Somebody that I used to know

This song is helping me at the moment....and what a cool video!!  Somebody that I used to know

But anyway.....breakups are hard.  Pretty sure that's not news. One of the books I'm reading right now is Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, MD.  I'm determined to get to a place where I can truly feel worthy of love and belonging because I'm really starting to think that's my biggest obstacle in not being able to find a lasting relationship.   In this book she talks about just being present and aware of your emotions and the effects on the body and use that as a key to get to a deeper connection with your self, and in turn, others. 

I'm trying very hard in all this to be very present and accepting of my emotions and patient and loving with myself.  It's all part of the grand greater plan of getting to a better place overall in my life.  Some days are much harder than others.  It's surprising to me how absolutely exhausting all this self-awareness can be!  It's a constant mental focus, and sometimes I just have to put it aside and take refuge in my fortress of anger.  But I was just reminded, as I took my comforter from the washer, how it all fades away.   I'm cleaning my room as part of a mental exercise of cleansing my spirit, and washing away all the attachments to the painful patterns of yesterday.  I cried a lot today.  Everytime I started to do something productive I became overwhelmed with emotion, and felt a deep deep tired.  So I stopped, looked within, breathed, and often cried. 

It got to a point where I felt like the situation was robbing me of my precious time. So that's when I retreated to the anger.  But as I put my freshly washed bedding into the dryer, feeling a little sense of relief, it reminded me that sometimes you just need to ride out the crazy waves of emotion.  A big part of me overcoming my bouts of depression years ago was realizing one key thing.  The worst part of depression for me is that during it, it feels like it will never end, the fear comes that the pain will last forever.  But it never does.  It always passes.  I guess that's true with all emotions, and that's a big point Tara talks about in her book.  It's the running from and fearing of emotions that makes them so much bigger than us.  When we take them for what they are, we can surf through them, possibly bruised and bloody, but whole and safe on the shore in the end.