All manner of unsettled emotions rise up in me and throw their barbaric awpish manes of indignance back and forth and all around in wild beauty.
- And I feel the need to "facebook" this. Is facebook proof of our need to create? Or just our need to be noticed? And is there a big difference? Isn't attention-seeking just the infant phase of artistic maturity?
Would anyone feel an urge to express if there was no one to receive or understand? I believe so. If you cut down to the most basic primal existing, you cannot remove yourself or the divinity, within or without. So an observer will always be there. Is it only the most primal forms of expression that are important? -Or is it that that pure form of expression is the epitome, and all steps to it are necessary and therefore important? It seems we need to ask questions, to pontificate, on our own if necessary, because we seek answers. Although we may prefer to have other minds and input, it is our own truths that remain critical to our understanding and peace.
It remains, however, that our main goal in searching is to find a reflection of ourselves in others. We seek resonance, and the only way to find it is to resound ourselves through creation. Art is ESSENTIAL, but not inenvitable.**
**I'd like to give credit to two people that influenced the thoughts in this blog. And there's LOTS of other cool thoughts over at their sites too so....:
The Doghouse
Terri's bonesigh blog
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Blue Square Tea Cup
So 2011 is supposed to be a really lucky year for us, being that 11 is our lucky number and all, and they'll be a big giant ELEVEN looming over everything all the time for the entire year....but the catch is that *technically* eleven isn't necessarily lucky. For me it's often times more like a "fate number." Which means that when I see 11's around a lot I feel like I'm on the right path, even if things don't seem to be going well. It's kind of like a reminder that everything's going according to plan. But anyway....I digress.
The year started while I was working my shift at the bar, feeling weaker by the hour as I felt a cold coming on. I have friends who were nice enough to come sit with me until my shift was over so we could go out and at least celebrate for some of the night. One of my friends even mopped the floor for me! Unfortunately, by the time I was done cleaning I was feeling very sick and our big new year's plans dissolved into chillin' at the IHOP. It wasn't so bad, really. The group I was with, for different reasons, all were a bit relieved with the decision. Anyhow...the next two days I was in bed with a fever over 100 degrees. Happy New Year!!
Now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm off to tackle my biggest resolution: GET ORGANIZED. Despite my roommate's eye-rolling and "oh I believe you, it's just that I'm having deja vu," comment, I have confidence that organization will be achieved this year. You see, I know this year will be different because I have found a tool that I can just see working. It's from the book Sidetracked Home Executives. It involves a 3x5 index card rotating system that I really think will work for me involving daily chores, weekly chores, monthly, etc.
This morning I woke up, still feeling a little sore-throatish and decided I'm not quite well enough for coffee, so....tea! I walked into the kitchen and glanced at the china cabinet where sat a blue square tea cup and saucer. My grandmother gave this to me years and years ago as my special tea cup. I loved it, but honestly never used it but for a couple of times in all these years. My grandmother always reminds me that you need to treat yourself and "do something for your soul." This morning I felt my soul needed a treat, so I took out my teacup from center stage on the first shelf of the cabinet and washed it. Realizing the dishes should probably be done if I'm ever going to take this "getting organized" thing seriously, I proceeded to wash the rest of the things in the sink. Meanwhile the water's heating, and I fill a teapot with Irish Breakfast Teabags, then finish the dishes while it brews.
I almost stopped, feeling tired again, but I washed up the last two things, then went for the tea. I reached into the dishdrain and pulled out the beautiful blue square tea cup, placing it beside me on the counter and turned to get the saucer. And then -
CRASH!
I didn't even look. I stood there, stunned. Seriously?? The counter must have just vanished beneath the teacup because I just put it down. But no, I must have knocked it off somehow or missed the counter or something, because instead of a beautiful blue square teacup I now had about 5 large chunks of ceramic on the kitchen floor. I was sooo upset. Usually I don't worry about things breaking. There's a Navajo saying a friend once told me, "don't cry for something that can't cry for you." And I take this to heart, a thing is just a thing, but this was different. The fact that I saved it, and never used it, and waited until I wanted to "do something nice for my soul" all these years for it to break now...before I even had any tea - UGGHH!!
