Yesterday, even after I wrote the last blog entry, and after I was feeling better for a moment, I returned to my state of despair. I was trying to just allow myself the sorrow and pain, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere, it just seemed to sit there and make me miserable. I grabbed the Radical Acceptance book and read a little more in it, hoping to find something that would click with me at the moment. And I did. She talked about a particularly hard breakup she went through and how, in her suffering, she turned to the idea of Kwan Yin, the Boddhisattva of Compassion. Something in the way she worded the story made me realize 2 things.
First, the problem I was having was not in dealing with the emotion. I realized I was fighting the truth. The truth being that my guy...well...just isn't. He's not "mine" in any sense of the word, but particularly, not mine in heart. I *want* him to feel for me like I do for him. I *want* him to be missing me and hurting for not hearing from me. I *want* him to want to talk to me and spend time with me and I *want* all of those things he said, making me think he really cared, to be proven true by his actions as well. But I could want for pigs to fly, all day 'til the cows come home, but that's not going to make them sprout wings. All it's going to do is make me sad. "Why oh why won't those little pigs fly?????" Doesn't really matter why... they won't. End of story, move on. Sigh.
Move on to what? To this: Realization number 2. Our experiences are here to teach us. I tend to think I have a role here on this earth as a healer of sorts, and for that I need compassion. I think I am a pretty compassionate soul, more compassionate than your average bear...but what's one of the most common heartaches people suffer?? Unrequited love. Bingo. Ahhh... I mean, it's not like this is something I've never experienced before, obviously...but not recently, and maybe I need to experience it again with a new level of understanding. The point is when this finally clicked into place I felt a big relief from the pain. I'm loving someone who doesn't love me......just like thousands and millions of people all over the world, from rich to poor, old to young, in the most desolate uneducated places to the busiest oversophisticated citites. We *all* go through this. And we all think it sucks. But there it is, argueably perhaps the single most unifying experience in all of humanity, spanning all gaps, even time. And there it is...OH the irony. What bonds us all together more than anything? Our lack of bonding with the ones we love. Ha ha ha ha....and that's why my first blog was entitled "Life is a big cosmic joke!!!"
No comments:
Post a Comment