I've been dealing with an ear infection...well, two in fact. And actually it's more allergy related, I believe, than"sick" related...but I digress. I'm always curious about the theories of an illness' emotional connection, and when I researched "ear infections" I found an interesting article that said if it was the left ear it's a sign that you're not listening to your inner voice. The right ear means not wanting to hear what's going on around you. So I've got both, but definitely way worse on the left side. Just more confirmation for me that I need to really get in touch with my thoughts, creativity, opening up that 5th chakra.
This has been persisting for about 3 weeks now. Several times I thought it was getting better and put off going to the doctor, only to have it get worse again. Going to the doc this friday...hopefully it will help. It's been a strange existence these few weeks though, almost like I'm constantly in a dream. I can barely hear, and it feels like I'm in a tunnel. My sense of space is all confused too...balance...all of it. I'm sure it's entertaining to those around me, but for me it's a little disconcerting. But honestly, by now, I'm starting to just go with it!
I'm almost done with my first reading of of Radical Acceptance. I know for sure I will need to read it again. There's so much in that book! Last night I was reading a bit where it talked about meditating and getting to that point where you...well...where "you" dissolves. To that point where there is only awareness. She refers to asking the question "who is feeling this" or something to that effect to get closer to that dissolution-of-self point. Reading about this, I thought I remembered a handful of times where I approached this understanding. I thought about it last night, as I was tired, not able to hear, about to go to sleep...and for a brief moment I let myself consider this state of being. And then a shot of terror went through me.
We are so attached to our identities that the idea of just letting that go seems so wrong. Like death. But apparently, it is through practicing this state of awareness that we come to a greater feeling of connectedness with all things, which is what we long for in our deepest depths.
Many things she talks about in this book I feel like I've already done. It's funny because as far back as I can remember I've always been super compassionate. Maybe it's just how I was raised. I'm not sure, but it occurred to me that I feel like I am pretty "skilled" (for lack of a better term) at this lovingkindess stuff, but when it comes to issues and emotions within myself I'm pretty lacking in skill. I read Terri's blog and am awed by her ability to dive down into her depths and come up with these amazing realizations, day after day, and then apply them to her life and grow from it. I think I do that, but in teeny tiny little bits. Anyhow, I was wondering if it was possible to just skip all that inner work and just get to the at peace with the world stuff, since that seems to be my affinity. Then I read Rob Brezny's horoscope for me this week:
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hanadi Zakaria al-Hindi is the first Saudi Arabian
woman to be licensed to fly a plane. But there's an absurd law in her
country that prohibits women from driving cars, so she needs a man to
give her a lift to the airport. Is there any situation in your own life that
resembles hers, Leo? Like maybe you've advanced to a higher level
without getting certified on a lower level? Or maybe you've got
permission and power to operate in a sphere that's meaningful to you
even though you skipped a step along the way? Now would be a good
time to think about whether you should do anything about the
discrepancy, and if so, how to do it.
Seems to me that if I can fly a plane, I'll take it! But being able to drive around would be pretty cool too. So maybe I don't have to go in order, but I probably should still try to learn all the skills. It's like in college, where you don't have to take all your easy distribution req's in Freshman year, but you do need them to graduate. So even if I've received special permissions to skip some pre-req's for now...it's probably only a matter of time before I have to actually face those...basic..messier..lessons to be learned.
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