I cried of course, and in my crying went to dark places. Thoughts of worthlessness and less than, and all things failure exploded in my brain. That with the constant voice of reason calmly insisting, "it's just a teacup." I looked to see if, by chance, I could find a replacement online, but to no avail. Obviously, it was sentimental. That's why I cried. Because to me it was my grandmother's very feeling that I was special that I broke into pieces. I discredited this thought as soon as it formed. My grandmother still thinks I'm special, she's still with me, the tea cup is not her, or her feelings, it's just a symbol. But discrediting thoughts doesn't work well when those thoughts are emotions. I felt like if she knew I broke the cup, part of her would feel like I wasn't as special as she thought, not as deserving of a unique teacup all my own. And again the voice of reason chiming in and recognizing these thoughts as false. False but true. The emotions were still there.
So I sat down to blog about a teacup. And in doing so I've started to feel better about the whole thing. In the middle of typing my grandmother called and I told her what happened. Contrary to my fears, she didn't think any less of me at all. She said, "oh yeah, I remember that teacup." I told her how I rarely use it, and then the one day I try to, I break it. I found myself tearing up again, trying to convey how utterly sorry I was. And she responded, "see, you have to use it or lose it!"
We laughed. And just like that all was well again. Maybe she's right. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I had gotten a lot of use out of it. If I had treated myself to special tea-times countless times before, it wouldn't have upset me so much. I kept laughing about the irony of the whole thing -use it or lose it. I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to lose it, but that didn't work so well. My grandmother is an amazing woman. I guess it's like the saying, "don't postpone Joy." We can't save up the magic moments or memories by not having them. I'll remember that this year, on my quest to live an organized life. I must remember not to postpone Joy, or treating my self when I need to, - or using the special all-for-me teacup.
The year started while I was working my shift at the bar, feeling weaker by the hour as I felt a cold coming on. I have friends who were nice enough to come sit with me until my shift was over so we could go out and at least celebrate for some of the night. One of my friends even mopped the floor for me! Unfortunately, by the time I was done cleaning I was feeling very sick and our big new year's plans dissolved into chillin' at the IHOP. It wasn't so bad, really. The group I was with, for different reasons, all were a bit relieved with the decision. Anyhow...the next two days I was in bed with a fever over 100 degrees. Happy New Year!!
Now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm off to tackle my biggest resolution: GET ORGANIZED. Despite my roommate's eye-rolling and "oh I believe you, it's just that I'm having deja vu," comment, I have confidence that organization will be achieved this year. You see, I know this year will be different because I have found a tool that I can just see working. It's from the book Sidetracked Home Executives. It involves a 3x5 index card rotating system that I really think will work for me involving daily chores, weekly chores, monthly, etc.
This morning I woke up, still feeling a little sore-throatish and decided I'm not quite well enough for coffee, so....tea! I walked into the kitchen and glanced at the china cabinet where sat a blue square tea cup and saucer. My grandmother gave this to me years and years ago as my special tea cup. I loved it, but honestly never used it but for a couple of times in all these years. My grandmother always reminds me that you need to treat yourself and "do something for your soul." This morning I felt my soul needed a treat, so I took out my teacup from center stage on the first shelf of the cabinet and washed it. Realizing the dishes should probably be done if I'm ever going to take this "getting organized" thing seriously, I proceeded to wash the rest of the things in the sink. Meanwhile the water's heating, and I fill a teapot with Irish Breakfast Teabags, then finish the dishes while it brews.
I almost stopped, feeling tired again, but I washed up the last two things, then went for the tea. I reached into the dishdrain and pulled out the beautiful blue square tea cup, placing it beside me on the counter and turned to get the saucer. And then -
CRASH!
I didn't even look. I stood there, stunned. Seriously?? The counter must have just vanished beneath the teacup because I just put it down. But no, I must have knocked it off somehow or missed the counter or something, because instead of a beautiful blue square teacup I now had about 5 large chunks of ceramic on the kitchen floor. I was sooo upset. Usually I don't worry about things breaking. There's a Navajo saying a friend once told me, "don't cry for something that can't cry for you." And I take this to heart, a thing is just a thing, but this was different. The fact that I saved it, and never used it, and waited until I wanted to "do something nice for my soul" all these years for it to break now...before I even had any tea - UGGHH!!
