The Rage Within

A month ago I requested today off so I could go to an Irish Music Session.  I have always wanted to do this.  I have always wanted to be able to sit in with the other Irish musicians and play tunes and share in the awesome Irish sound that I love.

Years ago I took lessons and learned a bunch of tunes.  I wasn't great, but I thought I was almost decent enough to start going to these sessions.  At the time they were held weekly in town.  But just as I was starting to feel ready, they stopped doing the sessions.   This is a recurring theme in my life, whenever I think I'm *almost* there....the road changes.  But that's another topic altogether.

So I told myself I'd try my best to remember all those tunes I used to know, and get some new ones under my belt so I could sit in with the peeps and play with them.  I had a month to do this...and I did try...but somewhere between the piles of manure, ridiculous allergies, depression, giving up coffee...somewhere in all that I ran out of time.  So here I am, the house is a mess, but I'm not dong a thing about it, and I am playing my flute trying to relearn all these tunes.

And it's hard, no doubt, cramming always is.  But what's hardest is this utter disgust and anger at myself that rises up in me.  When I'm messing up the notes on a tune I knew by heart years ago I am filled with such rage at myself.  Why couldn't I just practice enough to keep them to memory?   Why do I waste so much time when there are real, good things that I want to learn and do?   And the feelings of unworthiness are so strong, and there is so much anger.  Why can't I just focus and get stuff done? 

I had to write this, but now I am going back, and I'm going to learn a few more tunes, hopefully remember more than I thought I would.  I am going to the session and I'm going to disclaim myself and my poor abilities to the fellow players before I join in.  And I'm sure they will be gracious and accepting and forgiving, and I will do my best and it will be fine.  But I've seen the face of this creature.  This dark and vicious creature.  I know its venom.  Can I use it though?  Can I transform it from a worth-gobbling monster into a fiery phoenix of dedication?   That would be nice.  We shall see...