Want is not need, no matter what the heart says.

I am happier believing I have someone who is in love with me.  There is a peace in that for me. Is it wrong?  To want that....to need that?  

Yesterday I had a great evening with friends.  Had a couple of drinks, listened to some great music.  It was  beautiful day.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Before we went out I stopped to get some things to send C overseas.  It was so exciting for me, finding things I thought he'd be happy to get.  I want him to be happy.  I want to make him happy.   Is that wrong?  Is that co-dependent?

I've been trying to be present more.  To really live my moments so I can burn them into my memory and have them for the whole rest of my life.  Part of that, I know, is the active recollection.  As I stood at the pit of the pavilion yesterday, dancing with friends, feeling a little buzzed from the beer, I looked around at all the wonderful people.  There was a family to our left, all standing, except for the young boy who was breaking it down, dancing his own style with total abandon to the music.  I kept watching him and smiling.  I thought of myself and my love of playing music, and how I'm the only one in my family that has that.  It made me smile deeper.  We all have our sparkly bits...the parts that make us different and unique.  I pray that each of us learns to follow those parts of ourselves, and protect them.

And I saw the young and old hoola-hoopin' off to the sides, one girl twirlin' a hoop on her ankle up in the air as she laid back in the grass.  Amazing.   And I turned my head to the right, just in time to see a Dad throw a football across the grass to his son.  And I noticed that the myriad of kids seemed to be wearing all the colors of the rainbow, collectively, like a bag of skittles.  And then one of my friends danced over and asked me about the boy....I told her where I stood, and then as she whipped out a little cut off bottom of a cup with something in it, seemingly out of thin air, she said..."by the way, do you want a chocolate covered espresso bean?"  We laughed at the randomness of it all.  Life, perfectly.  Fluid perfection.  Beauty shining all around.  It was a wonderful night.

And the glory continued today, as for the second day in a row the weather was perfect.  I sent off the package for C on my way to meet my friends and go to a wine festival.  It was another wonderful day of old friends and new, drinking wine and telling stories, laughing about life and love.  We saw funny looking chickens and cows and goats and watched the kids ride the sheep.  And I saw the families all around and thought how wonderful it would be to come to this next year with C and his kids.  I crave that.  Is that wrong??

I didn't hear from him at all today, and that bothers me. Is that wrong?   I guess the better question is can I grow to where it doesn't bother me?  Am I staying small by feeling all these things?   Tonight I've been reminding myself, through my inklings to panic, I do not need him.  Want is not the same as need, no matter what the heart says.  But what if I do need?  Is that wrong?  Is that small?  Does that mean that's where I need to grow?  Because the thing is, I know these past 2 days, and the past weeks, months, whatever....when I'm feeling my love for him strongly, and feeling secure in that, I am happier for it.  It's like a big vice that normally is clenched tight around my heart, is just opened up.  I know I can be happy and enjoy life without him, but to quote Nora Roberts, I want to be "deep down in my gut happy."  And I don't know if I've ever felt that without being in love, and having that loved returned.

I don't know if it's wrong or right or completely irrelevant entirely.  I feel like I need to really get that lesson though, truly feel that I do not need him.  I wonder though, is it possible to reach that happy happy place alone?   I don't know.  I don't know.