When the movie Avatar came out I went to see it with my roommate and her boyfriend. Afterwards, as we were excitedly recalling the cool parts of the film, my friend asked me, "So which would you choose, Pandora or the Shire?" My answer was most definitely, Pandora. Hers was the Shire. She responded, "I figured you'd choose Pandora, I knew you'd want to fly on dragons." I laughed. It's true, I would love to be able to fly on dragons, but that's not why I chose the way I did. The key element of life in an Avatar world that swings the scales for me is connection. If everything else in the movie was the same, but their amazing ability to commune with each other and the world around them were missing, I'd choose the Shire.
Connection. It's a pretty basic desire of, I dare say, all humanity. It's what we look for when we meet new people, it's why we root for sports teams, date, meditate, go to church, go to bars, and read blogs. We want to connect. We need it. It's what we're made for.
I've been dealing with loneliness lately. For me, I believe, it's the most uncomfortable emotion. Almost all other emotions I can get comfortable with. I can accept my fear, my anger, my confusion, my doubt... I can sit with all of these and offer compassion and acceptance to them and get through them. The most common strong emotions, fear and anger, bring a powerful energy with them, so in many ways they are life-affirming. I'm okay with that. But loneliness??? Oh goodness, no.
In my characterization of emotions I've drawn "loneliness" as a waifish young girl, dressed in rags with disturbingly dark and sunken eyes that make you think of death. Not really a lass you'd jump at the chance to have tea with... But in my efforts to reaffirm my self-worth, using many techniques from Radical Acceptance and talking with my therapist, I am pointed back to this emotion. What is it that makes me dread loneliness so much? I've tried for a couple of weeks now, to sit with it, accept it, feel it, and understand it. I haven't had much progress until today...
Meditating today on this horrid feeling I realized some of the associations I have with it. My fear, with loneliness, is that my heart will be so starved for love, so long without what it needs for survival that it, like a plant without water, will shrivel up and die forever. Ugh. THAT doesn't sound like fun. I sat with that for a while and let it sink in. Thoughts swirled around and images, ideas... The idea of my soul needing love in dry soil, so it sends its roots down deeper. The idea that our energy cannot be destroyed, our souls are eternal. The idea that we are all connected so how can I ever truly be without love....so maybe it's just a self-imposed wall....
I tried to imagine being the only thing to exist in infinity. To take my fear to the extreme and imagine what if I was truly, unequivocally, undeniably ALONE. And yeah, it would totally suck for a long long time, but I think, like everything, you'd get used to it. :) And if I floated in that empty void for eons, what would happen if the solitude ended? If something (not even a someone) just appeared to share the space with me....I imagined that first there would be intense curiosity....possibly fear, but I thought after so long alone and with only myself, anything new brought into the world...I would love. Something new, something to share with...I would love it. (Now my logical brain has to argue that if it was something that caused pain I would probably not love it, but bear with me...) And then from that I've taken that loneliness is like a potential. Like the potential energy version of the kinetic energy of loving. Or maybe an action potential for love....
I'm not sure which scientific analogy fits best, but the point is that perhaps loneliness just carves out more space in our hearts for love. Maybe through loneliness we are forced to grow more roots, reach deeper to find those connections, and that will open up whole new realms and pools of love that we never before would have been able to reach. Maybe our hearts can never be destroyed as long as we are willing to reach through the pain to the love that lies beyond. We shall see....
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Happy Ireland Day!!!
I remember a specific day in college. It was the weekend of our annual carnival on campus. I had tons of homework to do. I was talking to a friend and explaining that I needed to go out and play first because I was all excited and knew that once I had my fun I'd be able to come home and focus on getting my work done. And it was true. When I really allowed myself to totally have fun, I'd be completely okay with going home to get work done. My friend was surprised by this because for him, and I think for a lot of people, they use play as a reward...like...if I do my work, then I can go out and play. This sometimes works...but I'm beginning to think that maybe this is the wrong approach for me.
I love all things Irish and St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite. Ideally, I'd like to be in Ireland, or at least here, surrounded by Irish music and people dancing jigs and generally having a good time. But all morning I've been trying to motivate to do my chores. I've also been dealing with some emotional stuff, but I think that's taken care of for the moment. As I am beginning to hear from others out and having fun, I remembered that day back in college and I wonder if perhaps I've been too long putting work before play and maybe that's the problem. Maybe my soul is just plain tired of working all the time. Maybe I just need to be a hedonist for a bit....hmmmm....off to get my jig on. ;)
I love all things Irish and St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite. Ideally, I'd like to be in Ireland, or at least here, surrounded by Irish music and people dancing jigs and generally having a good time. But all morning I've been trying to motivate to do my chores. I've also been dealing with some emotional stuff, but I think that's taken care of for the moment. As I am beginning to hear from others out and having fun, I remembered that day back in college and I wonder if perhaps I've been too long putting work before play and maybe that's the problem. Maybe my soul is just plain tired of working all the time. Maybe I just need to be a hedonist for a bit....hmmmm....off to get my jig on. ;)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Special permissions
I've been dealing with an ear infection...well, two in fact. And actually it's more allergy related, I believe, than"sick" related...but I digress. I'm always curious about the theories of an illness' emotional connection, and when I researched "ear infections" I found an interesting article that said if it was the left ear it's a sign that you're not listening to your inner voice. The right ear means not wanting to hear what's going on around you. So I've got both, but definitely way worse on the left side. Just more confirmation for me that I need to really get in touch with my thoughts, creativity, opening up that 5th chakra.
This has been persisting for about 3 weeks now. Several times I thought it was getting better and put off going to the doctor, only to have it get worse again. Going to the doc this friday...hopefully it will help. It's been a strange existence these few weeks though, almost like I'm constantly in a dream. I can barely hear, and it feels like I'm in a tunnel. My sense of space is all confused too...balance...all of it. I'm sure it's entertaining to those around me, but for me it's a little disconcerting. But honestly, by now, I'm starting to just go with it!
I'm almost done with my first reading of of Radical Acceptance. I know for sure I will need to read it again. There's so much in that book! Last night I was reading a bit where it talked about meditating and getting to that point where you...well...where "you" dissolves. To that point where there is only awareness. She refers to asking the question "who is feeling this" or something to that effect to get closer to that dissolution-of-self point. Reading about this, I thought I remembered a handful of times where I approached this understanding. I thought about it last night, as I was tired, not able to hear, about to go to sleep...and for a brief moment I let myself consider this state of being. And then a shot of terror went through me.
We are so attached to our identities that the idea of just letting that go seems so wrong. Like death. But apparently, it is through practicing this state of awareness that we come to a greater feeling of connectedness with all things, which is what we long for in our deepest depths.
Many things she talks about in this book I feel like I've already done. It's funny because as far back as I can remember I've always been super compassionate. Maybe it's just how I was raised. I'm not sure, but it occurred to me that I feel like I am pretty "skilled" (for lack of a better term) at this lovingkindess stuff, but when it comes to issues and emotions within myself I'm pretty lacking in skill. I read Terri's blog and am awed by her ability to dive down into her depths and come up with these amazing realizations, day after day, and then apply them to her life and grow from it. I think I do that, but in teeny tiny little bits. Anyhow, I was wondering if it was possible to just skip all that inner work and just get to the at peace with the world stuff, since that seems to be my affinity. Then I read Rob Brezny's horoscope for me this week:
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hanadi Zakaria al-Hindi is the first Saudi Arabian
woman to be licensed to fly a plane. But there's an absurd law in her
country that prohibits women from driving cars, so she needs a man to
give her a lift to the airport. Is there any situation in your own life that
resembles hers, Leo? Like maybe you've advanced to a higher level
without getting certified on a lower level? Or maybe you've got
permission and power to operate in a sphere that's meaningful to you
even though you skipped a step along the way? Now would be a good
time to think about whether you should do anything about the
discrepancy, and if so, how to do it.
Seems to me that if I can fly a plane, I'll take it! But being able to drive around would be pretty cool too. So maybe I don't have to go in order, but I probably should still try to learn all the skills. It's like in college, where you don't have to take all your easy distribution req's in Freshman year, but you do need them to graduate. So even if I've received special permissions to skip some pre-req's for now...it's probably only a matter of time before I have to actually face those...basic..messier..lessons to be learned.
