Journey

There is another great website I'd like to share a post from today: Brave Girls Club

She hits it right on the head, and I am grateful for that.

In my own life right now, I am still dealing with boy stuff.  My ex and I have been trying to work out a friendship and it boggles my mind how two people so drawn together 3 months ago can be so completely opposite now.  It's like magnets that have flipped their polarity.  Everything he or I do or say backfires.  I believe we both want to be friends, I believe we both truly care for each other.  But in trying to get to a place where we are comfortable with that and each other and honoring our selves in the process, we can't seem to strike a deal. 

So he's off playing with his kids and enjoying his day, and I'm here suffering because he won't talk to me or see me.  And I'm trying to sit with my heart and love myself.  I am telling myself that just because I don't matter to him does not mean that I do not matter.  But when we do talk he insists that he does care, and that I do matter to him, yet his actions say otherwise.

Why do I need to fix this? What is it I'm trying to prove?  And to whom?   I hate unsettled business. That's part of it.  I want a clear cut answer and I want to know where I stand.    And I don't want to lose a person who I felt such a connection with.  Because it's a rare thing for me to feel that, especially with a guy.  But I have to wonder if we stay good friends, won't I just keep falling back into love with him?  That won't be healthy. 

I don't know how to honor myself in this moment.  I do not know what is for my highest good.  I keep thinking, if he would just do this, or if he would just do that.  That seems wrong.  He is not me.  Why should his actions have any impact on ME?   Because I thought he loved me, and I'm afraid I was wrong.  Because if I was wrong it means I played the fool again, and I misjudged, and I lose faith in my heart. 
...
But who says the heart leads us only to happy fluffy places?  My heart said, "yes, do this" my heart said, "yes, go this way, follow this path, love this person."  And I did.  But quietly along the way, my heart also whispered, "this is not a good idea, this will not work out, this will lead to a hard, painful place."  But it was where I needed to go, to grow.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  Your heart can lead your soul to growing, but it can't make it see.  Here and now it is EGO that sustains the suffering.  Wanting to hold on to what has run its course.  Wanting to change a person's behavior to fit my needs when that person's journey is veering off from mine. Wanting another to do what I need to believe that they love me so that I can look to that to validate my worth.  But I have learned that that is not the way. 

Gosh.  I really do believe, I truly have to let it go.  But I don't know how.  I never let things go.  Not completely.  I always hold on to the love, hold on to something.  To quote Ingrid Michaelson, "the only way to really know, is to really let it go."  In her song,  Maybe she says this.  This song has the hope in it, that what she lets go will return.  That's always there to hold on to, if nothing else.  But to let go of that.....so scary.  But powerful, I think.  I'm unsure of it, I am scared, but I'm going to try this because I'm trusting my heart and my soul.  We shall see.

Stood Up

Seems it is very hard *not* to doubt my self-worth when people totally disregard me.  I thought I had a date tonight....boy texted me Thurs night that he'd get in touch midday today.  Midday came and went, and with it the rainy dreary day it was.  The weather turned bright and sunny, so I was really looking forward to a night out....but then no word.  I, not wanting to be pushy, waited.   And waited....oh yeah...and then I waited.   Always waiting....why is that?  Then it got to the point where I either had to get ready and leave, or not go.  So I thought I better ask him what's up.  Trouble was I was scared.  Sat with my self and my thoughts and my emotions and went right back to all those times as a child....waiting for my mom....who never showed.  I was afraid to call because I didn't want the rejection.  If I didn't call I could still cling on to that teeny bit of hope.  But I would also be subjecting myself to the whims of this other person.  So I texted...."are we still going tonight?"  
...
...
*crickets*

Apparently not.  And it's not like it's a huge deal.  It's not like I was so emotionally vested in this guy or anything...it's just the point.  The ever-recurring cycle that happens in my life.  I thought maybe I was figuring out a way to break out of it....but I guess not.  How can I help from asking myself, "what am I doing wrong?"  Or worse, "what's wrong with me?"   Bleah.  I don't think there's anything wrong with me, and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong....but WTF IS THE PROBLEM THEN?!?!!??!    Sigh.  I keep trying to make sense of it.  I forget....life doesn't make sense.   But don't worry, life never fails to remind me.  It's okay.  The problem is that I had lots of productive things I could have done today.  Gardens need weeding, kitchen needs cleaning, things need sorting, laundry needs folding....but I was in play mode.  And now I'm clean and shiny and not-quite-dressed-yet....but no where to go.  If town wasn't so far away, I'd go in anyway, but at this point I'm really not feeling the hour and a quarter drive.

