I've been getting a message lately, repeatedly. I try to be open and receptive to the universe's subtle signs and hints, but I can be pretty dense sometimes. I once made a deal with the powers that be...I said if I heard the same song or got the same message 3 times in 2 days, I'd take it as a sign and pay attention. Lately I've been so busy. Busy in thoughts, in actions, in emotions....and add to the mix trying to figure out what time it is in Afghanistan at any given moment, and I'm not really sure where yesterday begins and today ends. But anyway, I have still noticed a definite message.
I know I started hearing it before this, but when I went to see my therapist for the last time a couple of weeks ago, I flat out asked him for any parting words of advice. I wanted a bit of the wisdom he found was important throughout his life, and his answer was "slow down." I acknowledged this and we both laughed. Easier said than done sometimes? From my earlier post, you can imagine this is a hard thing for me. It's not the slowing down I mind, it's the fact that I'm aware my time is limited and there's just so MUCH that I want to do!!! It's like I'm tempted to try and make another deal....Okay, I'll slow down, just promise me I'll have enough time to do the things I want. Ha ha...if only life came with guarantees. :D
So I mentioned something to a coworker regarding possible trips I might be going on with C. His answer? "Take it slow..." he warned me, "and be careful." And scattered about my life these past weeks I know I've been hearing this message here and there. Just now I was flipping through a book that I had lent to someone a while ago and just recently got back. Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. I was flipping through the pages and stumbled upon this:
To listen to the soul is to stop fighting with life - to stop fighting when things fall
apart; when they don't go our way, when we get sick, when we are betrayed
or mistreated or misunderstood. To listen to the soul is to slow down, to feel
deeply, to see ourselves clearly, to surrender to discomfort and uncertainty,
and to wait.
"To listen to the soul is to slow down..." Okay....I get it. As I sit here, knowing I haven't written in too long, again, knowing there's a list pages long of all the things I want to get done this week, feeling sick from allergies and stress and all other manner of nonesense, wanting to do so many things....I hear the universe telling me to slow down. It makes me want to cry, really, because I've been trying to hard to become the person I want to be, to sculpt the life I want to be living, I've always thought if things weren't working, it just means you have to try harder. And for me that has always meant, do more. But maybe the hardest thing for me is to slow down. Maybe that *is* trying harder. I let myself consider the notion for a little while. What if....what if I truly said, okay, let's put all of these goals and deadlines off for say...another year. I do this and a surge of panic rises up in me. Another year?!?!! But that's like...a whole year of my life gone!! A whole year of time wasted when I could have been DOING things!!!
I don't think I'm getting it yet. I mean....I'm getting the message...loud and clear. But I'm not convinced. It's like a math problem, I'll acknowledge that the correct answer is "slowing down." But if I don't understand *why* I'm going to have a hard time applying it. And maybe here is where that sneaky little think, Trust, comes in. Faith, patience...blah blah blah all that stuff.
I am terribly afraid, that if I let go of my do do do, more, keep going, workin' at the goal attitude, I'll lose it. I'll lose the momentum, I'll lose the motivation, I'll lose the dream. I'm afraid I'll become lazy and none of my dreams will come true. But life is telling me to slow down. I'm so confused, really!! Which life lesson is more important? That hard work and persistence is important, or to slow down?!?! I'm really not getting it, am I?
At this point, I've heard the message, and I'd like to send out a very clear response to life. "Okay, I get it...SLOW DOWN!!! Just please, tell me where the brakes are????" And more importantly...how do I slow down without stopping???
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wasps and bees and stingers, oh my!
So last night I had some strange dreams. There are two parts that I mainly remember:
The first was in a house, completely unlike my current house, but I still lived there with my roommate. I don't remember what happened before, but suddenly the house was invaded by a bunch of wasps, and bees, and all manner of stinging flying insects. My roommate (having remembered that the realtor told us to purchase one of these in case we should ever be invaded by wasps) ran upstairs to get...The Giant Trampoline!!! We then proceeded to use the trampoline as a net of sorts to catch all the wasps. Meanwhile we ran to open the skylight vents to suck them all out. I checked back on the trampoline at one point and somehow, her dog had gotten caught in it and had passed out from bee stings, I assume....We rescued him though, and he revived pretty quickly once all the bees and things had gotten sucked out the vent. Weird.