This has been persisting for about 3 weeks now. Several times I thought it was getting better and put off going to the doctor, only to have it get worse again. Going to the doc this friday...hopefully it will help. It's been a strange existence these few weeks though, almost like I'm constantly in a dream. I can barely hear, and it feels like I'm in a tunnel. My sense of space is all confused too...balance...all of it. I'm sure it's entertaining to those around me, but for me it's a little disconcerting. But honestly, by now, I'm starting to just go with it!
I'm almost done with my first reading of of Radical Acceptance. I know for sure I will need to read it again. There's so much in that book! Last night I was reading a bit where it talked about meditating and getting to that point where you...well...where "you" dissolves. To that point where there is only awareness. She refers to asking the question "who is feeling this" or something to that effect to get closer to that dissolution-of-self point. Reading about this, I thought I remembered a handful of times where I approached this understanding. I thought about it last night, as I was tired, not able to hear, about to go to sleep...and for a brief moment I let myself consider this state of being. And then a shot of terror went through me.
We are so attached to our identities that the idea of just letting that go seems so wrong. Like death. But apparently, it is through practicing this state of awareness that we come to a greater feeling of connectedness with all things, which is what we long for in our deepest depths.
Many things she talks about in this book I feel like I've already done. It's funny because as far back as I can remember I've always been super compassionate. Maybe it's just how I was raised. I'm not sure, but it occurred to me that I feel like I am pretty "skilled" (for lack of a better term) at this lovingkindess stuff, but when it comes to issues and emotions within myself I'm pretty lacking in skill. I read Terri's blog and am awed by her ability to dive down into her depths and come up with these amazing realizations, day after day, and then apply them to her life and grow from it. I think I do that, but in teeny tiny little bits. Anyhow, I was wondering if it was possible to just skip all that inner work and just get to the at peace with the world stuff, since that seems to be my affinity. Then I read Rob Brezny's horoscope for me this week:
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hanadi Zakaria al-Hindi is the first Saudi Arabian
woman to be licensed to fly a plane. But there's an absurd law in her
country that prohibits women from driving cars, so she needs a man to
give her a lift to the airport. Is there any situation in your own life that
resembles hers, Leo? Like maybe you've advanced to a higher level
without getting certified on a lower level? Or maybe you've got
permission and power to operate in a sphere that's meaningful to you
even though you skipped a step along the way? Now would be a good
time to think about whether you should do anything about the
discrepancy, and if so, how to do it.
Seems to me that if I can fly a plane, I'll take it! But being able to drive around would be pretty cool too. So maybe I don't have to go in order, but I probably should still try to learn all the skills. It's like in college, where you don't have to take all your easy distribution req's in Freshman year, but you do need them to graduate. So even if I've received special permissions to skip some pre-req's for now...it's probably only a matter of time before I have to actually face those...basic..messier..lessons to be learned.
Sunday, March 04, 2012
The Balance of Forgiveness
People are always talking about how important it is to forgive. The ability to let go of past wrongs and to offer forgiveness to those that have hurt us, even if they've never aplogized to us, is considered a noble trait. It is often suggested that forgiving is a way of healing ourselves because holding on to an old anger or grudge is only harming ourselves. I agree with all of these things. I am a very forgiving person.
However....I have recently realized there is a danger in forgiving too easily. Part of my pattern with unhealthy relationships, probably the most unhealthy part of the whole thing always happens at the end. When a relationship ends, even if I am the one being hurt, dumped, lied to, whatever...I always immediately start trying to forgive the person. I try to release my anger and remember my love for the person, I pray for their happiness and that they find love. I do everything in my power to wish the best for them, and harbor no resentment towards them. I look at the whole thing as a learning process in life and try to take away only the best of it. Seems great, right? When you type it out on paper, looks wonderful. But let me give an analogy to illustrate the problem:
You have a child. You walk into a playground and see an adult beating your child. You, of course, run in and protect your child. Whether it be by fighting the person directly or drawing your child away to comfort them, you end this abuse to your child. And when the immediate danger is past you turn to the abuser and say, "it's okay, I'm sure you're a good person, I forgive you." Uh...no...not so much.
See, I've realized that by always forgiving too quickly those that have hurt me, I've devalued my Self. By forgiving my mother for all the hurt she caused me, by forgiving the boys that lied to me and left me, all too soon, I was subconsciously telling myself that I was not important enough to be angry over. That my feelings did not matter, that I was not as worthy of respect as they were. All the while, thinking I was doing the right thing because I was trying to be a loving compassionate soul. I'm not suggesting that we hold on to anger forever, or even for a very long time. But I think it is *very* important to make sure we are not forgiving a person until WE ARE READY.
I ended up having a conversation with my ex. It was a lot of me expressing a lot of anger. Anger bubbled up and overflowed and I was surprised at how strong it seemed. He was apologetic, and for the most part, understanding. I appreciated this. I'm sure there's a lot more we could talk about, and maybe that will in time, but I feel like I was able to express the key important things that were really bothering me, and I feel much better for it. The most important thing I did though, was actually *not* doing something. He asked if I would forgive him, he said he was sorry. I told him that I truly appreciated his sentiments, but that for the time being, I could not. I would forgive him in time, because I AM a loving, compassionate soul. But I must respect myself now, and honor my own hurts and anger.
I suppose by not forgiving him I am forgiving a deeper part of myself. Forgiving myself for mistakes, misjudgments, fears, doubts, failures....and I am accepting myself for all of me, ugly emotions and imperfections included. I think I've found the balance of forgiveness...and that is so very healing.
However....I have recently realized there is a danger in forgiving too easily. Part of my pattern with unhealthy relationships, probably the most unhealthy part of the whole thing always happens at the end. When a relationship ends, even if I am the one being hurt, dumped, lied to, whatever...I always immediately start trying to forgive the person. I try to release my anger and remember my love for the person, I pray for their happiness and that they find love. I do everything in my power to wish the best for them, and harbor no resentment towards them. I look at the whole thing as a learning process in life and try to take away only the best of it. Seems great, right? When you type it out on paper, looks wonderful. But let me give an analogy to illustrate the problem:
You have a child. You walk into a playground and see an adult beating your child. You, of course, run in and protect your child. Whether it be by fighting the person directly or drawing your child away to comfort them, you end this abuse to your child. And when the immediate danger is past you turn to the abuser and say, "it's okay, I'm sure you're a good person, I forgive you." Uh...no...not so much.
See, I've realized that by always forgiving too quickly those that have hurt me, I've devalued my Self. By forgiving my mother for all the hurt she caused me, by forgiving the boys that lied to me and left me, all too soon, I was subconsciously telling myself that I was not important enough to be angry over. That my feelings did not matter, that I was not as worthy of respect as they were. All the while, thinking I was doing the right thing because I was trying to be a loving compassionate soul. I'm not suggesting that we hold on to anger forever, or even for a very long time. But I think it is *very* important to make sure we are not forgiving a person until WE ARE READY.
I ended up having a conversation with my ex. It was a lot of me expressing a lot of anger. Anger bubbled up and overflowed and I was surprised at how strong it seemed. He was apologetic, and for the most part, understanding. I appreciated this. I'm sure there's a lot more we could talk about, and maybe that will in time, but I feel like I was able to express the key important things that were really bothering me, and I feel much better for it. The most important thing I did though, was actually *not* doing something. He asked if I would forgive him, he said he was sorry. I told him that I truly appreciated his sentiments, but that for the time being, I could not. I would forgive him in time, because I AM a loving, compassionate soul. But I must respect myself now, and honor my own hurts and anger.
I suppose by not forgiving him I am forgiving a deeper part of myself. Forgiving myself for mistakes, misjudgments, fears, doubts, failures....and I am accepting myself for all of me, ugly emotions and imperfections included. I think I've found the balance of forgiveness...and that is so very healing.
Saturday, March 03, 2012
I know why the little pigs don't fly
Yesterday, even after I wrote the last blog entry, and after I was feeling better for a moment, I returned to my state of despair. I was trying to just allow myself the sorrow and pain, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere, it just seemed to sit there and make me miserable. I grabbed the Radical Acceptance book and read a little more in it, hoping to find something that would click with me at the moment. And I did. She talked about a particularly hard breakup she went through and how, in her suffering, she turned to the idea of Kwan Yin, the Boddhisattva of Compassion. Something in the way she worded the story made me realize 2 things.
