Embrace the Chaos

I realized something the other day....

Embracing the Chaos is the same as facing your fears. The trick is to be stronger than the Chaos. It is eternal, it is inevitable, but if we are stronger, than we will not fear it, and so, will be able to embrace it when we must.

I’m angry at the wine for spilling on the kitchen counter. It is Syrah wine, the american version of an Austrailian Grape. I am not the american version of anything…I am not from Australia, nor am I a grape. So what right would I have to be angry at the wine for spilling? Perhaps I am fermented, or maybe it’s just jealousy, because instead of fermenting, I’ve just gone bad. “Off” as they say in the irish accents on that beautiful island. The wine spilled and it was supposed to calm my nerves, not fuel the fire already smoldering because of that boy. He did not return my call, and it’s the uncertainty of it all because I can’t even be sure he got the message. What right do I have to be angry at him? What right does the uncertainty have to anger me so?
"Don’t piss me off!" I shout at the wine, and the dog, my computer, the phone. Don’t piss me off, as if the object of our anger is every truly the thing responsible. My wine looks up at me, through the green spiral rimmed glass and says….simply, "don’t get angry….it’s not my fault, it’s yours…what right do you have to be angry at all?" And in response, I kiss my wine, and drink in it’s bittersweetness, dry humor and all. I love my wine, I love the boy, I love the dog, and it is myself that I am angry at, all of these times.

...

To truly start over, you have to be willing to let go of the past.

To me, that means admitting failure. Admitting I failed at so many things, everything, really, that I wanted to do with my life. But I have realized that until I admit that failure, I will continue to be a failure. I have had countless false starts, time and again, and for whatever reason, so many excuses, I never stuck with these ventures, not enough to make a difference. And so now I am overwhelmed on a daily basis by all of the loose ends, flailing in my face, reminding me of my broken promises to myself.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To admit that I'm not as good as I thought I was. Not as strong, not as creative, not as determined, not as passionate.

But when I get through this, when I go through every last scrap of failed ambition and broken dreams and burn them all, then I can truly be free.

Free to start over, and this time, achieve my dreams.

stupidity

There are moments in my life when I just stop thinking. These are dangerous moments when I inevitably do something stupid. Usally it's not a very big deal, just something to laugh about, like putting milk in the cupboard or something like that. But sometimes it's a bigger deal involving emotions and other people, and that's when it becomes a problem.

Why do I stop thinking sometimes? Usually I think too much, and that's not healthy either. And I thought there was something to "don't think, just do" and seizing the day and all that, living in the moment. There are times when that's okay, I've had good results sometimes from living in the moment. But those times there were no doubts, no underlying awareness that my actions would lead to regret. The other times there were, but for some reason I just didn't care, or didn't want to care, didn't want to listen to the voice of reason.

Maybe it's just who I am.

Or maybe I think these things shouldn't be a big deal and so I act in spite of the chaos it will cause.

chasing demons

I think I have a pattern of chaotic behavior. I seem to seek out new and exciting things in an effort to make my life interesting because I don't have faith in my own ability to accomplish anything and become an interesting person.

As long as there is something new in my life I can pretend that my life is interesting, pretend that I'm busy, pretend that I'm doing something productive.

My demons are slippery little suckers.

A list of the current Joy's in my life

Cappuccino
Live Irish Music
Purring kitty in my lap
The moon

Circles

Over and over and over and over my life plays out a story. The story ends with my heart breaking. Do I do it to myself? Am I supposed to learn something from all this? Or am I just meant to be alone. An old friend once said to me, "maybe you're just destined for greatness." The irony of that sentiment made me laugh, made me remember it all this time and makes me wonder if it may be true. Maybe there IS no one in this wide wide world who I could be with, happily, for the rest of my life. Maybe the only way I will ever become anything is to accept that and stop falling in love.