People are always talking about how important it is to forgive. The ability to let go of past wrongs and to offer forgiveness to those that have hurt us, even if they've never aplogized to us, is considered a noble trait. It is often suggested that forgiving is a way of healing ourselves because holding on to an old anger or grudge is only harming ourselves. I agree with all of these things. I am a very forgiving person.
However....I have recently realized there is a danger in forgiving too easily. Part of my pattern with unhealthy relationships, probably the most unhealthy part of the whole thing always happens at the end. When a relationship ends, even if I am the one being hurt, dumped, lied to, whatever...I always immediately start trying to forgive the person. I try to release my anger and remember my love for the person, I pray for their happiness and that they find love. I do everything in my power to wish the best for them, and harbor no resentment towards them. I look at the whole thing as a learning process in life and try to take away only the best of it. Seems great, right? When you type it out on paper, looks wonderful. But let me give an analogy to illustrate the problem:
You have a child. You walk into a playground and see an adult beating your child. You, of course, run in and protect your child. Whether it be by fighting the person directly or drawing your child away to comfort them, you end this abuse to your child. And when the immediate danger is past you turn to the abuser and say, "it's okay, I'm sure you're a good person, I forgive you." Uh...no...not so much.
See, I've realized that by always forgiving too quickly those that have hurt me, I've devalued my Self. By forgiving my mother for all the hurt she caused me, by forgiving the boys that lied to me and left me, all too soon, I was subconsciously telling myself that I was not important enough to be angry over. That my feelings did not matter, that I was not as worthy of respect as they were. All the while, thinking I was doing the right thing because I was trying to be a loving compassionate soul. I'm not suggesting that we hold on to anger forever, or even for a very long time. But I think it is *very* important to make sure we are not forgiving a person until WE ARE READY.
I ended up having a conversation with my ex. It was a lot of me expressing a lot of anger. Anger bubbled up and overflowed and I was surprised at how strong it seemed. He was apologetic, and for the most part, understanding. I appreciated this. I'm sure there's a lot more we could talk about, and maybe that will in time, but I feel like I was able to express the key important things that were really bothering me, and I feel much better for it. The most important thing I did though, was actually *not* doing something. He asked if I would forgive him, he said he was sorry. I told him that I truly appreciated his sentiments, but that for the time being, I could not. I would forgive him in time, because I AM a loving, compassionate soul. But I must respect myself now, and honor my own hurts and anger.
I suppose by not forgiving him I am forgiving a deeper part of myself. Forgiving myself for mistakes, misjudgments, fears, doubts, failures....and I am accepting myself for all of me, ugly emotions and imperfections included. I think I've found the balance of forgiveness...and that is so very healing.
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