First, the problem I was having was not in dealing with the emotion. I realized I was fighting the truth. The truth being that my guy...well...just isn't. He's not "mine" in any sense of the word, but particularly, not mine in heart. I *want* him to feel for me like I do for him. I *want* him to be missing me and hurting for not hearing from me. I *want* him to want to talk to me and spend time with me and I *want* all of those things he said, making me think he really cared, to be proven true by his actions as well. But I could want for pigs to fly, all day 'til the cows come home, but that's not going to make them sprout wings. All it's going to do is make me sad. "Why oh why won't those little pigs fly?????" Doesn't really matter why... they won't. End of story, move on. Sigh.
Move on to what? To this: Realization number 2. Our experiences are here to teach us. I tend to think I have a role here on this earth as a healer of sorts, and for that I need compassion. I think I am a pretty compassionate soul, more compassionate than your average bear...but what's one of the most common heartaches people suffer?? Unrequited love. Bingo. Ahhh... I mean, it's not like this is something I've never experienced before, obviously...but not recently, and maybe I need to experience it again with a new level of understanding. The point is when this finally clicked into place I felt a big relief from the pain. I'm loving someone who doesn't love me......just like thousands and millions of people all over the world, from rich to poor, old to young, in the most desolate uneducated places to the busiest oversophisticated citites. We *all* go through this. And we all think it sucks. But there it is, argueably perhaps the single most unifying experience in all of humanity, spanning all gaps, even time. And there it is...OH the irony. What bonds us all together more than anything? Our lack of bonding with the ones we love. Ha ha ha ha....and that's why my first blog was entitled "Life is a big cosmic joke!!!"
First, the problem I was having was not in dealing with the emotion. I realized I was fighting the truth. The truth being that my guy...well...just isn't. He's not "mine" in any sense of the word, but particularly, not mine in heart. I *want* him to feel for me like I do for him. I *want* him to be missing me and hurting for not hearing from me. I *want* him to want to talk to me and spend time with me and I *want* all of those things he said, making me think he really cared, to be proven true by his actions as well. But I could want for pigs to fly, all day 'til the cows come home, but that's not going to make them sprout wings. All it's going to do is make me sad. "Why oh why won't those little pigs fly?????" Doesn't really matter why... they won't. End of story, move on. Sigh.
Move on to what? To this: Realization number 2. Our experiences are here to teach us. I tend to think I have a role here on this earth as a healer of sorts, and for that I need compassion. I think I am a pretty compassionate soul, more compassionate than your average bear...but what's one of the most common heartaches people suffer?? Unrequited love. Bingo. Ahhh... I mean, it's not like this is something I've never experienced before, obviously...but not recently, and maybe I need to experience it again with a new level of understanding. The point is when this finally clicked into place I felt a big relief from the pain. I'm loving someone who doesn't love me......just like thousands and millions of people all over the world, from rich to poor, old to young, in the most desolate uneducated places to the busiest oversophisticated citites. We *all* go through this. And we all think it sucks. But there it is, argueably perhaps the single most unifying experience in all of humanity, spanning all gaps, even time. And there it is...OH the irony. What bonds us all together more than anything? Our lack of bonding with the ones we love. Ha ha ha ha....and that's why my first blog was entitled "Life is a big cosmic joke!!!"
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Somebody that I used to know
This song is helping me at the moment....and what a cool video!! Somebody that I used to know
But anyway.....breakups are hard. Pretty sure that's not news. One of the books I'm reading right now is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, MD. I'm determined to get to a place where I can truly feel worthy of love and belonging because I'm really starting to think that's my biggest obstacle in not being able to find a lasting relationship. In this book she talks about just being present and aware of your emotions and the effects on the body and use that as a key to get to a deeper connection with your self, and in turn, others.
I'm trying very hard in all this to be very present and accepting of my emotions and patient and loving with myself. It's all part of the grand greater plan of getting to a better place overall in my life. Some days are much harder than others. It's surprising to me how absolutely exhausting all this self-awareness can be! It's a constant mental focus, and sometimes I just have to put it aside and take refuge in my fortress of anger. But I was just reminded, as I took my comforter from the washer, how it all fades away. I'm cleaning my room as part of a mental exercise of cleansing my spirit, and washing away all the attachments to the painful patterns of yesterday. I cried a lot today. Everytime I started to do something productive I became overwhelmed with emotion, and felt a deep deep tired. So I stopped, looked within, breathed, and often cried.
It got to a point where I felt like the situation was robbing me of my precious time. So that's when I retreated to the anger. But as I put my freshly washed bedding into the dryer, feeling a little sense of relief, it reminded me that sometimes you just need to ride out the crazy waves of emotion. A big part of me overcoming my bouts of depression years ago was realizing one key thing. The worst part of depression for me is that during it, it feels like it will never end, the fear comes that the pain will last forever. But it never does. It always passes. I guess that's true with all emotions, and that's a big point Tara talks about in her book. It's the running from and fearing of emotions that makes them so much bigger than us. When we take them for what they are, we can surf through them, possibly bruised and bloody, but whole and safe on the shore in the end.
But anyway.....breakups are hard. Pretty sure that's not news. One of the books I'm reading right now is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, MD. I'm determined to get to a place where I can truly feel worthy of love and belonging because I'm really starting to think that's my biggest obstacle in not being able to find a lasting relationship. In this book she talks about just being present and aware of your emotions and the effects on the body and use that as a key to get to a deeper connection with your self, and in turn, others.
I'm trying very hard in all this to be very present and accepting of my emotions and patient and loving with myself. It's all part of the grand greater plan of getting to a better place overall in my life. Some days are much harder than others. It's surprising to me how absolutely exhausting all this self-awareness can be! It's a constant mental focus, and sometimes I just have to put it aside and take refuge in my fortress of anger. But I was just reminded, as I took my comforter from the washer, how it all fades away. I'm cleaning my room as part of a mental exercise of cleansing my spirit, and washing away all the attachments to the painful patterns of yesterday. I cried a lot today. Everytime I started to do something productive I became overwhelmed with emotion, and felt a deep deep tired. So I stopped, looked within, breathed, and often cried.
It got to a point where I felt like the situation was robbing me of my precious time. So that's when I retreated to the anger. But as I put my freshly washed bedding into the dryer, feeling a little sense of relief, it reminded me that sometimes you just need to ride out the crazy waves of emotion. A big part of me overcoming my bouts of depression years ago was realizing one key thing. The worst part of depression for me is that during it, it feels like it will never end, the fear comes that the pain will last forever. But it never does. It always passes. I guess that's true with all emotions, and that's a big point Tara talks about in her book. It's the running from and fearing of emotions that makes them so much bigger than us. When we take them for what they are, we can surf through them, possibly bruised and bloody, but whole and safe on the shore in the end.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Self Trust
So Thursday was on okay day. My roommate was home which doesn't happen very often, and we were able to chat a little about what's going on. I've been so distraught over the state of my relationship lately that it's making me depressed and unable to be very useful in anything else. I'm often distracted and haven't had the will to really think about what the plan is for the farm this year. It's not the relationship per say, of course, although that has been the catalyst, but all of the self-analysis that's come with it.
Also that day I was reminded several times about how small my problems are when put in perspective. A co-worker of mine has a premie newborn who had to return to the hospital and life support after doing well for a time, another co-worker's grandmother just found out she has cancer, one of the bowler's friends just died this week in a car accident....the list can go on forever really. But all of that is the stuff of life, the ups and downs, the joys and tragedies.
I was talking to a friend while I was bartending that night, going on and on about my relationship, when lo and behold who should show up unexpectedly? You guessed it. I was totally taken for a loop. And my mind started racing....what did he hear??? Truly I didn't say anything I haven't already talked to him about, and it wasn't like I was being mean or anything, but it was just the point of the fact that I probably shouldn't have been going off about him to someone else...in public. My freshman roommate and I used to have a rule..if you were going to talk about anyone, you had to close the door! Wise words from college freshmen.
It's a problem I've dealt with before. I tend to talk a lot. To a lot of people. When I'm stressing about something I just tell the story to any friend that seems interested to get their opinion or input. I'm looking for validation a lot of the time, or for them to point out how I'm in the wrong. I was reading some articles online about self-trust and I realize that I probably need to stop trying to search outside myself for this approval if I'm ever going to learn to trust myself again. I mean, it's natural and human and truly okay, I believe, to go to friends when you're stuck or need advice. But I need to limit this to very close friends and only after I've decided what I honestly think and feel about a situation. I need to stand firm on my choices and beliefs, because that's who I am, and if I can't trust myself, I cannot trust anyone else.
