stupidity

There are moments in my life when I just stop thinking. These are dangerous moments when I inevitably do something stupid. Usally it's not a very big deal, just something to laugh about, like putting milk in the cupboard or something like that. But sometimes it's a bigger deal involving emotions and other people, and that's when it becomes a problem.

Why do I stop thinking sometimes? Usually I think too much, and that's not healthy either. And I thought there was something to "don't think, just do" and seizing the day and all that, living in the moment. There are times when that's okay, I've had good results sometimes from living in the moment. But those times there were no doubts, no underlying awareness that my actions would lead to regret. The other times there were, but for some reason I just didn't care, or didn't want to care, didn't want to listen to the voice of reason.

Maybe it's just who I am.

Or maybe I think these things shouldn't be a big deal and so I act in spite of the chaos it will cause.

chasing demons

I think I have a pattern of chaotic behavior. I seem to seek out new and exciting things in an effort to make my life interesting because I don't have faith in my own ability to accomplish anything and become an interesting person.

As long as there is something new in my life I can pretend that my life is interesting, pretend that I'm busy, pretend that I'm doing something productive.

My demons are slippery little suckers.

A list of the current Joy's in my life

Cappuccino
Live Irish Music
Purring kitty in my lap
The moon

Circles

Over and over and over and over my life plays out a story. The story ends with my heart breaking. Do I do it to myself? Am I supposed to learn something from all this? Or am I just meant to be alone. An old friend once said to me, "maybe you're just destined for greatness." The irony of that sentiment made me laugh, made me remember it all this time and makes me wonder if it may be true. Maybe there IS no one in this wide wide world who I could be with, happily, for the rest of my life. Maybe the only way I will ever become anything is to accept that and stop falling in love.