The other part was somewhere else, I think. I was with some guy...no idea who he was, and I didn't even really like him that much, but I was apparently dating him in the dream. We were walking around our city and noticed all this crazy construction that had happened basically overnight. We went from a quaint city with large tracts of undeveloped land to a freakish looking cross between san francisco painted lady housing and disneyworld on austerity meets Vegas. Everything was large scale and poorly done. We just kept shaking our heads and I was so upset that they would do this. There was also a lot of desert like parts from where they had cleared the land, but hadn't yet built anything. The main take away from this part was my emotion of sheer disappointment and upset. I said, "if we could, this kind of thing would make we just want to leave Earth all together."
It's funny how when you start to write down a dream, you can remember more of it. I just recalled a part where i was working at the massage place and was scheduled to give a friend a massage. I was very distracted the whole day and kept forgetting to do stuff. Then, after his massage, he didn't really seem like it helped him at all, so I felt bad. Weirdness.
Dreams are fun! I've only recently actually started to be able to remember them at all clearly, I'm happy for this.
So breaking out the dream dictionary that I have...it says these couple of interesting things;
"To see a wasp in your dream signifies angry thoughts and feelings....If wasps are building a nest in your dream roof this may indicate difficulties with spiritual progress."
Well...I thought I was doing rather well with my spiritual progress, harumph!
"Bees...can also indicate frantic internal chatter...Being attacked by a swarm of bees suggests that you may be creating a situaton that has become uncontrollable and that you need to find ways of calming your inner chatter."
Hmm...okay, maybe....
"Swarms of insects in dream can depict instinctual urges in life...such as sexual urges...may also be suggesting issues to do with pregnancy. The power of the group can additionally be suggested...might be telling you that you can often only succeed in changing matters by a group effort....might represent being overwhelmed with guilt....If you see a swarm of insects around you, this suggests malicious rumors are being spread about you, but if you manage to...escape, you will find an easy emedy for your problems...If the insects are flying off, this may represent...the end of a particular problem that has been upsetting you."
End of problems is good. :)
"According to Jung, places in dreams...such as cities, towns and villages, refer to how your perceive yourself within the commuity, and how well you are fitting in."
Since the vibe of the city made me want to leave the planet? I'm guessin' I'm not feelin' the at peace with world thing right now!
Hunh....Interesting. :)
The first was in a house, completely unlike my current house, but I still lived there with my roommate. I don't remember what happened before, but suddenly the house was invaded by a bunch of wasps, and bees, and all manner of stinging flying insects. My roommate (having remembered that the realtor told us to purchase one of these in case we should ever be invaded by wasps) ran upstairs to get...The Giant Trampoline!!! We then proceeded to use the trampoline as a net of sorts to catch all the wasps. Meanwhile we ran to open the skylight vents to suck them all out. I checked back on the trampoline at one point and somehow, her dog had gotten caught in it and had passed out from bee stings, I assume....We rescued him though, and he revived pretty quickly once all the bees and things had gotten sucked out the vent. Weird.
The other part was somewhere else, I think. I was with some guy...no idea who he was, and I didn't even really like him that much, but I was apparently dating him in the dream. We were walking around our city and noticed all this crazy construction that had happened basically overnight. We went from a quaint city with large tracts of undeveloped land to a freakish looking cross between san francisco painted lady housing and disneyworld on austerity meets Vegas. Everything was large scale and poorly done. We just kept shaking our heads and I was so upset that they would do this. There was also a lot of desert like parts from where they had cleared the land, but hadn't yet built anything. The main take away from this part was my emotion of sheer disappointment and upset. I said, "if we could, this kind of thing would make we just want to leave Earth all together."
It's funny how when you start to write down a dream, you can remember more of it. I just recalled a part where i was working at the massage place and was scheduled to give a friend a massage. I was very distracted the whole day and kept forgetting to do stuff. Then, after his massage, he didn't really seem like it helped him at all, so I felt bad. Weirdness.
Dreams are fun! I've only recently actually started to be able to remember them at all clearly, I'm happy for this.
So breaking out the dream dictionary that I have...it says these couple of interesting things;
"To see a wasp in your dream signifies angry thoughts and feelings....If wasps are building a nest in your dream roof this may indicate difficulties with spiritual progress."
Well...I thought I was doing rather well with my spiritual progress, harumph!
"Bees...can also indicate frantic internal chatter...Being attacked by a swarm of bees suggests that you may be creating a situaton that has become uncontrollable and that you need to find ways of calming your inner chatter."
Hmm...okay, maybe....