Which brings me to the next point. The thing I was talking to my friend about when my guy showed up was trust. How I've always been pretty good at telling when people are lying. And it's true. I just get a feeling and it's usually right. So I was telling my friend how I didn't think my guy was lying to me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't being entirely open with me either. A few minutes later, as my guy walks around the corner and my mind starts doing cartwheels I was given another one of those intense life lessons, the crash course way.
To be fair, I was scattered. Between the anger and hurt I've been feeling, the anxiety and fear over not knowing what's going on, the panic that he might have overheard me, and the way I completely melt upon seeing him, I might have been a little off my game on the lie-detection. But what happened was this: He had some big to-do thing with work that a lot was riding on. When I had a minute to talk to him, I asked, expectantly, "so, it went well?" And he just shook his head and said "no." And here's the thing. I thought he was kidding. So I said so. But he insisted. And the more he said, the more I thought he was just teasin' and I was laughing and saying, "whatever, I can tell you're lying." And then after a few more rounds of this I started to doubt my read on it and realized he wasn't kidding. He was totally telling the truth. And oh gosh. It didn't go well. :( So add feeling like a heartless bitch to that mix of earlier emotions and I just went over to give him a hug, insides swirling.
We talked for a few minutes, but he had to go, and I was left with my confusion stew, trying to figure out what just happened. What happened was life just slapped me in the face. "Remember Sherry?" life shouted at me, "remember, that you don't know everything, and you can't assume you know something about a person no matter how much you may have learned about others? And remember if you don't trust the person you so-call *love* then you can't be very true in that love." Ouch. That slap hurt. Enter guilt.
I thought, hopefully, that maybe it was a good sign that he did stop by and maybe all is not lost. But by the end of the night and the brief text exchange I figured nothing really had changed. Maybe he did hear us talking and was angry because of it. Maybe a thousand other things. The main problem in this relationship is the lack of time. Without enough time there cannot be sufficient communication, and without communication, all relationships are "ultimately doomed." ...to quote another friend.
I haven't heard from him since then, and the brief text he sent, "Night," before he went to bed, and I guess I don't really expect to at this point. I guess it's over, and yes, I feel like there is so much unsaid and confusion, but what does it all really matter? It was just a lesson that life needed to teach me, right? So I'm studying for the exam now. I don't want to fail this course *again.* So I'm adding "learning to trust myself" to the list of things I'm working on...for it's own sake, and for the purpose of learning how to again trust other people. Sigh sigh. One day at a time.
Also that day I was reminded several times about how small my problems are when put in perspective. A co-worker of mine has a premie newborn who had to return to the hospital and life support after doing well for a time, another co-worker's grandmother just found out she has cancer, one of the bowler's friends just died this week in a car accident....the list can go on forever really. But all of that is the stuff of life, the ups and downs, the joys and tragedies.
I was talking to a friend while I was bartending that night, going on and on about my relationship, when lo and behold who should show up unexpectedly? You guessed it. I was totally taken for a loop. And my mind started racing....what did he hear??? Truly I didn't say anything I haven't already talked to him about, and it wasn't like I was being mean or anything, but it was just the point of the fact that I probably shouldn't have been going off about him to someone else...in public. My freshman roommate and I used to have a rule..if you were going to talk about anyone, you had to close the door! Wise words from college freshmen.
It's a problem I've dealt with before. I tend to talk a lot. To a lot of people. When I'm stressing about something I just tell the story to any friend that seems interested to get their opinion or input. I'm looking for validation a lot of the time, or for them to point out how I'm in the wrong. I was reading some articles online about self-trust and I realize that I probably need to stop trying to search outside myself for this approval if I'm ever going to learn to trust myself again. I mean, it's natural and human and truly okay, I believe, to go to friends when you're stuck or need advice. But I need to limit this to very close friends and only after I've decided what I honestly think and feel about a situation. I need to stand firm on my choices and beliefs, because that's who I am, and if I can't trust myself, I cannot trust anyone else.
Which brings me to the next point. The thing I was talking to my friend about when my guy showed up was trust. How I've always been pretty good at telling when people are lying. And it's true. I just get a feeling and it's usually right. So I was telling my friend how I didn't think my guy was lying to me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't being entirely open with me either. A few minutes later, as my guy walks around the corner and my mind starts doing cartwheels I was given another one of those intense life lessons, the crash course way.
To be fair, I was scattered. Between the anger and hurt I've been feeling, the anxiety and fear over not knowing what's going on, the panic that he might have overheard me, and the way I completely melt upon seeing him, I might have been a little off my game on the lie-detection. But what happened was this: He had some big to-do thing with work that a lot was riding on. When I had a minute to talk to him, I asked, expectantly, "so, it went well?" And he just shook his head and said "no." And here's the thing. I thought he was kidding. So I said so. But he insisted. And the more he said, the more I thought he was just teasin' and I was laughing and saying, "whatever, I can tell you're lying." And then after a few more rounds of this I started to doubt my read on it and realized he wasn't kidding. He was totally telling the truth. And oh gosh. It didn't go well. :( So add feeling like a heartless bitch to that mix of earlier emotions and I just went over to give him a hug, insides swirling.
We talked for a few minutes, but he had to go, and I was left with my confusion stew, trying to figure out what just happened. What happened was life just slapped me in the face. "Remember Sherry?" life shouted at me, "remember, that you don't know everything, and you can't assume you know something about a person no matter how much you may have learned about others? And remember if you don't trust the person you so-call *love* then you can't be very true in that love." Ouch. That slap hurt. Enter guilt.
I thought, hopefully, that maybe it was a good sign that he did stop by and maybe all is not lost. But by the end of the night and the brief text exchange I figured nothing really had changed. Maybe he did hear us talking and was angry because of it. Maybe a thousand other things. The main problem in this relationship is the lack of time. Without enough time there cannot be sufficient communication, and without communication, all relationships are "ultimately doomed." ...to quote another friend.
I haven't heard from him since then, and the brief text he sent, "Night," before he went to bed, and I guess I don't really expect to at this point. I guess it's over, and yes, I feel like there is so much unsaid and confusion, but what does it all really matter? It was just a lesson that life needed to teach me, right? So I'm studying for the exam now. I don't want to fail this course *again.* So I'm adding "learning to trust myself" to the list of things I'm working on...for it's own sake, and for the purpose of learning how to again trust other people. Sigh sigh. One day at a time.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Ask and you shall receive?
I woke up this morning with my kitty curled up in a ball, purring on my bed. My thoughts of course went to that sad place, as I know they will for a while yet, but I tried to change their direction. I pet the soft fur of the kitty and felt grateful. And that one bit of gratitude flooded in and reminded me of all the myriad of things I am grateful for. Almost automatically I began to count my blessings. It occurred to me, that perhaps this is a key element to this "fire of love" I'm trying to figure out. Gratitude obviously is a main source of kindling.
And then I remembered my mantra: "Creativity is essential, not inevitable." I remember what Terri says about using creativity to keep our hearts open. And the phrase crept in, "the fires of creation." Ahh....that makes sense. It was really more of a "doh!" because it seems kinda obvious. I'm just musing on all this for the moment...but I'm thinking Love isn't a fire at all. Love is something altogether different and bigger. But in order for the love to flow freely there needs to be the right kind of fire. A creative fire, fueled by gratitude and wonder and shimmering in rainbow colors, burning blues and greens and fluorescent pinks.
We'll see.
And then I remembered my mantra: "Creativity is essential, not inevitable." I remember what Terri says about using creativity to keep our hearts open. And the phrase crept in, "the fires of creation." Ahh....that makes sense. It was really more of a "doh!" because it seems kinda obvious. I'm just musing on all this for the moment...but I'm thinking Love isn't a fire at all. Love is something altogether different and bigger. But in order for the love to flow freely there needs to be the right kind of fire. A creative fire, fueled by gratitude and wonder and shimmering in rainbow colors, burning blues and greens and fluorescent pinks.
We'll see.