I cried of course, and in my crying went to dark places. Thoughts of worthlessness and less than, and all things failure exploded in my brain. That with the constant voice of reason calmly insisting, "it's just a teacup." I looked to see if, by chance, I could find a replacement online, but to no avail. Obviously, it was sentimental. That's why I cried. Because to me it was my grandmother's very feeling that I was special that I broke into pieces. I discredited this thought as soon as it formed. My grandmother still thinks I'm special, she's still with me, the tea cup is not her, or her feelings, it's just a symbol. But discrediting thoughts doesn't work well when those thoughts are emotions. I felt like if she knew I broke the cup, part of her would feel like I wasn't as special as she thought, not as deserving of a unique teacup all my own. And again the voice of reason chiming in and recognizing these thoughts as false. False but true. The emotions were still there.
So I sat down to blog about a teacup. And in doing so I've started to feel better about the whole thing. In the middle of typing my grandmother called and I told her what happened. Contrary to my fears, she didn't think any less of me at all. She said, "oh yeah, I remember that teacup." I told her how I rarely use it, and then the one day I try to, I break it. I found myself tearing up again, trying to convey how utterly sorry I was. And she responded, "see, you have to use it or lose it!"
We laughed. And just like that all was well again. Maybe she's right. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I had gotten a lot of use out of it. If I had treated myself to special tea-times countless times before, it wouldn't have upset me so much. I kept laughing about the irony of the whole thing -use it or lose it. I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to lose it, but that didn't work so well. My grandmother is an amazing woman. I guess it's like the saying, "don't postpone Joy." We can't save up the magic moments or memories by not having them. I'll remember that this year, on my quest to live an organized life. I must remember not to postpone Joy, or treating my self when I need to, - or using the special all-for-me teacup.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
There's something about Fall...
I walked out yesterday morning to start packing the car for market, and the Fall was there. I know it's not officially Fall yet, but it was visiting to prepare us for it's arrival. The air was cool, and misty, and the sun was rising into the sky, and I said, "oo," and breathed a very deep sigh...
There's something about the Fall. Maybe it's just memories, that harken my heart back to times of comfort and love: apple picking with friends, bonfires at the beach, huddling with hot cider and warm jackets at the soccer games in school...pumpkin picking and hay rides with my grandparents....ahh...Fall is a time of relief. Relief from the summer heat and the busy freedom of the summer. It's a settling time that returns us to the roots of who we are. I sigh again, and thank goodness for Fall. :)
It's also a lonely time for me because in all those memories there are friends and family and oftentimes a significant other. I miss having someone there in the morning, miss having someone to lean up against and cuddle with as the days get colder. Miss the certainty that comes with a return to school, and the excitement of all the new yet familiar things, and the coming of the holidays. Halloween is pagan new year. It is the end of the old year before the descent into darkeness and renewel which is the birth of the next. I haven't had a group or even a person to honor this time with in a long while. I do what I can on my own, but I get lazy when it's just for me, and I miss that too. Maybe I can make this year different...maybe that can be my recall to an old familiar feeling, yet renewed with the wisdom of loss and age. Maybe this loneliness, which I feel has taken root in my soul now and reached a deeper level than it has before, maybe it can reach deeper parts of myself now too, and nourish my soul from within.
A girl can hope.
A girl will always hope.
There's something about the Fall. Maybe it's just memories, that harken my heart back to times of comfort and love: apple picking with friends, bonfires at the beach, huddling with hot cider and warm jackets at the soccer games in school...pumpkin picking and hay rides with my grandparents....ahh...Fall is a time of relief. Relief from the summer heat and the busy freedom of the summer. It's a settling time that returns us to the roots of who we are. I sigh again, and thank goodness for Fall. :)
It's also a lonely time for me because in all those memories there are friends and family and oftentimes a significant other. I miss having someone there in the morning, miss having someone to lean up against and cuddle with as the days get colder. Miss the certainty that comes with a return to school, and the excitement of all the new yet familiar things, and the coming of the holidays. Halloween is pagan new year. It is the end of the old year before the descent into darkeness and renewel which is the birth of the next. I haven't had a group or even a person to honor this time with in a long while. I do what I can on my own, but I get lazy when it's just for me, and I miss that too. Maybe I can make this year different...maybe that can be my recall to an old familiar feeling, yet renewed with the wisdom of loss and age. Maybe this loneliness, which I feel has taken root in my soul now and reached a deeper level than it has before, maybe it can reach deeper parts of myself now too, and nourish my soul from within.
A girl can hope.
A girl will always hope.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
...as a flower or a stone...
The Solitary by Sara Teasdale
Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?
It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.
My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.
When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.
I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.
If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?
I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.
And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.
Let them think I love them more than I do,
Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?
It is one to me that they come or go
If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
And watch the stars swarm over the hill.
My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.
