It was the strangest relationship I've ever experienced. In some ways, the best; in some ways...less than that.
I suppose the depth of the strange is revealed in the aftermath.
Never have I felt such a compatibility with someone, in so many (not all!) ways, and yet...
when it ended, he was perfectly fine never seeing me again.
I don't understand this, and it hurts my heart so. I love him, having loved him, in a true, real way. And so, I miss him because there was something there I never found with another. But he has moved on.
Saturday, June 06, 2015
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Tears that tear down the walls.
Nowadays, social media is peppered with catchy-phrased posts that manipulate us into wanting to click and read, watch, comment, etc. I roll my eyes at the pre-fab wording formulas designed to push our buttons or pluck our heart strings. All in an effort to get us to "click". Yet all the while my gut is turning at the baseness of it all, I am still a victim to those ploys. Unfortunately it is so prevalent that I've formed a habitual "automatic reject" habit to any post that seems the least bit intriguing. My initial response has been programed to distrust, doubt, ignore. I don't even consider clicking on something until second, or even third glance.
Because of this I often find myself somewhat interested in a post, but taking a significant amount of time (like 120 whole seconds) debating whether the living time I hand over to the almighty "click" will be worth it. Will this post really increase the good in my life, or will it (like countless others) just fade into the lost time collection of meaningless, gratifying-for-only-a-miniscule-instant moments, or even worse but just as fleeting and forgettable ungratifying moments?
When I do finally decide to click on a say, a video like this one I watched the other day, I often find myself in tears at the end. The first 25 seconds of this particular video I was still rolling my eyes and regretting my choice, but then I was sucked in. When it ended, and I sat there in tears feeling soft and mushy inside something occurred to me.
In Karla McLaren's book, The Language of Emotions, she explains that sadness' purpose it to help us let go. Since reading her book and feeling very strongly about the Truth in it, I have been trying to apply her knowledge and ask myself the questions every time an emotion arises. The questions for sadness are: What must be released? and What must be rejuvenated?
So I sat there, crying, feeling warm and mushy, and wondering...what must be let go? Why do videos like this touch me so deeply and make me cry? Where is all this powerful emotion stored in my normal everyday life? And here's where it occurred to me - what I need to let go of...is the WALLS; and what needs to be rejuvenated is my faith in the goodness and strength of myself and humanity.
There is so much bad thrown at us all the time. We wake up and immediately are bombarded, from our own self doubts and the arguments or stress at home, to driving, to work, to facebook and the news. Our psyches are building walls every waking moment in the ancient, primal fight-or-flight response that has kept our species alive through the millennia. Only, it's starting to backfire.
This is a time when connection is becoming more difficult. Social media allows superficial connection, but the real, raw, powerful and life-changing vulnerability connections are being lost behind all of our walls. I know I can truly only speak for myself, but I would dare say I am not alone in being drawn to those posts that will make me cry. Show me some love, show me some connection, show me some vulnerability! For I am desperate. I want to see the raw, real, heart-open bravery of a human in all their glory. I think also that I am not alone in feeling some ironic sense of relief when I cry at the end of a video that touches me. Those tears are a signal that I need to let go of the walls, I need to restore my faith. Because it's not that my inner strength and sense of compassion is lacking, it's just that they have been attacked and ignored too often and too deeply, and as I realize now --- way. too. freaking. long.
Of course we shouldn't trust everyone and always, but oh what a wonderful, energizing relief it would be to trust myself so deeply that I wouldn't feel need such thick, hard walls throughout all of my moments. This is my new goal. Tear down the walls, tears, tear down the walls.
Read on Steemit.com
Because of this I often find myself somewhat interested in a post, but taking a significant amount of time (like 120 whole seconds) debating whether the living time I hand over to the almighty "click" will be worth it. Will this post really increase the good in my life, or will it (like countless others) just fade into the lost time collection of meaningless, gratifying-for-only-a-miniscule-instant moments, or even worse but just as fleeting and forgettable ungratifying moments?
When I do finally decide to click on a say, a video like this one I watched the other day, I often find myself in tears at the end. The first 25 seconds of this particular video I was still rolling my eyes and regretting my choice, but then I was sucked in. When it ended, and I sat there in tears feeling soft and mushy inside something occurred to me.
In Karla McLaren's book, The Language of Emotions, she explains that sadness' purpose it to help us let go. Since reading her book and feeling very strongly about the Truth in it, I have been trying to apply her knowledge and ask myself the questions every time an emotion arises. The questions for sadness are: What must be released? and What must be rejuvenated?
So I sat there, crying, feeling warm and mushy, and wondering...what must be let go? Why do videos like this touch me so deeply and make me cry? Where is all this powerful emotion stored in my normal everyday life? And here's where it occurred to me - what I need to let go of...is the WALLS; and what needs to be rejuvenated is my faith in the goodness and strength of myself and humanity.
There is so much bad thrown at us all the time. We wake up and immediately are bombarded, from our own self doubts and the arguments or stress at home, to driving, to work, to facebook and the news. Our psyches are building walls every waking moment in the ancient, primal fight-or-flight response that has kept our species alive through the millennia. Only, it's starting to backfire.
This is a time when connection is becoming more difficult. Social media allows superficial connection, but the real, raw, powerful and life-changing vulnerability connections are being lost behind all of our walls. I know I can truly only speak for myself, but I would dare say I am not alone in being drawn to those posts that will make me cry. Show me some love, show me some connection, show me some vulnerability! For I am desperate. I want to see the raw, real, heart-open bravery of a human in all their glory. I think also that I am not alone in feeling some ironic sense of relief when I cry at the end of a video that touches me. Those tears are a signal that I need to let go of the walls, I need to restore my faith. Because it's not that my inner strength and sense of compassion is lacking, it's just that they have been attacked and ignored too often and too deeply, and as I realize now --- way. too. freaking. long.
Of course we shouldn't trust everyone and always, but oh what a wonderful, energizing relief it would be to trust myself so deeply that I wouldn't feel need such thick, hard walls throughout all of my moments. This is my new goal. Tear down the walls, tears, tear down the walls.
Read on Steemit.com
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Woodpecker
There's a whole lot of people accomplishing a whole lot of good lately. I want to join them, I want to make a difference, do something good and right, and increase the light in the world...but I don't know how. I realize since my last blogpost my life has spun off the rails. It was a cascading avalanche of a year and a few months, and I'm here now, wondering if I should bother to pick up any of the pieces.
A Cherokee Dream Healer once told a story that I was lucky enough to be present to listen to. I don't remember it well enough, but I remember its essence, I believe. He spoke of a man chasing something his entire life. It was always just out of reach. He went here and there, and spent days and years, *almost* catching and defeating this creature. At the very end, defeated, he turned around and realized, the thing he sought was himself. I feel like that now.
If you've ever played with magnets and tried to press two same-poled ends together, you know the feeling I feel. It's like the very thing I am doing to try and reach a goal, is the very thing that is keeping that goal out of reach. But how to stop, how to see, how to turn around? I don't know.
A Cherokee Dream Healer once told a story that I was lucky enough to be present to listen to. I don't remember it well enough, but I remember its essence, I believe. He spoke of a man chasing something his entire life. It was always just out of reach. He went here and there, and spent days and years, *almost* catching and defeating this creature. At the very end, defeated, he turned around and realized, the thing he sought was himself. I feel like that now.
If you've ever played with magnets and tried to press two same-poled ends together, you know the feeling I feel. It's like the very thing I am doing to try and reach a goal, is the very thing that is keeping that goal out of reach. But how to stop, how to see, how to turn around? I don't know.
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