Plodding
I always want to choose love. But sometimes there is hurt. Why there is hurt is a topic for another day, but when a certain kind of hurt is there it becomes hard to love. Fear creeps in. No... fear crashes in, and sets up camp, and builds fires that burn cold cold flames. Clear icy flames with black streaks that block the sight of love. And I march myself into that fire over and over again and feel the pain because I think that's what I need to do to get back to the love. And it just keeps hurting. Sometimes, when you've been hurt and you feel so lonely, trying to be understanding and forgiving and loving just hurts so bad you want to cry. I think its the right thing to do so I keep trying. But sometimes I need to take a break, and anger is where I find relief. Anger takes all that pain and fear and rejection and throws it up into a pyre of its own creation. That fire feels warm and alive and safe. Somehow I remember though, that it's still not love, and I let that fire dwindle to mere embers.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Song for a Winter's Night
This winter almost passed without any snow in our little piece of the world. I took a trip up North to visit the family this weekend, and was welcomed on my return with 5 inches of snow and counting. It's a little stressful to drive in, but with the Thistle and Shamrock playing on my radio and the dark quiet of the night highlighting the beautiful snow covered trees, there was something wonderfully peaceful about it all.
And I needed the peace. It's always bittersweet going home. This trip was made doubly so with the discord I've been having in my recent romance. I've supposed life is giving me a crash course in all the many things I've failed to learn in the past 34 years. I'm trying so hard.
I've started therapy. I've gone once so far and found it a useful tool in assisting me in my own journey of self-analysis. I've realized some important things these past couple of weeks. There's still a long way to go I believe. Again, I'm trying.
I love my family. I didn't have the easiest childhood, but by far I did not have the hardest either. Looking back now I am forever thankful for 90% of the things that at the time I did not understand or even hated. And now I love these folks that raised me so much beyond what I can ever express. I am afraid to admit now, that part of the reason the visits are so bittersweet is that they always end too soon, and I realize that being with my family is one of the few times I truly feel love and belonging. I am so thankful for that. They are so amazingly loving and wonderful. But the fact that I lack this feeling in my regular life if very disturbing and scary. I'm not sure what to do about it. Not sure what it means.
At one point during this weekend I was driving to the store past the old house I grew up in. The house and whole block, really, looks completely different than when I lived there. But as I drove down the short little road to the main street in town I saw a little girl with long brown hair and a helmet on shakily riding her bike up the road. A few yards behind an older man walked slowly, following her. It was like a flashback. That's exactly where I learned to ride a bike oh so many years ago. As I drove by the house I saw that the girl had fallen when she turned into the driveway. The older man was breathing a little heavy, walking quickly to catch up to her. I waved to the man, and *almost* stopped. But I didn't, and the moment passed, but I lingered, driving slowly, just touched by the cyclical nature of life.
My grandfather and my mother helped me learn to ride a bike. My grandfather was in pretty good shape for most of his life and always stayed active, but he also smoked heavily since he was very young. I doubt he was ever out of breath teaching me back then, but now, at home, it's all the time. Emphysema, heart disease...we had such a horrible scare a year ago, and I am thankful for every moment I get to spend with him. And all of them. When I am home I cherish every moment. My grandmother, uncle, grandfather, these are the people that raised me. I am amazed and awed and humbled by all of it.
My aunt was recently diagnosed with cancer and has started chemotherapy. I stopped to see her on my way out of New York. Of my three aunts, she is the one I've seen the least. She's lived in Florida for many years and rarely gets back home. But she lives back in NY now, thankfully, and so does my cousin, so they get to be together during this difficult time. When I asked my aunt how she was doing, she said, "good, good..." and then told me about a friend of her husband's that went through what she is and has been helping her cope. He's taught her, "Cancer doesn't kill you, it teaches you to live." Can't say that I've ever heard wiser words from my aunt. Why is it so hard for us to remember gratitude and to let go of the things that don't work? Because fear, sorrow, anxiety...none of it serves us. We are here to live. And love love and more love.
And I needed the peace. It's always bittersweet going home. This trip was made doubly so with the discord I've been having in my recent romance. I've supposed life is giving me a crash course in all the many things I've failed to learn in the past 34 years. I'm trying so hard.
I've started therapy. I've gone once so far and found it a useful tool in assisting me in my own journey of self-analysis. I've realized some important things these past couple of weeks. There's still a long way to go I believe. Again, I'm trying.
I love my family. I didn't have the easiest childhood, but by far I did not have the hardest either. Looking back now I am forever thankful for 90% of the things that at the time I did not understand or even hated. And now I love these folks that raised me so much beyond what I can ever express. I am afraid to admit now, that part of the reason the visits are so bittersweet is that they always end too soon, and I realize that being with my family is one of the few times I truly feel love and belonging. I am so thankful for that. They are so amazingly loving and wonderful. But the fact that I lack this feeling in my regular life if very disturbing and scary. I'm not sure what to do about it. Not sure what it means.
At one point during this weekend I was driving to the store past the old house I grew up in. The house and whole block, really, looks completely different than when I lived there. But as I drove down the short little road to the main street in town I saw a little girl with long brown hair and a helmet on shakily riding her bike up the road. A few yards behind an older man walked slowly, following her. It was like a flashback. That's exactly where I learned to ride a bike oh so many years ago. As I drove by the house I saw that the girl had fallen when she turned into the driveway. The older man was breathing a little heavy, walking quickly to catch up to her. I waved to the man, and *almost* stopped. But I didn't, and the moment passed, but I lingered, driving slowly, just touched by the cyclical nature of life.
My grandfather and my mother helped me learn to ride a bike. My grandfather was in pretty good shape for most of his life and always stayed active, but he also smoked heavily since he was very young. I doubt he was ever out of breath teaching me back then, but now, at home, it's all the time. Emphysema, heart disease...we had such a horrible scare a year ago, and I am thankful for every moment I get to spend with him. And all of them. When I am home I cherish every moment. My grandmother, uncle, grandfather, these are the people that raised me. I am amazed and awed and humbled by all of it.
My aunt was recently diagnosed with cancer and has started chemotherapy. I stopped to see her on my way out of New York. Of my three aunts, she is the one I've seen the least. She's lived in Florida for many years and rarely gets back home. But she lives back in NY now, thankfully, and so does my cousin, so they get to be together during this difficult time. When I asked my aunt how she was doing, she said, "good, good..." and then told me about a friend of her husband's that went through what she is and has been helping her cope. He's taught her, "Cancer doesn't kill you, it teaches you to live." Can't say that I've ever heard wiser words from my aunt. Why is it so hard for us to remember gratitude and to let go of the things that don't work? Because fear, sorrow, anxiety...none of it serves us. We are here to live. And love love and more love.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Circles of Solitude
I am following Rilke this year. I find his writings to be very nourishing for my soul at this time. I crave his words now, and they seem to always offer some beauty for my soul to rest in for a while. Yesterday's post I will link here because I think it is a larger issue I have been touching on for some time now. The idea of solitude and the question as to its role in our lives. The Solitude We Are
One of the comments references John O'Donohue who wrote the book Anam Cara. This book has long been a sort of Bible for me. The wisdom found within its pages is so simple in its truth that it cannot be denied. I can read it a thousand times and still come back to it, open up a page randomly and find some meaning I never saw before. He talks a lot about solitude. I bought this book when it first came out in hardcover. I was living in Ireland at the time, studying abroad and doing a bit of soul searching (I suppose as I always am.) This book called to me. The paper book cover is all tattered now after being lent to friends and travelling with me these 14 years. But the questions and musings of my heart and soul that brought me to the book still remain. It seems I have been dealing with loneliness and solitude for most of my life.
I'd like to think I've learned a little bit, that I've retained some of what I've "learned." But life is like a spiral. We always revisit things. We go in cycles and patterns, and our greatest hope is that the next time a thing comes around again we are a little higher up in the swirl. Hopefully we've grown and can use that similar experience to gain a deeper insight and further grow. In this new, yet all-too-familiar stressful situation I find myself in, I feel like I am close to a breakthrough. I don't know why I feel like this. There's no indicator, I don't exactly feel hopeful. Hmm...I think the difference is actually boredom.
And I laugh out loud. :)
I am tired of this place, I've seen it before, and I'm afraid the past few times has not been any higher on the spiral. It's terrifying and uncomfortable and all those things, but it's kinda like a reoccurring nightmare. I've seen it all before, and after enough times you start to remember. You can see how it's all going to play out and you really don't want it to end the way it always does...