When I was young, I identified with the first part of this poem. I felt complete in myself, and felt no need for others. I loved my friends and family, but was also content in my solitude. Things changed. I remember a decisive moment, and think back...I often wonder if I cursed myself in this moment, doomed my existance forever after to be searching and yearning for love. I loved a boy who loved me, but in that love wanted me to need him, but I did not. I loved him so, though, that I hurt because he hurt, and prayed one night to love like he did, prayed to love him the way he wanted me to. And then I did. We ended up apart in the end anyway, but never again did I have the independence I did in my innocence. I wonder on that a lot. I think about Circe, or the woman from Bell, Book, and Candle...how they lost their powers when they fell in love.
I have been desperate to find love lately. Desperate to find my true love, to start a family. Maybe it's just biological.
If you could go back in time, to change things...would you?
I think most people do not want to go back to a time and place with their ignorance still in tact, to relive moments as they were. Usually we wish to relive only with what we have learned guiding our choices, expecting that we would choose better, and those choices, in turn, would bring us to a happier now. If only we could go back and teach our younger selves! Thus saving heartache and hardship. But we cannot. Perhaps that is one of our strongest motivators to reproduce, so we can teach another what we have learned. Maybe, if somehow we can learn from our future selves that need for children would be sated.
And then the other day I pined for that independence I knew...and wondered if I have created this "need" in me. Maybe it is only an illusion, maybe I am self-complete as a flower as a stone. If I start believing and living that way, maybe I can conquer the loneliness.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance
I'm stressed. This is nothing new. I seem *always* to be stressed. There are just too many things that I want to do, and I want to do them all. Now. I've gotten WAAYY better, believe me. Right now the house is still in disarray from post-party mess, and it just adds to the general mess that always seems to be present. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown, cuz there is NEVER enough time. Through it all though, I keep trying to remind myself to keep calm, keep my perspective, be thankful. I am soo blessed and so lucky and so loved. No, I still haven't found the "love of my life." I am still very lonely in that regard, but so are millions of people, so I try not to dwell. Even when my heart cries out, even when I have imaginary conversations teaching my unborn daughter about life and love. I acknowledge the pain and ask it to move on. I am doing my best. For maybe the first time in my life, I am doing my absolute best, giving everything I have to my life and my goals, and I have nothing more. It doesn't seem to be enough, which kinda sucks, but there is comfort in knowing I'm doing all I can.
Music is so important to me, and the irony is that it was never a part of my life growing up. Not in the sense that I was ever around musicians or anything. My family were always big dancers at weddings and stuff, but not a single person in my family plays an instrument...so where did this deeply seated need in my soul for music come from? I guess that's the answer right there, my soul. Even my friends, some of them played in band or sang in chorus, but none had this need for it like I did. It's frustrating to me because I can't seem to find a group to share that with. Unfortunately many of the people I have found that share the love for music also share a love of drugs and crazy party lifestyles.
So anyway..when I start to feel desperate I have found a new salvation...Pandora radio. Ha ha!! Now I sound like an adverstisement. But seriously...I have this station started with Loreena McKennit (the one who does Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance) and similar artists to her. In the midst of my breakdown just now, I put the station on, and that song was the first to come on. This has got to be one of my most favorite songs ever. It speaks directly to my soul. I hear it and it brings me home..if only in memory or imagination...I am brought back to the time my best friends and I danced on a summer night at the cliffs on the beach, with the song playing on our little radio, dancing and twirling under the starlight....and I am brought forward to a time that I fear will only ever be in my head, where I am dancing with friends again, feeling that same sense of belonging...
Anyhow...this song came on and I fell to my knees in tears...I fight my heart so often because what it wants must wait..always must wait. But I don't feel sorry for myself. I keep fighting, keep trying, keep working on this tough road that I hope will one day lead to a happy dream come true place. I can't feel sorry for myself because I know how lucky I am, and this is good. But in the back of my mind, in the deep dark depths of my heart I wonder...am I even on the right road? Will I forever live this confused struggle and never quite get it right? These thoughts are fleeting, because the struggle takes precendence soon again...but this question, this fear, this hope remains...and it haunts me.
Music is so important to me, and the irony is that it was never a part of my life growing up. Not in the sense that I was ever around musicians or anything. My family were always big dancers at weddings and stuff, but not a single person in my family plays an instrument...so where did this deeply seated need in my soul for music come from? I guess that's the answer right there, my soul. Even my friends, some of them played in band or sang in chorus, but none had this need for it like I did. It's frustrating to me because I can't seem to find a group to share that with. Unfortunately many of the people I have found that share the love for music also share a love of drugs and crazy party lifestyles.
