way for us to do this.  If you'd like to check it out, visit Smaerd Nacirema.

 Also, I'm submerging myself, this year, in the writings of Rainer Maria Rilke.  There's actually a book A Year With Rilke, which has one-a-day bits of his writings.  I find him amazingly nourishing for my soul at this chapter of my life.  In researching more of his work on the web, I found two other writers who actually followed this book in blog form last year.  It was very well done, and although I'm a year behind, I'm going to follow it as I go along my journey.  Check it out!   A Year With Rilke  

And I'll leave it at that for now.  Have a wonderful day!