- and some errant tentacle of my psyche is yawning at the ridiculousness of it all.
And that small little difference, that drop of humor that has entered the mind changes the chemistry *just* enough to start the growth of something. Crystals of hope perhaps? Or perspective? Resolve? I don't know yet. I just know that something's gotta give this time, 'cuz I'm tired of spinning in circles.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Love vs. Crazies
So....I'm in a new relationship. And it's complicated. Seems in my life I am always drawn to near-impossible undertakings...but that's a whole other barrel of monkeys. It's been a long time since I've been in a "real" relationship. Read: two people who have genuine feelings for each other beyond lust and/or need. The issues that are coming up for me now, while blissfully quiet in my long bout of singledom, now compete for center stage. These two elements of my injured psyche are rearing their maniacal heads, circling one another, and in turns attacking my heart or each other, trying to prove which is the bigger issue. Trust and Unworthiness. Truly I think they're actually in cahoots, but we'll take it one battle at a time. "Trust" is a name like "Little John." Called by the exact opposite of what it is. The issue of "Trust" is in fact, the complete lack of it, otherwise known as one of the many guises of Fear.
Without going into too many details, it will suffice to say that the structure of this relationship to start with is not the best for people with my specific breed of issue. **See above regarding impossible undertakings. My logical brain loves to point out this obvious fact, but my soul in its infinite wisdom has brought an element to the table that just may balance out the whole mind/heart disparity. This crucial element is this: these issues are ones that I have been able to avoid until now. And yes, probably if I was in a "normal" relationship (wtf does that mean anyway???) I would be able to skate by the issues and go on, pretending they didn't *truly* need to be addressed. But here, and now, where I've followed my heart down this rabbit hole, all the demons have come out to play. I could turn and run screaming, and try to scramble back out of the hole...but I've seen them now, and there can be no more pretending. So I stay. And I face them. And maybe, just maybe, I'm ready now to fight.
Without going into too many details, it will suffice to say that the structure of this relationship to start with is not the best for people with my specific breed of issue. **See above regarding impossible undertakings. My logical brain loves to point out this obvious fact, but my soul in its infinite wisdom has brought an element to the table that just may balance out the whole mind/heart disparity. This crucial element is this: these issues are ones that I have been able to avoid until now. And yes, probably if I was in a "normal" relationship (wtf does that mean anyway???) I would be able to skate by the issues and go on, pretending they didn't *truly* need to be addressed. But here, and now, where I've followed my heart down this rabbit hole, all the demons have come out to play. I could turn and run screaming, and try to scramble back out of the hole...but I've seen them now, and there can be no more pretending. So I stay. And I face them. And maybe, just maybe, I'm ready now to fight.
This post was written 2/11/11....don't know why it never got published.
When is the moment when a wave has left the shore? How can you draw a line in the ever changing sands upon which the water crosses again and again? You can see them coming, you can feel them crashing upon you, and you watch them pull away.
When is the moment when a wave has left the shore? How can you draw a line in the ever changing sands upon which the water crosses again and again? You can see them coming, you can feel them crashing upon you, and you watch them pull away.
When the people very close to you pass on, I think part of you dies too. It's like the waves, each little molecule of water connected, pulling each other, seperate yet the same. That is the natural cycle, that is how we can learn not to fear death, as long as those we have loved strongly have passed before us, part of us is already on the other side.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Raising the cauldron to simmer
I have many resolutions for this year.....Of course, the year had a little bit of a rocky start for me, but that's what LUNAR NEW YEAR is for!!!! So I'm restarting the year on Monday. This will be the year of the Dragon, which is very exciting for me because I've always loved dragons. In trying to google some info on what the symbolism and influences will be for a Dragon year, I've found very conflicting vague information. Generally though, the Dragon is considered one of the luckiest signs in Chinese astrology...so I'm just going to go with that. :)
One of my main resolutions is to be more creative. I'm working on getting together with friends on this project to help stay motivated. One of my dearest friends, Carolyn and I are starting another blog as a format to share creative explorations. She's in France currently so the blog, I think, is the best way for us to do this. If you'd like to check it out, visit Smaerd Nacirema.
Also, I'm submerging myself, this year, in the writings of Rainer Maria Rilke. There's actually a book A Year With Rilke, which has one-a-day bits of his writings. I find him amazingly nourishing for my soul at this chapter of my life. In researching more of his work on the web, I found two other writers who actually followed this book in blog form last year. It was very well done, and although I'm a year behind, I'm going to follow it as I go along my journey. Check it out! A Year With Rilke
And I'll leave it at that for now. Have a wonderful day!
One of my main resolutions is to be more creative. I'm working on getting together with friends on this project to help stay motivated. One of my dearest friends, Carolyn and I are starting another blog as a format to share creative explorations. She's in France currently so the blog, I think, is the best way for us to do this. If you'd like to check it out, visit Smaerd Nacirema.
Also, I'm submerging myself, this year, in the writings of Rainer Maria Rilke. There's actually a book A Year With Rilke, which has one-a-day bits of his writings. I find him amazingly nourishing for my soul at this chapter of my life. In researching more of his work on the web, I found two other writers who actually followed this book in blog form last year. It was very well done, and although I'm a year behind, I'm going to follow it as I go along my journey. Check it out! A Year With Rilke
And I'll leave it at that for now. Have a wonderful day!
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Apparently it's like uber-important to create...
All manner of unsettled emotions rise up in me and throw their barbaric awpish manes of indignance back and forth and all around in wild beauty.
- And I feel the need to "facebook" this. Is facebook proof of our need to create? Or just our need to be noticed? And is there a big difference? Isn't attention-seeking just the infant phase of artistic maturity?
Would anyone feel an urge to express if there was no one to receive or understand? I believe so. If you cut down to the most basic primal existing, you cannot remove yourself or the divinity, within or without. So an observer will always be there. Is it only the most primal forms of expression that are important? -Or is it that that pure form of expression is the epitome, and all steps to it are necessary and therefore important? It seems we need to ask questions, to pontificate, on our own if necessary, because we seek answers. Although we may prefer to have other minds and input, it is our own truths that remain critical to our understanding and peace.
It remains, however, that our main goal in searching is to find a reflection of ourselves in others. We seek resonance, and the only way to find it is to resound ourselves through creation. Art is ESSENTIAL, but not inenvitable.**
**I'd like to give credit to two people that influenced the thoughts in this blog. And there's LOTS of other cool thoughts over at their sites too so....:
The Doghouse
Terri's bonesigh blog
- And I feel the need to "facebook" this. Is facebook proof of our need to create? Or just our need to be noticed? And is there a big difference? Isn't attention-seeking just the infant phase of artistic maturity?
Would anyone feel an urge to express if there was no one to receive or understand? I believe so. If you cut down to the most basic primal existing, you cannot remove yourself or the divinity, within or without. So an observer will always be there. Is it only the most primal forms of expression that are important? -Or is it that that pure form of expression is the epitome, and all steps to it are necessary and therefore important? It seems we need to ask questions, to pontificate, on our own if necessary, because we seek answers. Although we may prefer to have other minds and input, it is our own truths that remain critical to our understanding and peace.
It remains, however, that our main goal in searching is to find a reflection of ourselves in others. We seek resonance, and the only way to find it is to resound ourselves through creation. Art is ESSENTIAL, but not inenvitable.**
**I'd like to give credit to two people that influenced the thoughts in this blog. And there's LOTS of other cool thoughts over at their sites too so....:
The Doghouse
Terri's bonesigh blog
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Blue Square Tea Cup
So 2011 is supposed to be a really lucky year for us, being that 11 is our lucky number and all, and they'll be a big giant ELEVEN looming over everything all the time for the entire year....but the catch is that *technically* eleven isn't necessarily lucky. For me it's often times more like a "fate number." Which means that when I see 11's around a lot I feel like I'm on the right path, even if things don't seem to be going well. It's kind of like a reminder that everything's going according to plan. But anyway....I digress.
The year started while I was working my shift at the bar, feeling weaker by the hour as I felt a cold coming on. I have friends who were nice enough to come sit with me until my shift was over so we could go out and at least celebrate for some of the night. One of my friends even mopped the floor for me! Unfortunately, by the time I was done cleaning I was feeling very sick and our big new year's plans dissolved into chillin' at the IHOP. It wasn't so bad, really. The group I was with, for different reasons, all were a bit relieved with the decision. Anyhow...the next two days I was in bed with a fever over 100 degrees. Happy New Year!!