So anyway..when I start to feel desperate I have found a new salvation...Pandora radio. Ha ha!! Now I sound like an adverstisement. But seriously...I have this station started with Loreena McKennit (the one who does Huron "Beltane" Fire Dance) and similar artists to her. In the midst of my breakdown just now, I put the station on, and that song was the first to come on. This has got to be one of my most favorite songs ever. It speaks directly to my soul. I hear it and it brings me home..if only in memory or imagination...I am brought back to the time my best friends and I danced on a summer night at the cliffs on the beach, with the song playing on our little radio, dancing and twirling under the starlight....and I am brought forward to a time that I fear will only ever be in my head, where I am dancing with friends again, feeling that same sense of belonging...
Anyhow...this song came on and I fell to my knees in tears...I fight my heart so often because what it wants must wait..always must wait. But I don't feel sorry for myself. I keep fighting, keep trying, keep working on this tough road that I hope will one day lead to a happy dream come true place. I can't feel sorry for myself because I know how lucky I am, and this is good. But in the back of my mind, in the deep dark depths of my heart I wonder...am I even on the right road? Will I forever live this confused struggle and never quite get it right? These thoughts are fleeting, because the struggle takes precendence soon again...but this question, this fear, this hope remains...and it haunts me.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Fire of Transformation
So...I've wanted to blog lately. I've wanted to blog on the pot luck herbs site so people have something interesting to read and come back and want to be a part of the farm and maybe buy some stuff and ultimately lead to the dream. BUT. I still have a lot of work to do, on me. A lot of times what I want to write about, what I need to write about, I don't neccesarily want to post on the farm's blog cuz it seems too dark, or too "emo" or whatever label. Too less-than-together. Truth is though, these thoughts and emotions are in me, and they need out. Or..I want them out. There's lots of awesome women whose blogs I've been reading and I'm going to link them all. I read them and I hurt because part of me undertands and wants to reach out and connect, and another part of me knows the reality: these women have lives of their own and don't need me coming to them for validation. I acknowledge the squonk* in the latter, but still. Anyhow..so I've decided to pick up, 4 years later, where this blog left off. Cuz I do need a place where I can just express. Write my message out and send it off in blog-bottle into the sea of cyberspace....and hope it finds a soul that can relate and hope it helps.
*a friend of mine use this creature as a euphomism when we're feeling sorry for ourselves or self-defeatest :)
*a friend of mine use this creature as a euphomism when we're feeling sorry for ourselves or self-defeatest :)
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Embrace the Chaos
I realized something the other day....
Embracing the Chaos is the same as facing your fears. The trick is to be stronger than the Chaos. It is eternal, it is inevitable, but if we are stronger, than we will not fear it, and so, will be able to embrace it when we must.
Embracing the Chaos is the same as facing your fears. The trick is to be stronger than the Chaos. It is eternal, it is inevitable, but if we are stronger, than we will not fear it, and so, will be able to embrace it when we must.
Monday, April 10, 2006
I’m angry at the wine for spilling on the kitchen counter. It is Syrah wine, the american version of an Austrailian Grape. I am not the american version of anything…I am not from Australia, nor am I a grape. So what right would I have to be angry at the wine for spilling? Perhaps I am fermented, or maybe it’s just jealousy, because instead of fermenting, I’ve just gone bad. “Off” as they say in the irish accents on that beautiful island. The wine spilled and it was supposed to calm my nerves, not fuel the fire already smoldering because of that boy. He did not return my call, and it’s the uncertainty of it all because I can’t even be sure he got the message. What right do I have to be angry at him? What right does the uncertainty have to anger me so?
"Don’t piss me off!" I shout at the wine, and the dog, my computer, the phone. Don’t piss me off, as if the object of our anger is every truly the thing responsible. My wine looks up at me, through the green spiral rimmed glass and says….simply, "don’t get angry….it’s not my fault, it’s yours…what right do you have to be angry at all?" And in response, I kiss my wine, and drink in it’s bittersweetness, dry humor and all. I love my wine, I love the boy, I love the dog, and it is myself that I am angry at, all of these times.
