So....I'm in a new relationship. And it's complicated. Seems in my life I am always drawn to near-impossible undertakings...but that's a whole other barrel of monkeys. It's been a long time since I've been in a "real" relationship. Read: two people who have genuine feelings for each other beyond lust and/or need. The issues that are coming up for me now, while blissfully quiet in my long bout of singledom, now compete for center stage. These two elements of my injured psyche are rearing their maniacal heads, circling one another, and in turns attacking my heart or each other, trying to prove which is the bigger issue. Trust and Unworthiness. Truly I think they're actually in cahoots, but we'll take it one battle at a time. "Trust" is a name like "Little John." Called by the exact opposite of what it is. The issue of "Trust" is in fact, the complete lack of it, otherwise known as one of the many guises of Fear.
Without going into too many details, it will suffice to say that the structure of this relationship to start with is not the best for people with my specific breed of issue. **See above regarding impossible undertakings. My logical brain loves to point out this obvious fact, but my soul in its infinite wisdom has brought an element to the table that just may balance out the whole mind/heart disparity. This crucial element is this: these issues are ones that I have been able to avoid until now. And yes, probably if I was in a "normal" relationship (wtf does that mean anyway???) I would be able to skate by the issues and go on, pretending they didn't *truly* need to be addressed. But here, and now, where I've followed my heart down this rabbit hole, all the demons have come out to play. I could turn and run screaming, and try to scramble back out of the hole...but I've seen them now, and there can be no more pretending. So I stay. And I face them. And maybe, just maybe, I'm ready now to fight.
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