...as a flower or a stone...

The Solitary by Sara Teasdale

Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?

It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.

I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.

If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?

I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.

And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.