And I had coworkers who swore he was a nice guy.   'Tis what 'tis.....whatever that is.  ::wrinkle nose::  I'm not a fan.  But I suppose there is a lesson in this....guess I'll go try to find it.

My friend just told me, "Better now than later."   And I said, "Yup.  That's how I roll 'em."

Loneliness, definition: Potential for Love

When the movie Avatar came out I went to see it with my roommate and her boyfriend.  Afterwards, as we were excitedly recalling the cool parts of the film, my friend asked me, "So which would you choose, Pandora or the Shire?"  My answer was most definitely, Pandora.  Hers was the Shire.  She responded, "I figured you'd choose Pandora, I knew you'd want to fly on dragons."  I laughed.  It's true, I would love to be able to fly on dragons, but that's not why I chose the way I did.  The key element of life in an Avatar world that swings the scales for me is connection.  If everything else in the movie was the same, but their amazing ability to commune with each other and the world around them were missing, I'd choose the Shire.

Connection.  It's a pretty basic desire of, I dare say, all humanity.  It's what we look for when we meet new people, it's why we root for sports teams, date, meditate, go to church, go to bars, and read blogs.  We want to connect. We need it.  It's what we're made for.

I've been dealing with loneliness lately.  For me, I believe, it's the most uncomfortable emotion.  Almost all other emotions I can get comfortable with.  I can accept my fear, my anger, my confusion, my doubt... I can sit with all of these and offer compassion and acceptance to them and get through them.  The most common strong emotions, fear and anger, bring a powerful energy with them, so in many ways they are life-affirming.  I'm okay with that. But loneliness???  Oh goodness, no.

In my characterization of emotions I've drawn "loneliness" as a waifish  young girl, dressed in rags with disturbingly dark and sunken eyes that make you think of death.  Not really a lass you'd jump at the chance to have tea with...  But in my efforts to reaffirm my self-worth, using many techniques from Radical Acceptance and talking with my therapist, I am pointed back to this emotion.  What is it that makes me dread loneliness so much?  I've tried for a couple of weeks now, to sit with it, accept it, feel it, and understand it.  I haven't had much progress until today...

Meditating today on this horrid feeling I realized some of the associations I have with it.  My fear, with loneliness, is that my heart will be so starved for love, so long without what it needs for survival that it, like a plant without water, will shrivel up and die forever. Ugh.  THAT doesn't sound like fun.  I sat with that for a while and let it sink in.  Thoughts swirled around and images, ideas...   The idea of my soul needing love in dry soil, so it sends its roots down deeper.  The idea that our energy cannot be destroyed, our souls are eternal.  The idea that we are all connected so how can I ever truly be without love....so maybe it's just a self-imposed wall....

I tried to imagine being the only thing to exist in infinity.  To take my fear to the extreme and imagine what if I was truly, unequivocally, undeniably ALONE.    And yeah, it would totally suck for a long long time, but I think, like everything, you'd get used to it.  :)  And if I floated in that empty void for eons, what would happen if the solitude ended?   If something (not even a someone) just appeared to share the space with me....I imagined that first there would be intense curiosity....possibly fear, but I thought after so long alone and with only myself, anything new brought into the world...I would love.    Something new, something to share with...I would love it.  (Now my logical brain has to argue that if it was something that caused pain I would probably not love it, but bear with me...)  And then from that I've taken that loneliness is like a potential.  Like the potential energy version of the kinetic energy of loving.  Or maybe an action potential for love....

I'm not sure which scientific analogy fits best, but the point is that perhaps loneliness just carves out more space in our hearts for love.  Maybe through loneliness we are forced to grow more roots, reach deeper to find those connections, and that will open up whole new realms and pools of love that we never before would have been able to reach.  Maybe our hearts can never be destroyed as long as we are willing to reach through the pain to the love that lies beyond.   We shall see....

Happy Ireland Day!!!

I remember a specific day in college.  It was the weekend of our annual carnival on campus.  I had tons of homework to do.  I was talking to a friend and explaining that I needed to go out and play first because I was all excited and knew that once I had my fun I'd be able to come home and focus on getting my work done.  And it was true. When I really allowed myself to totally have fun, I'd be completely okay with going home to get work done.  My friend was surprised by this because for him, and I think for a lot of people, they use play as a reward...like...if I do my work, then I can go out and play.  This sometimes works...but I'm beginning to think that maybe this is the wrong approach for me.

