Journey

There is another great website I'd like to share a post from today: Brave Girls Club

She hits it right on the head, and I am grateful for that.

In my own life right now, I am still dealing with boy stuff.  My ex and I have been trying to work out a friendship and it boggles my mind how two people so drawn together 3 months ago can be so completely opposite now.  It's like magnets that have flipped their polarity.  Everything he or I do or say backfires.  I believe we both want to be friends, I believe we both truly care for each other.  But in trying to get to a place where we are comfortable with that and each other and honoring our selves in the process, we can't seem to strike a deal. 

So he's off playing with his kids and enjoying his day, and I'm here suffering because he won't talk to me or see me.  And I'm trying to sit with my heart and love myself.  I am telling myself that just because I don't matter to him does not mean that I do not matter.  But when we do talk he insists that he does care, and that I do matter to him, yet his actions say otherwise.

Why do I need to fix this? What is it I'm trying to prove?  And to whom?   I hate unsettled business. That's part of it.  I want a clear cut answer and I want to know where I stand.    And I don't want to lose a person who I felt such a connection with.  Because it's a rare thing for me to feel that, especially with a guy.  But I have to wonder if we stay good friends, won't I just keep falling back into love with him?  That won't be healthy. 

I don't know how to honor myself in this moment.  I do not know what is for my highest good.  I keep thinking, if he would just do this, or if he would just do that.  That seems wrong.  He is not me.  Why should his actions have any impact on ME?   Because I thought he loved me, and I'm afraid I was wrong.  Because if I was wrong it means I played the fool again, and I misjudged, and I lose faith in my heart. 
...
But who says the heart leads us only to happy fluffy places?  My heart said, "yes, do this" my heart said, "yes, go this way, follow this path, love this person."  And I did.  But quietly along the way, my heart also whispered, "this is not a good idea, this will not work out, this will lead to a hard, painful place."  But it was where I needed to go, to grow.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  Your heart can lead your soul to growing, but it can't make it see.  Here and now it is EGO that sustains the suffering.  Wanting to hold on to what has run its course.  Wanting to change a person's behavior to fit my needs when that person's journey is veering off from mine. Wanting another to do what I need to believe that they love me so that I can look to that to validate my worth.  But I have learned that that is not the way. 

Gosh.  I really do believe, I truly have to let it go.  But I don't know how.  I never let things go.  Not completely.  I always hold on to the love, hold on to something.  To quote Ingrid Michaelson, "the only way to really know, is to really let it go."  In her song,  Maybe she says this.  This song has the hope in it, that what she lets go will return.  That's always there to hold on to, if nothing else.  But to let go of that.....so scary.  But powerful, I think.  I'm unsure of it, I am scared, but I'm going to try this because I'm trusting my heart and my soul.  We shall see.