"Swarms of insects in dream can depict instinctual urges in life...such as sexual urges...may also be suggesting issues to do with pregnancy. The power of the group can additionally be suggested...might be telling you that you can often only succeed in changing matters by a group effort....might represent being overwhelmed with guilt....If you see a swarm of insects around you, this suggests malicious rumors are being spread about you, but if you manage to...escape, you will find an easy emedy for your problems...If the insects are flying off, this may represent...the end of a particular problem that has been upsetting you."
End of problems is good. :)
"According to Jung, places in dreams...such as cities, towns and villages, refer to how your perceive yourself within the commuity, and how well you are fitting in."
Since the vibe of the city made me want to leave the planet? I'm guessin' I'm not feelin' the at peace with world thing right now!
Hunh....Interesting. :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Chrysalis
I'm struggling lately. It's odd. Everything's great. Except I'm completely disgruntled. I'm feeling overwhelmed because I want to do *so many things.* And my time is limited. Thomas Jeffeson, I believe, said "the way to do many things is to do one thing at a time." This has always been impossible for me. For some reason I cannot pick one thing. Heck. I can't even pick three and stick to it. I'm like a kid in a candy store with life and all my interests. I keep seeing something and getting distracted and running over to pursue that thing..then something else catches my eye and I run back and forth all day, all year, my entire life.
When I'm asked, I can narrow it down.....sort of. It starts out like this: writing, flute/music, pagan stuff, gardening. And I think that's it..but then I say..oh wait! But I love photography, and scrapbooking, and of COURSE I love to dance!!! And I want a clean house, and I need to eat, and I love cooking, and I want to hang out with friends...and oh right I need money, so I need a job, so I need a car, so I have to do x,y,z...and oh no! It's bedtime, I'm tired. It's times like these when I'm thankful that I don't have children...because really? I would not be able to handle it! And then it's not enough to dabble...I want to be awesome at all of these things. But after 34 years, you'd think I'd get the picture....it can't work like that.
So just now, as I'm washing the dishes through my anxiety, I'm trying to figure out what my problem is. And I thought, "maybe I'm just growing....maybe this is what transformation feels like." That thought made me laugh. Because I picture a butterfly, no, a caterpillar, having created this silken womb for itself to transform into something better. So it's sitting there, stuck in a little ball, in the dark, just waiting to transform. LOL. And it starts happening. Can you imagine what this poor little caterpillar is thinking?!?! Wait...whoa...what's that? Where'd my legs go?, why do my shoulders hurt...ouch! oo..it's getting tight in here...um...hello? are you sure this is happening right? Isn't is all supposed to be beautiful and rainbowy? LOL. Um...how long is this going to take? I'm hungry....
LOL. yeah. It's like that.
When I'm asked, I can narrow it down.....sort of. It starts out like this: writing, flute/music, pagan stuff, gardening. And I think that's it..but then I say..oh wait! But I love photography, and scrapbooking, and of COURSE I love to dance!!! And I want a clean house, and I need to eat, and I love cooking, and I want to hang out with friends...and oh right I need money, so I need a job, so I need a car, so I have to do x,y,z...and oh no! It's bedtime, I'm tired. It's times like these when I'm thankful that I don't have children...because really? I would not be able to handle it! And then it's not enough to dabble...I want to be awesome at all of these things. But after 34 years, you'd think I'd get the picture....it can't work like that.
So just now, as I'm washing the dishes through my anxiety, I'm trying to figure out what my problem is. And I thought, "maybe I'm just growing....maybe this is what transformation feels like." That thought made me laugh. Because I picture a butterfly, no, a caterpillar, having created this silken womb for itself to transform into something better. So it's sitting there, stuck in a little ball, in the dark, just waiting to transform. LOL. And it starts happening. Can you imagine what this poor little caterpillar is thinking?!?! Wait...whoa...what's that? Where'd my legs go?, why do my shoulders hurt...ouch! oo..it's getting tight in here...um...hello? are you sure this is happening right? Isn't is all supposed to be beautiful and rainbowy? LOL. Um...how long is this going to take? I'm hungry....
LOL. yeah. It's like that.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Want is not need, no matter what the heart says.
I am happier believing I have someone who is in love with me. There is a peace in that for me. Is it wrong? To want that....to need that?
Yesterday I had a great evening with friends. Had a couple of drinks, listened to some great music. It was beautiful day. Absolutely gorgeous. Before we went out I stopped to get some things to send C overseas. It was so exciting for me, finding things I thought he'd be happy to get. I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy. Is that wrong? Is that co-dependent?
