I've decided that instead of searching for the perfect man, I'm going to search for the perfect scotch.
You don't acquire a taste for whiskey until the burn in your throat pales in comparison to the burn of your life.
Friday, June 03, 2016
Saturday, June 06, 2015
Unknown
It was the strangest relationship I've ever experienced. In some ways, the best; in some ways...less than that.
I suppose the depth of the strange is revealed in the aftermath.
Never have I felt such a compatibility with someone, in so many (not all!) ways, and yet...
when it ended, he was perfectly fine never seeing me again.
I don't understand this, and it hurts my heart so. I love him, having loved him, in a true, real way. And so, I miss him because there was something there I never found with another. But he has moved on.
I suppose the depth of the strange is revealed in the aftermath.
Never have I felt such a compatibility with someone, in so many (not all!) ways, and yet...
when it ended, he was perfectly fine never seeing me again.
I don't understand this, and it hurts my heart so. I love him, having loved him, in a true, real way. And so, I miss him because there was something there I never found with another. But he has moved on.
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Tears that tear down the walls.
Nowadays, social media is peppered with catchy-phrased posts that manipulate us into wanting to click and read, watch, comment, etc. I roll my eyes at the pre-fab wording formulas designed to push our buttons or pluck our heart strings. All in an effort to get us to "click". Yet all the while my gut is turning at the baseness of it all, I am still a victim to those ploys. Unfortunately it is so prevalent that I've formed a habitual "automatic reject" habit to any post that seems the least bit intriguing. My initial response has been programed to distrust, doubt, ignore. I don't even consider clicking on something until second, or even third glance.
Because of this I often find myself somewhat interested in a post, but taking a significant amount of time (like 120 whole seconds) debating whether the living time I hand over to the almighty "click" will be worth it. Will this post really increase the good in my life, or will it (like countless others) just fade into the lost time collection of meaningless, gratifying-for-only-a-miniscule-instant moments, or even worse but just as fleeting and forgettable ungratifying moments?
When I do finally decide to click on a say, a video like this one I watched the other day, I often find myself in tears at the end. The first 25 seconds of this particular video I was still rolling my eyes and regretting my choice, but then I was sucked in. When it ended, and I sat there in tears feeling soft and mushy inside something occurred to me.
In Karla McLaren's book, The Language of Emotions, she explains that sadness' purpose it to help us let go. Since reading her book and feeling very strongly about the Truth in it, I have been trying to apply her knowledge and ask myself the questions every time an emotion arises. The questions for sadness are: What must be released? and What must be rejuvenated?
So I sat there, crying, feeling warm and mushy, and wondering...what must be let go? Why do videos like this touch me so deeply and make me cry? Where is all this powerful emotion stored in my normal everyday life? And here's where it occurred to me - what I need to let go of...is the WALLS; and what needs to be rejuvenated is my faith in the goodness and strength of myself and humanity.
There is so much bad thrown at us all the time. We wake up and immediately are bombarded, from our own self doubts and the arguments or stress at home, to driving, to work, to facebook and the news. Our psyches are building walls every waking moment in the ancient, primal fight-or-flight response that has kept our species alive through the millennia. Only, it's starting to backfire.
This is a time when connection is becoming more difficult. Social media allows superficial connection, but the real, raw, powerful and life-changing vulnerability connections are being lost behind all of our walls. I know I can truly only speak for myself, but I would dare say I am not alone in being drawn to those posts that will make me cry. Show me some love, show me some connection, show me some vulnerability! For I am desperate. I want to see the raw, real, heart-open bravery of a human in all their glory. I think also that I am not alone in feeling some ironic sense of relief when I cry at the end of a video that touches me. Those tears are a signal that I need to let go of the walls, I need to restore my faith. Because it's not that my inner strength and sense of compassion is lacking, it's just that they have been attacked and ignored too often and too deeply, and as I realize now --- way. too. freaking. long.
Of course we shouldn't trust everyone and always, but oh what a wonderful, energizing relief it would be to trust myself so deeply that I wouldn't feel need such thick, hard walls throughout all of my moments. This is my new goal. Tear down the walls, tears, tear down the walls.
Read on Steemit.com
Because of this I often find myself somewhat interested in a post, but taking a significant amount of time (like 120 whole seconds) debating whether the living time I hand over to the almighty "click" will be worth it. Will this post really increase the good in my life, or will it (like countless others) just fade into the lost time collection of meaningless, gratifying-for-only-a-miniscule-instant moments, or even worse but just as fleeting and forgettable ungratifying moments?
When I do finally decide to click on a say, a video like this one I watched the other day, I often find myself in tears at the end. The first 25 seconds of this particular video I was still rolling my eyes and regretting my choice, but then I was sucked in. When it ended, and I sat there in tears feeling soft and mushy inside something occurred to me.
In Karla McLaren's book, The Language of Emotions, she explains that sadness' purpose it to help us let go. Since reading her book and feeling very strongly about the Truth in it, I have been trying to apply her knowledge and ask myself the questions every time an emotion arises. The questions for sadness are: What must be released? and What must be rejuvenated?