I love all things Irish and St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite.  Ideally, I'd like to be in Ireland, or at least here, surrounded by Irish music and people dancing jigs and generally having a good time.  But all morning I've been trying to motivate to do my chores.  I've also been dealing with some emotional stuff, but I think that's taken care of for the moment.  As I am beginning to hear from others out and having fun, I remembered that day back in college and I wonder if perhaps I've been too long putting work before play and maybe that's the problem.  Maybe my soul is just plain tired of working all the time.  Maybe I just need to be a hedonist for a bit....hmmmm....off to get my jig on.  ;)

Special permissions

I've been dealing with an ear infection...well, two in fact. And actually it's more allergy related, I believe, than"sick" related...but I digress.  I'm always curious about the theories of an illness' emotional connection, and when I researched "ear infections" I found an interesting article that said if it was the left ear it's a sign that you're not listening to your inner voice.  The right ear means not wanting to hear what's going on around you.  So I've got both, but definitely way worse on the left side.  Just more confirmation for me that I need to really get in touch with my thoughts, creativity, opening up that 5th chakra.

This has been persisting for about 3 weeks now.  Several times I thought it was getting better and put off going to the doctor, only to have it get worse again.  Going to the doc this friday...hopefully it will help.  It's been a strange existence these few weeks though, almost like I'm constantly in a dream.  I can barely hear, and it feels like I'm in a tunnel.  My sense of space is all confused too...balance...all of it.  I'm sure it's entertaining to those around me, but for me it's a little disconcerting.   But honestly, by now, I'm starting to just go with it!

I'm almost done with my first reading of of Radical Acceptance.  I know for sure I will need to read it again.  There's so much in that book!  Last night I was reading a bit where it talked about meditating and getting to that point where you...well...where "you" dissolves.  To that point where there is only awareness.  She refers to asking the question "who is feeling this" or something to that effect to get closer to that dissolution-of-self point.  Reading about this, I thought I remembered a handful of times where I approached this understanding.  I thought about it last night, as I was tired, not able to hear, about to go to sleep...and for a brief moment I let myself consider this state of being.  And then a shot of terror went through me. 

We are so attached to our identities that the idea of just letting that go seems so wrong.  Like death.  But apparently, it is through practicing this state of awareness that we come to a greater feeling of connectedness with all things, which is what we long for in our deepest depths. 

Many things she talks about in this book I feel like I've already done.  It's funny because as far back as I can remember I've always been super compassionate.  Maybe it's just how I was raised.  I'm not sure, but it occurred to me that I feel like I am pretty "skilled" (for lack of a better term) at this lovingkindess stuff, but when it comes to issues and emotions within myself I'm pretty lacking in skill.  I read Terri's blog and am awed by her ability to dive down into her depths and come up with these amazing realizations, day after day, and then apply them to her life and grow from it.  I think I do that, but in teeny tiny little bits.  Anyhow, I was wondering if it was possible to just skip all that inner work and just get to the at peace with the world stuff, since that seems to be my affinity.  Then I read Rob Brezny's horoscope for me this week:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hanadi Zakaria al-Hindi is the first Saudi Arabian
woman to be licensed to fly a plane. But there's an absurd law in her
country that prohibits women from driving cars, so she needs a man to
give her a lift to the airport. Is there any situation in your own life that
resembles hers, Leo? Like maybe you've advanced to a higher level
without getting certified on a lower level? Or maybe you've got
permission and power to operate in a sphere that's meaningful to you
even though you skipped a step along the way? Now would be a good
time to think about whether you should do anything about the
discrepancy, and if so, how to do it.

Seems to me that if I can fly a plane, I'll take it!  But being able to drive around would be pretty cool too.  So maybe I don't have to go in order, but I probably should still try to learn all the skills.  It's like in college, where you don't have to take all your easy distribution req's in Freshman year, but you do need them to graduate.  So even if I've received special permissions to skip some pre-req's for now...it's probably only a matter of time before I have to actually face those...basic..messier..lessons to be learned. 

The Balance of Forgiveness

People are always talking about how important it is to forgive.  The ability to let go of past wrongs and to offer forgiveness to those that have hurt us, even if they've never aplogized to us, is considered a noble trait.  It is often suggested that forgiving is a way of healing ourselves because holding on to an old anger or grudge is only harming ourselves.  I agree with all of these things.  I am a very forgiving person. 