I've been trying to be present more. To really live my moments so I can burn them into my memory and have them for the whole rest of my life. Part of that, I know, is the active recollection. As I stood at the pit of the pavilion yesterday, dancing with friends, feeling a little buzzed from the beer, I looked around at all the wonderful people. There was a family to our left, all standing, except for the young boy who was breaking it down, dancing his own style with total abandon to the music. I kept watching him and smiling. I thought of myself and my love of playing music, and how I'm the only one in my family that has that. It made me smile deeper. We all have our sparkly bits...the parts that make us different and unique. I pray that each of us learns to follow those parts of ourselves, and protect them.
And I saw the young and old hoola-hoopin' off to the sides, one girl twirlin' a hoop on her ankle up in the air as she laid back in the grass. Amazing. And I turned my head to the right, just in time to see a Dad throw a football across the grass to his son. And I noticed that the myriad of kids seemed to be wearing all the colors of the rainbow, collectively, like a bag of skittles. And then one of my friends danced over and asked me about the boy....I told her where I stood, and then as she whipped out a little cut off bottom of a cup with something in it, seemingly out of thin air, she said..."by the way, do you want a chocolate covered espresso bean?" We laughed at the randomness of it all. Life, perfectly. Fluid perfection. Beauty shining all around. It was a wonderful night.
And the glory continued today, as for the second day in a row the weather was perfect. I sent off the package for C on my way to meet my friends and go to a wine festival. It was another wonderful day of old friends and new, drinking wine and telling stories, laughing about life and love. We saw funny looking chickens and cows and goats and watched the kids ride the sheep. And I saw the families all around and thought how wonderful it would be to come to this next year with C and his kids. I crave that. Is that wrong??
I didn't hear from him at all today, and that bothers me. Is that wrong? I guess the better question is can I grow to where it doesn't bother me? Am I staying small by feeling all these things? Tonight I've been reminding myself, through my inklings to panic, I do not need him. Want is not the same as need, no matter what the heart says. But what if I do need? Is that wrong? Is that small? Does that mean that's where I need to grow? Because the thing is, I know these past 2 days, and the past weeks, months, whatever....when I'm feeling my love for him strongly, and feeling secure in that, I am happier for it. It's like a big vice that normally is clenched tight around my heart, is just opened up. I know I can be happy and enjoy life without him, but to quote Nora Roberts, I want to be "deep down in my gut happy." And I don't know if I've ever felt that without being in love, and having that loved returned.
I don't know if it's wrong or right or completely irrelevant entirely. I feel like I need to really get that lesson though, truly feel that I do not need him. I wonder though, is it possible to reach that happy happy place alone? I don't know. I don't know.
Yesterday I had a great evening with friends. Had a couple of drinks, listened to some great music. It was beautiful day. Absolutely gorgeous. Before we went out I stopped to get some things to send C overseas. It was so exciting for me, finding things I thought he'd be happy to get. I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy. Is that wrong? Is that co-dependent?
I've been trying to be present more. To really live my moments so I can burn them into my memory and have them for the whole rest of my life. Part of that, I know, is the active recollection. As I stood at the pit of the pavilion yesterday, dancing with friends, feeling a little buzzed from the beer, I looked around at all the wonderful people. There was a family to our left, all standing, except for the young boy who was breaking it down, dancing his own style with total abandon to the music. I kept watching him and smiling. I thought of myself and my love of playing music, and how I'm the only one in my family that has that. It made me smile deeper. We all have our sparkly bits...the parts that make us different and unique. I pray that each of us learns to follow those parts of ourselves, and protect them.
And I saw the young and old hoola-hoopin' off to the sides, one girl twirlin' a hoop on her ankle up in the air as she laid back in the grass. Amazing. And I turned my head to the right, just in time to see a Dad throw a football across the grass to his son. And I noticed that the myriad of kids seemed to be wearing all the colors of the rainbow, collectively, like a bag of skittles. And then one of my friends danced over and asked me about the boy....I told her where I stood, and then as she whipped out a little cut off bottom of a cup with something in it, seemingly out of thin air, she said..."by the way, do you want a chocolate covered espresso bean?" We laughed at the randomness of it all. Life, perfectly. Fluid perfection. Beauty shining all around. It was a wonderful night.