"Don’t piss me off!" I shout at the wine, and the dog, my computer, the phone. Don’t piss me off, as if the object of our anger is every truly the thing responsible. My wine looks up at me, through the green spiral rimmed glass and says….simply, "don’t get angry….it’s not my fault, it’s yours…what right do you have to be angry at all?" And in response, I kiss my wine, and drink in it’s bittersweetness, dry humor and all. I love my wine, I love the boy, I love the dog, and it is myself that I am angry at, all of these times.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
...
To truly start over, you have to be willing to let go of the past.
To me, that means admitting failure. Admitting I failed at so many things, everything, really, that I wanted to do with my life. But I have realized that until I admit that failure, I will continue to be a failure. I have had countless false starts, time and again, and for whatever reason, so many excuses, I never stuck with these ventures, not enough to make a difference. And so now I am overwhelmed on a daily basis by all of the loose ends, flailing in my face, reminding me of my broken promises to myself.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To admit that I'm not as good as I thought I was. Not as strong, not as creative, not as determined, not as passionate.
But when I get through this, when I go through every last scrap of failed ambition and broken dreams and burn them all, then I can truly be free.
Free to start over, and this time, achieve my dreams.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
stupidity
There are moments in my life when I just stop thinking. These are dangerous moments when I inevitably do something stupid. Usally it's not a very big deal, just something to laugh about, like putting milk in the cupboard or something like that. But sometimes it's a bigger deal involving emotions and other people, and that's when it becomes a problem.
Why do I stop thinking sometimes? Usually I think too much, and that's not healthy either. And I thought there was something to "don't think, just do" and seizing the day and all that, living in the moment. There are times when that's okay, I've had good results sometimes from living in the moment. But those times there were no doubts, no underlying awareness that my actions would lead to regret. The other times there were, but for some reason I just didn't care, or didn't want to care, didn't want to listen to the voice of reason.
Maybe it's just who I am.
Or maybe I think these things shouldn't be a big deal and so I act in spite of the chaos it will cause.
Why do I stop thinking sometimes? Usually I think too much, and that's not healthy either. And I thought there was something to "don't think, just do" and seizing the day and all that, living in the moment. There are times when that's okay, I've had good results sometimes from living in the moment. But those times there were no doubts, no underlying awareness that my actions would lead to regret. The other times there were, but for some reason I just didn't care, or didn't want to care, didn't want to listen to the voice of reason.
Maybe it's just who I am.
Or maybe I think these things shouldn't be a big deal and so I act in spite of the chaos it will cause.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
chasing demons
I think I have a pattern of chaotic behavior. I seem to seek out new and exciting things in an effort to make my life interesting because I don't have faith in my own ability to accomplish anything and become an interesting person.
As long as there is something new in my life I can pretend that my life is interesting, pretend that I'm busy, pretend that I'm doing something productive.
My demons are slippery little suckers.
As long as there is something new in my life I can pretend that my life is interesting, pretend that I'm busy, pretend that I'm doing something productive.
My demons are slippery little suckers.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Circles
Over and over and over and over my life plays out a story. The story ends with my heart breaking. Do I do it to myself? Am I supposed to learn something from all this? Or am I just meant to be alone. An old friend once said to me, "maybe you're just destined for greatness." The irony of that sentiment made me laugh, made me remember it all this time and makes me wonder if it may be true. Maybe there IS no one in this wide wide world who I could be with, happily, for the rest of my life. Maybe the only way I will ever become anything is to accept that and stop falling in love.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
returning
In the quiet darkness
I do not cry
But wish I would
Release
The words just don’t flow
Now, they sputter
Like there’s air in the engine
The gas line, the gutter.
I wonder if you could ever know me?
I wonder if I really care.
I wonder if it even matters
Cuz I know you will never reach me
The one deep inside
And it’s not that you couldn’t
It’s just that you wouldn’t
That’s just not your thing
I feel like a lowly parrot
Taking sounds I hear
And throwing them back out
Into the world
And it may seem I know what I’m saying
cuz I’ve got the timing down real well
but truly I’m making it up
and I have no ideas
tonight I don’t want to talk to you
because ‘talk’ is not what we do
but really I’m just dying
for you to want to talk to me
My skin’s on fire
Cuz I refuse to accept
The shitty hand I was given
And I will not cash in
If you were here tonight
Maybe we’d play some cards
And that would make me happy
Somehow.
