Guilt

I realized something about Guilt last night...although it is something that has been brewing for a while and only just finished up. I realize Guilt is a large part of my depression and it is something I must renounce forever. I'm not in the mood to go into full details about everything right now, but I will one day. I quit one of my jobs today because the scheduling started to conflict too much and I do feel guilty about it. Guilt is a terrible habit and it is useless.

the powers that be

For some reason my internet stopped working...the funny thing is that my roommates wasn't working for the past week, then she sat down at my computer to check email and mine stopped working. The funniest part is that hers was working again after that. Apparently our computers are at war over the internet connection, or as she says it is a message from above that I've been spending too much time online...so...I guess I'll be off for a while until I am deemed worthy again.

Struggle

Yesterday I worked for the first time on my own at the Holiday Inn Bar. One of the other woman stayed after her serving shift to help me clean up and do the paperwork, which was nice since I had only done it twice before, and never by myself. While I was there I met some great people. Travelling people, people with interesting stories and personality. I talked with them, shared my dream and I generally felt good at the end of the night.

During the day I bought St. John's Wort at the health food store because I was feeling so incredibly depressed that I seriously think I need to go to a psychiatrist, but I can't afford that.

Last night was the Full Moon. She was beautiful.

I've lost my joy somewhere and I need to find it.





Dejamour by Jonathan Meader

Anyone got a map???

I love maps. They're just so useful. Even when you want to just drive and see where the road takes you, you need to have a map at some point to find the way home.

The thing about life is that everyone's landscape is unique and you kind of have to make up the map as you go along. But if you're stuck in the "you are here" and want to get to the "there" it is always a challenge whose champion isn't always the most skilled. You need luck, and damn good timing too.

I started one of my jobs today, and it was okay, it's serving tables, and that's that. I like that we have outdoor seating so I get a good deal of fresh air and sunshine, but I'm not sure how the money will be. For now it will have to do...we'll see how job #2 goes tomorrow. But getting a job is another step on the road to dreamland. It occured to me before writing this post that I haven't really said what my "dream" is. I guess I have a million dreams really from getting in shape to living in an ecologically sustainable world. I have dreams of travel and learning languages, of artistic creation and creating a family. But the dream I focus on here is one that will hopefully lead to and surround all the others.
This is a dream I share with my best friend. Our dream is to have an Herb Farm. At least 10 acres of land on which we have a house. We will also have a shop and one day a cafe. We will grow herbs and have relaxing, interesting herb gardens to walk through or sit in. There will be herbal crafts for sale and classes to learn from. There will be fresh herbal teas and food in the cafe and poetry readings at night. We will live where we work and love where we live. Waking up to the beautiful land, with rolling hills and trees and a little stream. We will work with nature, in the fresh air, in the rain, and we will live with the seasons.
Our next goal is buying the house and land, which is why we must serve tables and such for now. If anyone knows an inexpensive lot as described above, please contact me!!

Doggy Park of Destiny

I didn't write yesterday cuz we drove out to Richmond to see my a friend of my roommate's play in his band called UMelt. It was a lot of fun. Earlier in the day she had taken her dog to the doggy park and met some interesting fellows. She called me from there saying "I got you a job!...if you want it." Apparently a fellow Long Islander like ourselves recently moved to Charlottesville and now works at the Holiday Inn where he needs servers and bartenders to work for him. He owns a black poodle and so is a regular patron of the above mentioned doggy park. I went and met with him later and I will start work this weekend. WAHOO! Job=money which is good.
She also met another guy at the doggy park who is a vegetarian (like me) and hikes a lot. We got some info on local hiking and must soon begin our regular treks into the wilderness of Virginia.
Of course...when it rains it p0urs...as it was doing yesterday, the whole thing, lightning, thunder, trees falling down...good times. But on the way to Richmond the OTHER job I applied for called me and I'm also starting there this weekend....
I'm a little daunted by the idea of training for two jobs at once and juggling schedules and all, but I think it will work out.
Today it is gray out, but not storming yet. I wish it would cuz I think that would make me feel better. As it is I have no motivation to do any of the many things I need to. But I will try.

The Dark before the Dawn

The majority of today I spent....asleep. This doesn't show much promise for the accomplishing of dreams, but I've been depressed. I think I've been depressed in general for a long time, and I just have bouts of "good days" that make me forget about the lurking issues that have not gone away. The thing is...they don't go away. You have to deal with them, and they just pile up, one upon another until there's this scary issue-demon that makes you want to hide in bed all day.
I wasn't in bed ALL day, just most of it. I did manage to take a shower, do the dishes, take out the garbage, go to the library and fill out an application at UVA (not at all in that order.)
The UVA application was a pain in the ass, really because they have one application packet that you complete to get considered for any and all jobs, then you have to sift through the pages of job descriptions and write which ones you want. Reading the criteria for these things bored me to tears. I wish our society hasn't become this...whatever it is....some strange semblence of real life. Millions of people playing with papers all day, dealing in pseudo-realities. I read a book recently, and unfortunately at the present I forget the author _Woman on the Edge of Time_ it's a good book, I didn't like how it ended, but I loved the future society it envisioned, where humans have returned to a more self-sustaining, responsible way of life. Where people live, and create, and thrive, instead of dissolving into the overwhelming sea of Apathy.

LEAP!!

Into the cauldron of inspiration......

Wahoo is an herb...also known as burning bush, indian arrow wood, and spindle tree. It's magical properties are for hex-breaking, courage, and prosperity.

Whatever it takes is what I must do to achieve my dreams. This blog is my cyber-wahoo. I wave it to ward off the apathy and depression and will write faithfully to keep my goals in site and remind me why I wake up in the morning.

I welcome any and all who would like to share this journey with me, because inspiration in one sparks inspiration in others, and if we keep it going maybe this world will be a better place.

Happy Wahooing!


WAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!