And the glory continued today, as for the second day in a row the weather was perfect. I sent off the package for C on my way to meet my friends and go to a wine festival. It was another wonderful day of old friends and new, drinking wine and telling stories, laughing about life and love. We saw funny looking chickens and cows and goats and watched the kids ride the sheep. And I saw the families all around and thought how wonderful it would be to come to this next year with C and his kids. I crave that. Is that wrong??
I didn't hear from him at all today, and that bothers me. Is that wrong? I guess the better question is can I grow to where it doesn't bother me? Am I staying small by feeling all these things? Tonight I've been reminding myself, through my inklings to panic, I do not need him. Want is not the same as need, no matter what the heart says. But what if I do need? Is that wrong? Is that small? Does that mean that's where I need to grow? Because the thing is, I know these past 2 days, and the past weeks, months, whatever....when I'm feeling my love for him strongly, and feeling secure in that, I am happier for it. It's like a big vice that normally is clenched tight around my heart, is just opened up. I know I can be happy and enjoy life without him, but to quote Nora Roberts, I want to be "deep down in my gut happy." And I don't know if I've ever felt that without being in love, and having that loved returned.
I don't know if it's wrong or right or completely irrelevant entirely. I feel like I need to really get that lesson though, truly feel that I do not need him. I wonder though, is it possible to reach that happy happy place alone? I don't know. I don't know.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Gotta get me some frubbles!!
So in the Wikepedia article on Jealousy I found this:
"Jealousy is defined as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship." (Bevan, 2004, page 195)
I googled "jealousy" because I was feelin' some and I'm trying to figure it out. From henceforth I'm going to refer to the guy mentioned in the previous blogs as "C" because trying to define our relationship at the moment is like a logic loop. Anyhow...so C had this friend who he admitted having feelings for at one time, but assured me that they both decided friendship was best for them. Recently he had a falling out with this woman and they were not speaking. Today, after a long distance skype session leaving me warm and fuzzy from getting to see and speak to him overseas, I hopped on Facebook and was informed that this woman commented on a post of his I had liked. Enter Jealousy. All manner of questions race through my mind and suspicions and fears and etc etc..you get the picture.
But I'm sitting here, reminding myself of the reality of the situation and the reasons I refuse to commit at the moment, and am torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of. Hmmm...what am I afraid of? When I type it out like that, the dichotomy...it highlights something. I'm torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of......I'm afraid that my love is a lie. That who I think he is, is a lie. That I am putting my trust and heart into something false. What is it in me that makes me so afraid that I am being lied to? I'd like to blame past experiences, but I think it goes deeper, because I've had many past experiences that were good. Maybe it's more of that control stuff... Probably, because once one thing happens I kinda start on this downward spiral, and suddenly every comment and every hesitation I start being suspicious of. It's ridiculous, but how do I tell the difference between intuition which I should pay attention to and plain ol' paranoia?
Either way, when I read that definition I notice two things: 1. "perceived" and 2. "definiton of their relationship." Truly this unpleasant emotion has everything to do with my mind and assumptions and understandings. And when I see this I am reminded to ask myself, "how do I define this relationship?" That is where I'm torn, it's a very much undefined relationship, too many variables, every one of them in flux. But my love wants to go deeper, my love wants to follow this, but I need to take it unbearably slow. I need to work with it more because I can't quite figure it out at the moment...but I think I'm on the right path. We shall see!
"Jealousy is defined as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship." (Bevan, 2004, page 195)
I googled "jealousy" because I was feelin' some and I'm trying to figure it out. From henceforth I'm going to refer to the guy mentioned in the previous blogs as "C" because trying to define our relationship at the moment is like a logic loop. Anyhow...so C had this friend who he admitted having feelings for at one time, but assured me that they both decided friendship was best for them. Recently he had a falling out with this woman and they were not speaking. Today, after a long distance skype session leaving me warm and fuzzy from getting to see and speak to him overseas, I hopped on Facebook and was informed that this woman commented on a post of his I had liked. Enter Jealousy. All manner of questions race through my mind and suspicions and fears and etc etc..you get the picture.
But I'm sitting here, reminding myself of the reality of the situation and the reasons I refuse to commit at the moment, and am torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of. Hmmm...what am I afraid of? When I type it out like that, the dichotomy...it highlights something. I'm torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of......I'm afraid that my love is a lie. That who I think he is, is a lie. That I am putting my trust and heart into something false. What is it in me that makes me so afraid that I am being lied to? I'd like to blame past experiences, but I think it goes deeper, because I've had many past experiences that were good. Maybe it's more of that control stuff... Probably, because once one thing happens I kinda start on this downward spiral, and suddenly every comment and every hesitation I start being suspicious of. It's ridiculous, but how do I tell the difference between intuition which I should pay attention to and plain ol' paranoia?