Now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm off to tackle my biggest resolution: GET ORGANIZED. Despite my roommate's eye-rolling and "oh I believe you, it's just that I'm having deja vu," comment, I have confidence that organization will be achieved this year. You see, I know this year will be different because I have found a tool that I can just see working. It's from the book Sidetracked Home Executives. It involves a 3x5 index card rotating system that I really think will work for me involving daily chores, weekly chores, monthly, etc.
This morning I woke up, still feeling a little sore-throatish and decided I'm not quite well enough for coffee, so....tea! I walked into the kitchen and glanced at the china cabinet where sat a blue square tea cup and saucer. My grandmother gave this to me years and years ago as my special tea cup. I loved it, but honestly never used it but for a couple of times in all these years. My grandmother always reminds me that you need to treat yourself and "do something for your soul." This morning I felt my soul needed a treat, so I took out my teacup from center stage on the first shelf of the cabinet and washed it. Realizing the dishes should probably be done if I'm ever going to take this "getting organized" thing seriously, I proceeded to wash the rest of the things in the sink. Meanwhile the water's heating, and I fill a teapot with Irish Breakfast Teabags, then finish the dishes while it brews.
I almost stopped, feeling tired again, but I washed up the last two things, then went for the tea. I reached into the dishdrain and pulled out the beautiful blue square tea cup, placing it beside me on the counter and turned to get the saucer. And then -
CRASH!
I didn't even look. I stood there, stunned. Seriously?? The counter must have just vanished beneath the teacup because I just put it down. But no, I must have knocked it off somehow or missed the counter or something, because instead of a beautiful blue square teacup I now had about 5 large chunks of ceramic on the kitchen floor. I was sooo upset. Usually I don't worry about things breaking. There's a Navajo saying a friend once told me, "don't cry for something that can't cry for you." And I take this to heart, a thing is just a thing, but this was different. The fact that I saved it, and never used it, and waited until I wanted to "do something nice for my soul" all these years for it to break now...before I even had any tea - UGGHH!!
I cried of course, and in my crying went to dark places. Thoughts of worthlessness and less than, and all things failure exploded in my brain. That with the constant voice of reason calmly insisting, "it's just a teacup." I looked to see if, by chance, I could find a replacement online, but to no avail. Obviously, it was sentimental. That's why I cried. Because to me it was my grandmother's very feeling that I was special that I broke into pieces. I discredited this thought as soon as it formed. My grandmother still thinks I'm special, she's still with me, the tea cup is not her, or her feelings, it's just a symbol. But discrediting thoughts doesn't work well when those thoughts are emotions. I felt like if she knew I broke the cup, part of her would feel like I wasn't as special as she thought, not as deserving of a unique teacup all my own. And again the voice of reason chiming in and recognizing these thoughts as false. False but true. The emotions were still there.
So I sat down to blog about a teacup. And in doing so I've started to feel better about the whole thing. In the middle of typing my grandmother called and I told her what happened. Contrary to my fears, she didn't think any less of me at all. She said, "oh yeah, I remember that teacup." I told her how I rarely use it, and then the one day I try to, I break it. I found myself tearing up again, trying to convey how utterly sorry I was. And she responded, "see, you have to use it or lose it!"
We laughed. And just like that all was well again. Maybe she's right. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I had gotten a lot of use out of it. If I had treated myself to special tea-times countless times before, it wouldn't have upset me so much. I kept laughing about the irony of the whole thing -use it or lose it. I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to lose it, but that didn't work so well. My grandmother is an amazing woman. I guess it's like the saying, "don't postpone Joy." We can't save up the magic moments or memories by not having them. I'll remember that this year, on my quest to live an organized life. I must remember not to postpone Joy, or treating my self when I need to, - or using the special all-for-me teacup.
The year started while I was working my shift at the bar, feeling weaker by the hour as I felt a cold coming on. I have friends who were nice enough to come sit with me until my shift was over so we could go out and at least celebrate for some of the night. One of my friends even mopped the floor for me! Unfortunately, by the time I was done cleaning I was feeling very sick and our big new year's plans dissolved into chillin' at the IHOP. It wasn't so bad, really. The group I was with, for different reasons, all were a bit relieved with the decision. Anyhow...the next two days I was in bed with a fever over 100 degrees. Happy New Year!!
Now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm off to tackle my biggest resolution: GET ORGANIZED. Despite my roommate's eye-rolling and "oh I believe you, it's just that I'm having deja vu," comment, I have confidence that organization will be achieved this year. You see, I know this year will be different because I have found a tool that I can just see working. It's from the book Sidetracked Home Executives. It involves a 3x5 index card rotating system that I really think will work for me involving daily chores, weekly chores, monthly, etc.
This morning I woke up, still feeling a little sore-throatish and decided I'm not quite well enough for coffee, so....tea! I walked into the kitchen and glanced at the china cabinet where sat a blue square tea cup and saucer. My grandmother gave this to me years and years ago as my special tea cup. I loved it, but honestly never used it but for a couple of times in all these years. My grandmother always reminds me that you need to treat yourself and "do something for your soul." This morning I felt my soul needed a treat, so I took out my teacup from center stage on the first shelf of the cabinet and washed it. Realizing the dishes should probably be done if I'm ever going to take this "getting organized" thing seriously, I proceeded to wash the rest of the things in the sink. Meanwhile the water's heating, and I fill a teapot with Irish Breakfast Teabags, then finish the dishes while it brews.
I almost stopped, feeling tired again, but I washed up the last two things, then went for the tea. I reached into the dishdrain and pulled out the beautiful blue square tea cup, placing it beside me on the counter and turned to get the saucer. And then -
CRASH!
I didn't even look. I stood there, stunned. Seriously?? The counter must have just vanished beneath the teacup because I just put it down. But no, I must have knocked it off somehow or missed the counter or something, because instead of a beautiful blue square teacup I now had about 5 large chunks of ceramic on the kitchen floor. I was sooo upset. Usually I don't worry about things breaking. There's a Navajo saying a friend once told me, "don't cry for something that can't cry for you." And I take this to heart, a thing is just a thing, but this was different. The fact that I saved it, and never used it, and waited until I wanted to "do something nice for my soul" all these years for it to break now...before I even had any tea - UGGHH!!
I cried of course, and in my crying went to dark places. Thoughts of worthlessness and less than, and all things failure exploded in my brain. That with the constant voice of reason calmly insisting, "it's just a teacup." I looked to see if, by chance, I could find a replacement online, but to no avail. Obviously, it was sentimental. That's why I cried. Because to me it was my grandmother's very feeling that I was special that I broke into pieces. I discredited this thought as soon as it formed. My grandmother still thinks I'm special, she's still with me, the tea cup is not her, or her feelings, it's just a symbol. But discrediting thoughts doesn't work well when those thoughts are emotions. I felt like if she knew I broke the cup, part of her would feel like I wasn't as special as she thought, not as deserving of a unique teacup all my own. And again the voice of reason chiming in and recognizing these thoughts as false. False but true. The emotions were still there.
So I sat down to blog about a teacup. And in doing so I've started to feel better about the whole thing. In the middle of typing my grandmother called and I told her what happened. Contrary to my fears, she didn't think any less of me at all. She said, "oh yeah, I remember that teacup." I told her how I rarely use it, and then the one day I try to, I break it. I found myself tearing up again, trying to convey how utterly sorry I was. And she responded, "see, you have to use it or lose it!"
We laughed. And just like that all was well again. Maybe she's right. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I had gotten a lot of use out of it. If I had treated myself to special tea-times countless times before, it wouldn't have upset me so much. I kept laughing about the irony of the whole thing -use it or lose it. I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to lose it, but that didn't work so well. My grandmother is an amazing woman. I guess it's like the saying, "don't postpone Joy." We can't save up the magic moments or memories by not having them. I'll remember that this year, on my quest to live an organized life. I must remember not to postpone Joy, or treating my self when I need to, - or using the special all-for-me teacup.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
There's something about Fall...
I walked out yesterday morning to start packing the car for market, and the Fall was there. I know it's not officially Fall yet, but it was visiting to prepare us for it's arrival. The air was cool, and misty, and the sun was rising into the sky, and I said, "oo," and breathed a very deep sigh...
