Gotta get me some frubbles!!

So in the Wikepedia article on Jealousy I found this:

"Jealousy is defined as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship." (Bevan, 2004, page 195)

I googled "jealousy" because I was feelin' some and I'm trying to figure it out.  From henceforth I'm going to refer to the guy mentioned in the previous blogs as "C" because trying to define our relationship at the moment is like a logic loop.  Anyhow...so C had this friend who he admitted having feelings for at one time, but assured me that they both decided friendship was best for them.  Recently he had a falling out with this woman and they were not speaking.  Today, after a long distance skype session leaving me warm and fuzzy from getting to see and speak to him overseas, I hopped on Facebook and was informed that this woman commented on a post of his I had liked.  Enter Jealousy.  All manner of questions race through my mind and suspicions and fears and etc etc..you get the picture.

But I'm sitting here, reminding myself of the reality of the situation and the reasons I refuse to commit at the moment, and am torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of.   Hmmm...what am I afraid of?  When I type it out like that, the dichotomy...it highlights something.  I'm torn between the way I love him, and what I'm afraid of......I'm afraid that my love is a lie.  That who I think he is, is a lie.  That I am putting my trust and heart into something false.    What is it in me that makes me so afraid that I am being lied to?   I'd like to blame past experiences, but I think it goes deeper, because I've had many past experiences that were good.  Maybe it's more of that control stuff...  Probably, because once one thing happens I kinda start on this downward spiral, and suddenly every comment and every hesitation I start being suspicious of.  It's ridiculous, but how do I tell the difference between intuition which I should pay attention to and plain ol' paranoia?

Either way, when I read that definition I notice two things: 1. "perceived" and 2. "definiton of their relationship." Truly this unpleasant emotion has everything to do with my mind and assumptions and understandings.  And when I see this I am reminded to ask myself, "how do I define this relationship?"  That is where I'm torn, it's a very much undefined relationship, too many variables, every one of them in flux.  But my love wants to go deeper, my love wants to follow this, but I need to take it unbearably slow.   I need to work with it more because I can't quite figure it out at the moment...but I think I'm on the right path.  We shall see!