Either way, when I read that definition I notice two things: 1. "perceived" and 2. "definiton of their relationship." Truly this unpleasant emotion has everything to do with my mind and assumptions and understandings. And when I see this I am reminded to ask myself, "how do I define this relationship?" That is where I'm torn, it's a very much undefined relationship, too many variables, every one of them in flux. But my love wants to go deeper, my love wants to follow this, but I need to take it unbearably slow. I need to work with it more because I can't quite figure it out at the moment...but I think I'm on the right path. We shall see!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mental Indigestion
I haven't been writing. But I've been thinking, that's for sure....so much thinking. So many thoughts and emotions and swirly internal funness....which the red squiggly snake reminds me is *not* a word...but I like to expand his horizons. ;)
I have been quite overwhelmed with it all, and I am keenly aware of this, and I have a very strong suspicion it's because I haven't been writing. So I guess it's a good platform to test out this "creativity is essential not invetible thing..." I've taken in so much lately, reading, watching youtube videos of different peeps talking about their ideas of love and life and fear and living....I've taken in so much, and I keep thinking, "oh, I need to blog about that." But I've also been deeply involved in the living thing, sharing and experiencing and laughing and loving, so I haven't had the time to blog. The thing is, though, I've noticed my mind is scattered. I keep forgetting things, I can't think straight often, and while part of me is freaked out and is ready to get tested for all manner of conditions, a deeper part of me is saying, "shh...of course you can't think straight, you're all filled up, and you need to express."
I guess eating is the best analogy. You've got to eat to survive, but what you eat, how much you eat, all these things affect how well you live. And then you have to remember that you can shove a whole pile of the healthiest food in the world down your gullet, but you still have to let your body digest. And yes, then there's the other end of the process....but I think this is where the analogy falters. When it comes to living and growing I think the assimilation of good occurs in the same way the releasing of bad does. In the body, it goes: digestion, assimilation, then whatever is left is waste. In the soul though, the "digestion" sorts it all, sitting with an experience, mulling it over...but the expression is the vehicle for both assimilation and elimination, and that's why it is essential.
I'm feeling better already, even having this little bit of time to get some of these thoughts out feels like it's helping already. There's still a lot more, of course, but hopefully I'll catch up to it all this weekend. Today I'm allowing myself to do whatever. Oh, there's plenty that needs to be done, but I'm totally giving myself permission to not do a darn thing if I don't feel like it. :) I know I'll get a bunch of stuff done, but it's more important for me to allow myself the freedom right now...so...we'll see. :)
I have been quite overwhelmed with it all, and I am keenly aware of this, and I have a very strong suspicion it's because I haven't been writing. So I guess it's a good platform to test out this "creativity is essential not invetible thing..." I've taken in so much lately, reading, watching youtube videos of different peeps talking about their ideas of love and life and fear and living....I've taken in so much, and I keep thinking, "oh, I need to blog about that." But I've also been deeply involved in the living thing, sharing and experiencing and laughing and loving, so I haven't had the time to blog. The thing is, though, I've noticed my mind is scattered. I keep forgetting things, I can't think straight often, and while part of me is freaked out and is ready to get tested for all manner of conditions, a deeper part of me is saying, "shh...of course you can't think straight, you're all filled up, and you need to express."
I guess eating is the best analogy. You've got to eat to survive, but what you eat, how much you eat, all these things affect how well you live. And then you have to remember that you can shove a whole pile of the healthiest food in the world down your gullet, but you still have to let your body digest. And yes, then there's the other end of the process....but I think this is where the analogy falters. When it comes to living and growing I think the assimilation of good occurs in the same way the releasing of bad does. In the body, it goes: digestion, assimilation, then whatever is left is waste. In the soul though, the "digestion" sorts it all, sitting with an experience, mulling it over...but the expression is the vehicle for both assimilation and elimination, and that's why it is essential.
I'm feeling better already, even having this little bit of time to get some of these thoughts out feels like it's helping already. There's still a lot more, of course, but hopefully I'll catch up to it all this weekend. Today I'm allowing myself to do whatever. Oh, there's plenty that needs to be done, but I'm totally giving myself permission to not do a darn thing if I don't feel like it. :) I know I'll get a bunch of stuff done, but it's more important for me to allow myself the freedom right now...so...we'll see. :)
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