There's something about the Fall. Maybe it's just memories, that harken my heart back to times of comfort and love: apple picking with friends, bonfires at the beach, huddling with hot cider and warm jackets at the soccer games in school...pumpkin picking and hay rides with my grandparents....ahh...Fall is a time of relief. Relief from the summer heat and the busy freedom of the summer. It's a settling time that returns us to the roots of who we are. I sigh again, and thank goodness for Fall. :)
It's also a lonely time for me because in all those memories there are friends and family and oftentimes a significant other. I miss having someone there in the morning, miss having someone to lean up against and cuddle with as the days get colder. Miss the certainty that comes with a return to school, and the excitement of all the new yet familiar things, and the coming of the holidays. Halloween is pagan new year. It is the end of the old year before the descent into darkeness and renewel which is the birth of the next. I haven't had a group or even a person to honor this time with in a long while. I do what I can on my own, but I get lazy when it's just for me, and I miss that too. Maybe I can make this year different...maybe that can be my recall to an old familiar feeling, yet renewed with the wisdom of loss and age. Maybe this loneliness, which I feel has taken root in my soul now and reached a deeper level than it has before, maybe it can reach deeper parts of myself now too, and nourish my soul from within.
A girl can hope.
A girl will always hope.
There's something about the Fall. Maybe it's just memories, that harken my heart back to times of comfort and love: apple picking with friends, bonfires at the beach, huddling with hot cider and warm jackets at the soccer games in school...pumpkin picking and hay rides with my grandparents....ahh...Fall is a time of relief. Relief from the summer heat and the busy freedom of the summer. It's a settling time that returns us to the roots of who we are. I sigh again, and thank goodness for Fall. :)
It's also a lonely time for me because in all those memories there are friends and family and oftentimes a significant other. I miss having someone there in the morning, miss having someone to lean up against and cuddle with as the days get colder. Miss the certainty that comes with a return to school, and the excitement of all the new yet familiar things, and the coming of the holidays. Halloween is pagan new year. It is the end of the old year before the descent into darkeness and renewel which is the birth of the next. I haven't had a group or even a person to honor this time with in a long while. I do what I can on my own, but I get lazy when it's just for me, and I miss that too. Maybe I can make this year different...maybe that can be my recall to an old familiar feeling, yet renewed with the wisdom of loss and age. Maybe this loneliness, which I feel has taken root in my soul now and reached a deeper level than it has before, maybe it can reach deeper parts of myself now too, and nourish my soul from within.
A girl can hope.
A girl will always hope.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
...as a flower or a stone...
The Solitary by Sara Teasdale
Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?
It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.
My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.
When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.
I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.
If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?
I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.
And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.
Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?
It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.
My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.
When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.
I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.
If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?
I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.
And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance
I'm stressed. This is nothing new. I seem *always* to be stressed. There are just too many things that I want to do, and I want to do them all. Now. I've gotten WAAYY better, believe me. Right now the house is still in disarray from post-party mess, and it just adds to the general mess that always seems to be present. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown, cuz there is NEVER enough time. Through it all though, I keep trying to remind myself to keep calm, keep my perspective, be thankful. I am soo blessed and so lucky and so loved. No, I still haven't found the "love of my life." I am still very lonely in that regard, but so are millions of people, so I try not to dwell. Even when my heart cries out, even when I have imaginary conversations teaching my unborn daughter about life and love. I acknowledge the pain and ask it to move on. I am doing my best. For maybe the first time in my life, I am doing my absolute best, giving everything I have to my life and my goals, and I have nothing more. It doesn't seem to be enough, which kinda sucks, but there is comfort in knowing I'm doing all I can.
Music is so important to me, and the irony is that it was never a part of my life growing up. Not in the sense that I was ever around musicians or anything. My family were always big dancers at weddings and stuff, but not a single person in my family plays an instrument...so where did this deeply seated need in my soul for music come from? I guess that's the answer right there, my soul. Even my friends, some of them played in band or sang in chorus, but none had this need for it like I did. It's frustrating to me because I can't seem to find a group to share that with. Unfortunately many of the people I have found that share the love for music also share a love of drugs and crazy party lifestyles.
So anyway..when I start to feel desperate I have found a new salvation...Pandora radio. Ha ha!! Now I sound like an adverstisement. But seriously...I have this station started with Loreena McKennit (the one who does Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance) and similar artists to her. In the midst of my breakdown just now, I put the station on, and that song was the first to come on. This has got to be one of my most favorite songs ever. It speaks directly to my soul. I hear it and it brings me home..if only in memory or imagination...I am brought back to the time my best friends and I danced on a summer night at the cliffs on the beach, with the song playing on our little radio, dancing and twirling under the starlight....and I am brought forward to a time that I fear will only ever be in my head, where I am dancing with friends again, feeling that same sense of belonging...
Anyhow...this song came on and I fell to my knees in tears...I fight my heart so often because what it wants must wait..always must wait. But I don't feel sorry for myself. I keep fighting, keep trying, keep working on this tough road that I hope will one day lead to a happy dream come true place. I can't feel sorry for myself because I know how lucky I am, and this is good. But in the back of my mind, in the deep dark depths of my heart I wonder...am I even on the right road? Will I forever live this confused struggle and never quite get it right? These thoughts are fleeting, because the struggle takes precendence soon again...but this question, this fear, this hope remains...and it haunts me.
Music is so important to me, and the irony is that it was never a part of my life growing up. Not in the sense that I was ever around musicians or anything. My family were always big dancers at weddings and stuff, but not a single person in my family plays an instrument...so where did this deeply seated need in my soul for music come from? I guess that's the answer right there, my soul. Even my friends, some of them played in band or sang in chorus, but none had this need for it like I did. It's frustrating to me because I can't seem to find a group to share that with. Unfortunately many of the people I have found that share the love for music also share a love of drugs and crazy party lifestyles.
So anyway..when I start to feel desperate I have found a new salvation...Pandora radio. Ha ha!! Now I sound like an adverstisement. But seriously...I have this station started with Loreena McKennit (the one who does Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance) and similar artists to her. In the midst of my breakdown just now, I put the station on, and that song was the first to come on. This has got to be one of my most favorite songs ever. It speaks directly to my soul. I hear it and it brings me home..if only in memory or imagination...I am brought back to the time my best friends and I danced on a summer night at the cliffs on the beach, with the song playing on our little radio, dancing and twirling under the starlight....and I am brought forward to a time that I fear will only ever be in my head, where I am dancing with friends again, feeling that same sense of belonging...
Anyhow...this song came on and I fell to my knees in tears...I fight my heart so often because what it wants must wait..always must wait. But I don't feel sorry for myself. I keep fighting, keep trying, keep working on this tough road that I hope will one day lead to a happy dream come true place. I can't feel sorry for myself because I know how lucky I am, and this is good. But in the back of my mind, in the deep dark depths of my heart I wonder...am I even on the right road? Will I forever live this confused struggle and never quite get it right? These thoughts are fleeting, because the struggle takes precendence soon again...but this question, this fear, this hope remains...and it haunts me.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Fire of Transformation
So...I've wanted to blog lately. I've wanted to blog on the pot luck herbs site so people have something interesting to read and come back and want to be a part of the farm and maybe buy some stuff and ultimately lead to the dream. BUT. I still have a lot of work to do, on me. A lot of times what I want to write about, what I need to write about, I don't neccesarily want to post on the farm's blog cuz it seems too dark, or too "emo" or whatever label. Too less-than-together. Truth is though, these thoughts and emotions are in me, and they need out. Or..I want them out. There's lots of awesome women whose blogs I've been reading and I'm going to link them all. I read them and I hurt because part of me undertands and wants to reach out and connect, and another part of me knows the reality: these women have lives of their own and don't need me coming to them for validation. I acknowledge the squonk* in the latter, but still. Anyhow..so I've decided to pick up, 4 years later, where this blog left off. Cuz I do need a place where I can just express. Write my message out and send it off in blog-bottle into the sea of cyberspace....and hope it finds a soul that can relate and hope it helps.
*a friend of mine use this creature as a euphomism when we're feeling sorry for ourselves or self-defeatest :)
*a friend of mine use this creature as a euphomism when we're feeling sorry for ourselves or self-defeatest :)
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