Relapse

I haven't written in a while...which is probably the cause of the state of mind I was in when I chose the title of today's entry....

When I went to my therapist last, about 2 weeks ago, I was doing very well.  He asked why, and I told him I thought it was a result of the self-worth work and Radical Acceptance, and that I had been blogging more...being actively creative more.

This weekend some things have confronted me and I realize that unfortunately, the work must continue.  It's not like after 34 years of getting into habits and eating ideas that lessen my sense of worth I can just flip a switch and again be "golden."   As I drove home last night, I remembered that I started this journey of self-discovery this year with the idea and strong feeling that there was something simple, a switch, a KEY.  I said that to a few people..."I feel like there's something I'm just not getting, and if I can just figure out the KEY, I'll be good." 

The Radical Acceptance work I've done helped immensely.  And for a minute I thought that was they key I had been looking for, getting back to a place where I felt my worth and honoring myself.  Problem with that is that apparently old habits die hard, and really when you're talking about self-growth, it's a never-ending process.

Last night I found myself in a slightly awkward situation, and there I was again, feeling the shame and worthlessness bubble up from my depths, questioning my place in the world.  I realized that these past couple of weeks I haven't been doing too much observing of my emotions.  That 24-7 vigil of my psyche that filled the past few months brought me to a much better place, but then I stopped doing it.  Old habits die hard.

As Terri reminded me recently, sometimes it's our preconceived notions of how things should be that are hurting us.  We try to make things fit into the picture we think it should be....but life's not a puzzle you have the picture for before you put the pieces together.  Life's a puzzle you put together, piece by piece, until the picture is revealed.  But not only that, I think, it also seems that half of the pieces you have to make yourself.

So the idea occurred to me that maybe instead of fighting what is in my situation...I could just accept it.  It's a tricky thing though, because it's hard to see that line that once crossed means that I'm settling, and from there it's a short hop to no longer valuing and honoring myself.  But it does all come back to that, doesn't it?  If I am in a place where my sense of self and worthiness are strong enough, accepting uncomfortable situations won't threaten me.   I need to have complete faith in my awareness so that I know I will not let that line be crossed.  I guess that's going to take a lot of practice, though, to get there.  

I'm not there yet.  I know this, however...  This morning I woke up thinking more about it all and realized truly from an outsider's perspective the whole thing was pretty funny.  No one was in danger, no one was being attacked, it was just ego and notions of who I am that were being threatened.  Now, don't get me wrong, our sense of who we are is no small thing, but it is a fluid thing (or can be if we trust our souls enough.)  I thought about totally flipping around my comfort zone.  What if I *did* just accept the situation...embrace it in all it's ridiculous, awkward, non-socially normal existence.  When I allowed myself to see the humor of it, it was empowering.  From that amused state I could actually consider accepting it all.  But that meant giving up this proud persona I generally tend to identify with.  That means opening myself up and stepping out of my protective shell of notions into a completely vulnerable state of uncovered flaws...
   --- Eeeewww...who want's that?!?  

Well... me, perhaps.  Someone who wants to be authentic.  Someone who believes in Truth.  Someone who wants to be real.   Someone who wants to not be afraid of real. Yup, sounds like stuff I could get on board with.   But oh the strength of spirit that will take....the guts...the courage...  Terri's most powerful bonesigh for herself is this:

                 'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'

This morning on her page I noticed the quote of the day....this may be the most powerful bonesigh for me right now...

                'the key was in her daring.'

Maybe it's not like a switch, but maybe it is a "key."  I think the catch is, though, that there are ever more and more doors to unlock.  But if we are daring enough, we can open them, and they will bring us to more and more wonderful places. 

We shall see.