I'm love and I'm always yours

So it's been a while, and a million and one things have changed...as they do, but...

It's been a roller coaster, things with C.   It got really really bad, pretty close to done, and then we went to Ireland together.  I finally got to see him after 4 very long months.  And it was wonderful, and at times...less than great, but truly, always wonderful.  Because how could we not be in wonder?  There, in that beautiful land that was for him all new, and for me some new, some bittersweetly reminiscent, with rainbows all around, truly how could we not be in awesome wonder?  We were there, exploring and learning and loving, together.  And we were oh so happy being together.

That was our fantasy escape.  A place detached from the rest of our reality, where we could just be happy.  Now we're back to the other reality, which in truth, with him still being in Afghanistan, is not a regular reality either...it's the other extreme.  Instead of being together 24/7, with no stress, and surrounded by beauty, we are apart 24/7, with him under immense stress, surrounded by war.  And I'm here, trying to live my "normal" reality and mantain a relationship that has no definition. 

I thought we were doing well.  Despite everything, I really thought things were going well.  Then some stuff came up, and we didn't really have the time or means to truly deal with it, discuss it, and resolve it. Then some more stuff came up, we both got sick, and now I just don't even know. 

We had a conversation tonight on skype.  It was way late on his end, and he is way overtired and stressed.  But the issues aren't going anywhere, so we tried to fix things.  We talked, for hours, and we both visited angry, confused, hurt, and frustrated several times.  We had to end the conversation when exhaustion overtook him.  Of course, then I also felt guilty.  (Always a pleasant flavor to add to the stew.)

And it's so frustrating now when I think about it...why is it so difficult??!?!  We love each other, very much.  Why isn't it just easy after that?   And I laugh, cuz that's just not the way.    I keep going back to the thoughts about control.  Am I trying to control things again?  Is that where my anxiety lies?  Is it truly fear of betrayal or abandonment that makes me nervous, or is it just that I have no control? 

I was reading some of Terri's old blogs and remembered the time she talked about trying to force our ideas of how things should be onto life.  (It doesn't work, in case you were wondering.)  Yet we still try.  We trick ourselves so that we don't realize that's what we're doing...but it always comes 'round and bites us in the end.  I am replaying the conversation I had with C tonight over and over again in my head...rereading the chat messages, trying to make sense of it all.  It doesn't make sense, the whole thing baffles me completely.  I caught myself saying "this isn't how it's supposed to be" somewhere deep in the caverns of my brain.  Where exactly did I get the notion that I have any say in how it's supposed to be? 

I think what happens is that we practice flowing, and accepting, and learning and growing, and sometimes we hit that groove...and things flow so smooth in the groove that we think we're in control....and then we forget how to flow all over again.

So that's where I'm at now.  I'm trying to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and ask the questions again and see where I'm headed and why.   And truthfully, at the moment all I can see is a big mess.  Ah well, we keep gettin' the lesson 'til we learn it, right?

Found this Rumi tonight:

and just the moment
when you are all confused
leaps forth a voice
hold me close
i'm love and
i'm always yours

 I need to ponder this for a while.