So Thursday was on okay day. My roommate was home which doesn't happen very often, and we were able to chat a little about what's going on. I've been so distraught over the state of my relationship lately that it's making me depressed and unable to be very useful in anything else. I'm often distracted and haven't had the will to really think about what the plan is for the farm this year. It's not the relationship per say, of course, although that has been the catalyst, but all of the self-analysis that's come with it.
Also that day I was reminded several times about how small my problems are when put in perspective. A co-worker of mine has a premie newborn who had to return to the hospital and life support after doing well for a time, another co-worker's grandmother just found out she has cancer, one of the bowler's friends just died this week in a car accident....the list can go on forever really. But all of that is the stuff of life, the ups and downs, the joys and tragedies.
I was talking to a friend while I was bartending that night, going on and on about my relationship, when lo and behold who should show up unexpectedly? You guessed it. I was totally taken for a loop. And my mind started racing....what did he hear??? Truly I didn't say anything I haven't already talked to him about, and it wasn't like I was being mean or anything, but it was just the point of the fact that I probably shouldn't have been going off about him to someone else...in public. My freshman roommate and I used to have a rule..if you were going to talk about anyone, you had to close the door! Wise words from college freshmen.
It's a problem I've dealt with before. I tend to talk a lot. To a lot of people. When I'm stressing about something I just tell the story to any friend that seems interested to get their opinion or input. I'm looking for validation a lot of the time, or for them to point out how I'm in the wrong. I was reading some articles online about self-trust and I realize that I probably need to stop trying to search outside myself for this approval if I'm ever going to learn to trust myself again. I mean, it's natural and human and truly okay, I believe, to go to friends when you're stuck or need advice. But I need to limit this to very close friends and only after I've decided what I honestly think and feel about a situation. I need to stand firm on my choices and beliefs, because that's who I am, and if I can't trust myself, I cannot trust anyone else.
Which brings me to the next point. The thing I was talking to my friend about when my guy showed up was trust. How I've always been pretty good at telling when people are lying. And it's true. I just get a feeling and it's usually right. So I was telling my friend how I didn't think my guy was lying to me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't being entirely open with me either. A few minutes later, as my guy walks around the corner and my mind starts doing cartwheels I was given another one of those intense life lessons, the crash course way.
To be fair, I was scattered. Between the anger and hurt I've been feeling, the anxiety and fear over not knowing what's going on, the panic that he might have overheard me, and the way I completely melt upon seeing him, I might have been a little off my game on the lie-detection. But what happened was this: He had some big to-do thing with work that a lot was riding on. When I had a minute to talk to him, I asked, expectantly, "so, it went well?" And he just shook his head and said "no." And here's the thing. I thought he was kidding. So I said so. But he insisted. And the more he said, the more I thought he was just teasin' and I was laughing and saying, "whatever, I can tell you're lying." And then after a few more rounds of this I started to doubt my read on it and realized he wasn't kidding. He was totally telling the truth. And oh gosh. It didn't go well. :( So add feeling like a heartless bitch to that mix of earlier emotions and I just went over to give him a hug, insides swirling.
We talked for a few minutes, but he had to go, and I was left with my confusion stew, trying to figure out what just happened. What happened was life just slapped me in the face. "Remember Sherry?" life shouted at me, "remember, that you don't know everything, and you can't assume you know something about a person no matter how much you may have learned about others? And remember if you don't trust the person you so-call *love* then you can't be very true in that love." Ouch. That slap hurt. Enter guilt.
I thought, hopefully, that maybe it was a good sign that he did stop by and maybe all is not lost. But by the end of the night and the brief text exchange I figured nothing really had changed. Maybe he did hear us talking and was angry because of it. Maybe a thousand other things. The main problem in this relationship is the lack of time. Without enough time there cannot be sufficient communication, and without communication, all relationships are "ultimately doomed." ...to quote another friend.
I haven't heard from him since then, and the brief text he sent, "Night," before he went to bed, and I guess I don't really expect to at this point. I guess it's over, and yes, I feel like there is so much unsaid and confusion, but what does it all really matter? It was just a lesson that life needed to teach me, right? So I'm studying for the exam now. I don't want to fail this course *again.* So I'm adding "learning to trust myself" to the list of things I'm working on...for it's own sake, and for the purpose of learning how to again trust other people. Sigh sigh. One day at a time.
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