To spawn or not to spawn

I always wanted to have children.   But I always felt very strongly about waiting until I was in a good place to do this.  i.e. Stable job, preferrably married, settled, etc.... At the very least I wanted to find a good father to have a child with.  Trouble is, that never happened.  I've come close, but no cigar.  And here I am now, approaching an age where it will no longer be truly safe to have children and I am struggling with this.

A couple of years ago I tried to let it go, the idea of "happily ever after." Well, truthfully I understand there is no such thing as that simply because nothing is "ever after."  Life is full of change and unexpected happenings.  But I'm okay with this.  What I tried to let go of was the hope of finding a man to start a family with.  I thought I had made my peace with it.  Acknowledging it wasn't my druthers, but that I could accept and be happy without it.  But it always sneaks back in.  I see my many friends with children and I delight in that....but I am jealous.   I've considered doing the single mom thing., and honest-to-goodness, if I was wealthy, I'd go get pregnant tomorrow.  But I don't want to bring a child into the world if I won't be able to be there for it.  If I have to spend all my time working to support myself and my child, I'd have to leave my child in others' care and that kinda defeats the whole purpose.  I guess that was part of the hope with the herb farm, that we would be able to work from home so it would make a family easier, but the farm hasn't worked either.

And the older I get, the harder it becomes.  I don't want to be irresponsible by bringing a child into the world when it is often a scary, sad place, and not being able to provide for it.  Besides that, I also know my grandparents and uncle may need my time and energy more as they get older and it is very important to me that I can be there for them.  But lately I find myself secretly hoping that I will *accidently* get pregnant.  That somehow, fate, God, the Universe, the Goddess....whoever...will step in and despite my measures to be responsible will tweak things *just* a little....and I will find myself blessed with a child.  Because then I can feel confident in knowing it was the right thing.  Because it will feel "meant to be."  But having these odd thoughts is making me really look at myself and ask, "okay, would it really mean that much to you to be a mother?"  and if so...."should I reconsider my *responsible" choices?"

I'm truly torn.  At this point I don't think I will change anything....but I am truly torn and I am beginning to see that.  I realize I need to go deeper and follow these thoughts to their roots and make my decisions from there...but I'm afraid even at my depths there will be no concrete answer.  I'm afraid even at my depths the grounds will be shifting and torn.