18 months is as long as I’ve ever lasted
and we’re getting there fast
cuz time flies
when you feel like you’re dying
And it may seem I know what I’m saying
cuz I’ve got the timing down real well
but truly I’m making it up
and I have no ideas
My soul is cold
But you used to keep me warm
And the fire outside
Just makes it colder within
And really, tonight
I can’t stand the stupid games
I want you to want more
I want to be an inspiration
Time and time again
I hurt
For all that was
And all that never could be
And all that should be
And all that never will
I want you to inspire me.
Please, put down your guilt
And come together with me
We could inspire each other, I think
If only we tried, if only we cried
And finally let go
I do not cry
But wish I would
Release
The words just don’t flow
Now, they sputter
Like there’s air in the engine
The gas line, the gutter.
I wonder if you could ever know me?
I wonder if I really care.
I wonder if it even matters
Cuz I know you will never reach me
The one deep inside
And it’s not that you couldn’t
It’s just that you wouldn’t
That’s just not your thing
I feel like a lowly parrot
Taking sounds I hear
And throwing them back out
Into the world
And it may seem I know what I’m saying
cuz I’ve got the timing down real well
but truly I’m making it up
and I have no ideas
tonight I don’t want to talk to you
because ‘talk’ is not what we do
but really I’m just dying
for you to want to talk to me
My skin’s on fire
Cuz I refuse to accept
The shitty hand I was given
And I will not cash in
If you were here tonight
Maybe we’d play some cards
And that would make me happy
Somehow.
18 months is as long as I’ve ever lasted
and we’re getting there fast
cuz time flies
when you feel like you’re dying
And it may seem I know what I’m saying
cuz I’ve got the timing down real well
but truly I’m making it up
and I have no ideas
My soul is cold
But you used to keep me warm
And the fire outside
Just makes it colder within
And really, tonight
I can’t stand the stupid games
I want you to want more
I want to be an inspiration
Time and time again
I hurt
For all that was
And all that never could be
And all that should be
And all that never will
I want you to inspire me.
Please, put down your guilt
And come together with me
We could inspire each other, I think
If only we tried, if only we cried
And finally let go
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Behind the Bar
It's late, I'm tired. I've worked 13 1/2 hours today, on only about 4 hours of sleep. Doubles are tough. I like working at the bar. People are interesting, it keeps me active. Tomorrow is Lughnasadh. I move into a new apartment. I will have internet again!!!!! There is much to do. I will be able to update more once I am online.
Happy 1st harvest everyone!
Happy 1st harvest everyone!
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Guilt
I realized something about Guilt last night...although it is something that has been brewing for a while and only just finished up. I realize Guilt is a large part of my depression and it is something I must renounce forever. I'm not in the mood to go into full details about everything right now, but I will one day. I quit one of my jobs today because the scheduling started to conflict too much and I do feel guilty about it. Guilt is a terrible habit and it is useless.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
the powers that be
For some reason my internet stopped working...the funny thing is that my roommates wasn't working for the past week, then she sat down at my computer to check email and mine stopped working. The funniest part is that hers was working again after that. Apparently our computers are at war over the internet connection, or as she says it is a message from above that I've been spending too much time online...so...I guess I'll be off for a while until I am deemed worthy again.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Struggle
Yesterday I worked for the first time on my own at the Holiday Inn Bar. One of the other woman stayed after her serving shift to help me clean up and do the paperwork, which was nice since I had only done it twice before, and never by myself. While I was there I met some great people. Travelling people, people with interesting stories and personality. I talked with them, shared my dream and I generally felt good at the end of the night.
During the day I bought St. John's Wort at the health food store because I was feeling so incredibly depressed that I seriously think I need to go to a psychiatrist, but I can't afford that.
Last night was the Full Moon. She was beautiful.
I've lost my joy somewhere and I need to find it.
Dejamour by Jonathan Meader
During the day I bought St. John's Wort at the health food store because I was feeling so incredibly depressed that I seriously think I need to go to a psychiatrist, but I can't afford that.
Last night was the Full Moon. She was beautiful.
I've lost my joy somewhere and I need to find it.
Dejamour by Jonathan Meader
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Anyone got a map???
I love maps. They're just so useful. Even when you want to just drive and see where the road takes you, you need to have a map at some point to find the way home.
The thing about life is that everyone's landscape is unique and you kind of have to make up the map as you go along. But if you're stuck in the "you are here" and want to get to the "there" it is always a challenge whose champion isn't always the most skilled. You need luck, and damn good timing too.