However....I have recently realized there is a danger in forgiving too easily.  Part of my pattern with unhealthy relationships, probably the most unhealthy part of the whole thing always happens at the end.  When a relationship ends, even if I am the one being hurt, dumped, lied to, whatever...I always immediately start trying to forgive the person.  I try to release my anger and remember my love for the person, I pray for their happiness and that they find love.  I do everything in my power to wish the best for them, and harbor no resentment towards them.  I look at the whole thing as a learning process in life and try to take away only the best of it.  Seems great, right?  When you type it out on paper, looks wonderful.  But let me give an analogy to illustrate the problem:

You have a child.  You walk into a playground and see an adult beating your child.  You, of course, run in and protect your child.  Whether it be by fighting the person directly or drawing your child away to comfort them, you end this abuse to your child.  And when the immediate danger is past you turn to the abuser and say, "it's okay, I'm sure you're a good person, I forgive you."              Uh...no...not so much. 

See, I've realized that by always forgiving too quickly those that have hurt me, I've devalued my Self.  By forgiving my mother for all the hurt she caused me, by forgiving the boys that lied to me and left me, all too soon, I was subconsciously telling myself that I was not important enough to be angry over.  That my feelings did not matter, that I was not as worthy of respect as they were.  All the while, thinking I was doing the right thing because I was trying to be a loving compassionate soul.   I'm not suggesting that we hold on to anger forever, or even for a very long time.  But I think it is *very* important to make sure we are not forgiving a person until WE ARE READY. 

I ended up having a conversation with my ex.  It was a lot of me expressing a lot of anger.  Anger bubbled up and overflowed and I was surprised at how strong it seemed.  He was apologetic, and for the most part, understanding.  I appreciated this.  I'm sure there's a lot more we could talk about, and maybe that will in time, but I feel like I was able to express the key important things that were really bothering me, and I feel much better for it.  The most important thing I did though, was actually *not* doing something.  He asked if I would forgive him, he said he was sorry.  I told him that I truly appreciated his sentiments, but that for the time being, I could not.  I would forgive him in time, because I AM a loving, compassionate soul.  But I must respect myself now, and honor my own hurts and anger. 

I suppose by not forgiving him I am forgiving a deeper part of myself.   Forgiving myself for mistakes, misjudgments, fears, doubts, failures....and I am accepting myself for all of me, ugly emotions and imperfections included.  I think I've found the balance of forgiveness...and that is so very healing.

I know why the little pigs don't fly

Yesterday, even after I wrote the last blog entry, and after I was feeling better for a moment, I returned to my state of despair.  I was trying to just allow myself the sorrow and pain, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere, it just seemed to sit there and make me miserable.   I grabbed the Radical Acceptance book and read a little more in it, hoping to find something that would click with me at the moment.  And I did.  She talked about a particularly hard breakup she went through and how, in her suffering, she turned to the idea of Kwan Yin, the Boddhisattva of Compassion.  Something in the way she worded the story made me realize 2 things.

 First, the problem I was having was not in dealing with the emotion.  I realized I was fighting the truth.  The truth being that my guy...well...just isn't.  He's not "mine" in any sense of the word, but particularly, not mine in heart.  I *want* him to feel for me like I do for him.  I *want* him to be missing me and hurting for not hearing from me.  I *want* him to want to talk to me and spend time with me and I *want* all of those things he said, making me think he really cared, to be proven true by his actions as well.   But I could want for pigs to fly, all day 'til the cows come home, but that's not going to make them sprout wings.  All it's going to do is make me sad.  "Why oh why won't those little pigs fly?????"  Doesn't really matter why... they won't.  End of story, move on.  Sigh.
   Move on to what?  To this:  Realization number 2. Our experiences are here to teach us.  I tend to think I have a role here on this earth as a healer of sorts, and for that I need compassion.  I think I am a pretty compassionate soul, more compassionate than your average bear...but what's one of the most common heartaches people suffer??   Unrequited love.  Bingo.  Ahhh...  I mean, it's not like this is something I've never experienced before, obviously...but not recently, and maybe I need to experience it again with a new level of understanding.  The point is when this finally clicked into place I felt a big relief from the pain.  I'm loving someone who doesn't love me......just like thousands and millions of people all over the world, from rich to poor, old to young, in the most desolate uneducated places to the busiest oversophisticated citites.  We *all* go through this.  And we all think it sucks.  But there it is, argueably perhaps the single most unifying experience in all of humanity, spanning all gaps, even time.     And there it is...OH the irony.   What bonds us all together more than anything?  Our lack of bonding with the ones we love.   Ha ha ha ha....and that's why my first blog was entitled "Life is a big cosmic joke!!!"