I started one of my jobs today, and it was okay, it's serving tables, and that's that. I like that we have outdoor seating so I get a good deal of fresh air and sunshine, but I'm not sure how the money will be. For now it will have to do...we'll see how job #2 goes tomorrow. But getting a job is another step on the road to dreamland. It occured to me before writing this post that I haven't really said what my "dream" is. I guess I have a million dreams really from getting in shape to living in an ecologically sustainable world. I have dreams of travel and learning languages, of artistic creation and creating a family. But the dream I focus on here is one that will hopefully lead to and surround all the others.
This is a dream I share with my best friend. Our dream is to have an Herb Farm. At least 10 acres of land on which we have a house. We will also have a shop and one day a cafe. We will grow herbs and have relaxing, interesting herb gardens to walk through or sit in. There will be herbal crafts for sale and classes to learn from. There will be fresh herbal teas and food in the cafe and poetry readings at night. We will live where we work and love where we live. Waking up to the beautiful land, with rolling hills and trees and a little stream. We will work with nature, in the fresh air, in the rain, and we will live with the seasons.
Our next goal is buying the house and land, which is why we must serve tables and such for now. If anyone knows an inexpensive lot as described above, please contact me!!
The thing about life is that everyone's landscape is unique and you kind of have to make up the map as you go along. But if you're stuck in the "you are here" and want to get to the "there" it is always a challenge whose champion isn't always the most skilled. You need luck, and damn good timing too.
I started one of my jobs today, and it was okay, it's serving tables, and that's that. I like that we have outdoor seating so I get a good deal of fresh air and sunshine, but I'm not sure how the money will be. For now it will have to do...we'll see how job #2 goes tomorrow. But getting a job is another step on the road to dreamland. It occured to me before writing this post that I haven't really said what my "dream" is. I guess I have a million dreams really from getting in shape to living in an ecologically sustainable world. I have dreams of travel and learning languages, of artistic creation and creating a family. But the dream I focus on here is one that will hopefully lead to and surround all the others.
This is a dream I share with my best friend. Our dream is to have an Herb Farm. At least 10 acres of land on which we have a house. We will also have a shop and one day a cafe. We will grow herbs and have relaxing, interesting herb gardens to walk through or sit in. There will be herbal crafts for sale and classes to learn from. There will be fresh herbal teas and food in the cafe and poetry readings at night. We will live where we work and love where we live. Waking up to the beautiful land, with rolling hills and trees and a little stream. We will work with nature, in the fresh air, in the rain, and we will live with the seasons.
Our next goal is buying the house and land, which is why we must serve tables and such for now. If anyone knows an inexpensive lot as described above, please contact me!!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Doggy Park of Destiny
I didn't write yesterday cuz we drove out to Richmond to see my a friend of my roommate's play in his band called UMelt. It was a lot of fun. Earlier in the day she had taken her dog to the doggy park and met some interesting fellows. She called me from there saying "I got you a job!...if you want it." Apparently a fellow Long Islander like ourselves recently moved to Charlottesville and now works at the Holiday Inn where he needs servers and bartenders to work for him. He owns a black poodle and so is a regular patron of the above mentioned doggy park. I went and met with him later and I will start work this weekend. WAHOO! Job=money which is good. 
She also met another guy at the doggy park who is a vegetarian (like me) and hikes a lot. We got some info on local hiking and must soon begin our regular treks into the wilderness of Virginia.
Of course...when it rains it p0urs...as it was doing yesterday, the whole thing, lightning, thunder, trees falling down...good times. But on the way to Richmond the OTHER job I applied for called me and I'm also starting there this weekend....
I'm a little daunted by the idea of training for two jobs at once and juggling schedules and all, but I think it will work out.
Today it is gray out, but not storming yet. I wish it would cuz I think that would make me feel better. As it is I have no motivation to do any of the many things I need to. But I will try.
She also met another guy at the doggy park who is a vegetarian (like me) and hikes a lot. We got some info on local hiking and must soon begin our regular treks into the wilderness of Virginia.
Of course...when it rains it p0urs...as it was doing yesterday, the whole thing, lightning, thunder, trees falling down...good times. But on the way to Richmond the OTHER job I applied for called me and I'm also starting there this weekend....
I'm a little daunted by the idea of training for two jobs at once and juggling schedules and all, but I think it will work out.
Today it is gray out, but not storming yet. I wish it would cuz I think that would make me feel better. As it is I have no motivation to do any of the many things I need to. But I will try.
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