So I sat there, crying, feeling warm and mushy, and wondering...what must be let go? Why do videos like this touch me so deeply and make me cry? Where is all this powerful emotion stored in my normal everyday life? And here's where it occurred to me - what I need to let go of...is the WALLS; and what needs to be rejuvenated is my faith in the goodness and strength of myself and humanity.
There is so much bad thrown at us all the time. We wake up and immediately are bombarded, from our own self doubts and the arguments or stress at home, to driving, to work, to facebook and the news. Our psyches are building walls every waking moment in the ancient, primal fight-or-flight response that has kept our species alive through the millennia. Only, it's starting to backfire.
This is a time when connection is becoming more difficult. Social media allows superficial connection, but the real, raw, powerful and life-changing vulnerability connections are being lost behind all of our walls. I know I can truly only speak for myself, but I would dare say I am not alone in being drawn to those posts that will make me cry. Show me some love, show me some connection, show me some vulnerability! For I am desperate. I want to see the raw, real, heart-open bravery of a human in all their glory. I think also that I am not alone in feeling some ironic sense of relief when I cry at the end of a video that touches me. Those tears are a signal that I need to let go of the walls, I need to restore my faith. Because it's not that my inner strength and sense of compassion is lacking, it's just that they have been attacked and ignored too often and too deeply, and as I realize now --- way. too. freaking. long.
Of course we shouldn't trust everyone and always, but oh what a wonderful, energizing relief it would be to trust myself so deeply that I wouldn't feel need such thick, hard walls throughout all of my moments. This is my new goal. Tear down the walls, tears, tear down the walls.
Read on Steemit.com
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Woodpecker
There's a whole lot of people accomplishing a whole lot of good lately. I want to join them, I want to make a difference, do something good and right, and increase the light in the world...but I don't know how. I realize since my last blogpost my life has spun off the rails. It was a cascading avalanche of a year and a few months, and I'm here now, wondering if I should bother to pick up any of the pieces.
A Cherokee Dream Healer once told a story that I was lucky enough to be present to listen to. I don't remember it well enough, but I remember its essence, I believe. He spoke of a man chasing something his entire life. It was always just out of reach. He went here and there, and spent days and years, *almost* catching and defeating this creature. At the very end, defeated, he turned around and realized, the thing he sought was himself. I feel like that now.
If you've ever played with magnets and tried to press two same-poled ends together, you know the feeling I feel. It's like the very thing I am doing to try and reach a goal, is the very thing that is keeping that goal out of reach. But how to stop, how to see, how to turn around? I don't know.
A Cherokee Dream Healer once told a story that I was lucky enough to be present to listen to. I don't remember it well enough, but I remember its essence, I believe. He spoke of a man chasing something his entire life. It was always just out of reach. He went here and there, and spent days and years, *almost* catching and defeating this creature. At the very end, defeated, he turned around and realized, the thing he sought was himself. I feel like that now.
If you've ever played with magnets and tried to press two same-poled ends together, you know the feeling I feel. It's like the very thing I am doing to try and reach a goal, is the very thing that is keeping that goal out of reach. But how to stop, how to see, how to turn around? I don't know.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Salsa
So I've been meaning to write about Salsa dancing for a while now...so here it is:
In town they have Sunday Salsa lessons. An hour of lesson and then dancing till you drop for everyone. The lessons are always for beginners, but they're slightly different each week so you still feel like you're learning. Sometimes if enough people have been a few times, they teach slighly more advanced stuff.
I wanted to write about it after the first time I went. I've wanted to go to these lessons for years. Since I first heard about the Sunday Salsa I've been trying to find people to go with. Finally, this year, my wish was granted. A friend heard about it and decided to go, so I went too. I was happily surprised to see that the number of guys and girls was even. It's been that way, every time, almost exactly even. So after the instructor goes over the basic steps with the entire group, when he breaks us up into "leaders" and "followers" it's actually pretty much guys and girls.
The neat thing about Salsa is that it's a social dance. People are there to dance, and with different people. It's not a dance that you do expecting to only dance with the person you came with the entire time. So often, as part of the lesson, we form a circle and after a few minutes of dancing, the ladies switch off to the next guy. The first time we did this I was so delightfully tickled. Every single person dances differently. That's also another great thing about salsa: it has steps and rhythm, but you're supposed to give the dance your own flavor. You stylize it to reflect your personality. And although when you're learning, you generally can't spare any focus to think of this, it always comes through subconsciously. I notice this as I go around the circle.
There are shy guys, strict guys, funny guys, restless guys, serious guys, the list goes on. Everyone does the moves slightly differently and it's so fascinating to me. It's also just plain awesome because I have so much admiration for all these people at the class. Especially the shy guys. Because a million kudos to them for having the guts to show up (often by themselves) and learn something new and scary.
I never fail to get a kick out of it. Just the sheer human-ness of it. Everyone's skill level is different, everyone dresses a little differently, everyone's style is different! I absolutely LOVE it.
There's the young new med student who is so exuberant and confident even though he's new.
There's the older Indian guy who seems a little quiet, but picking up the dance really well.
There's the tall thin guy who I'm pretty sure *thinks* he's above the average skill level, (and probably is) but hardly ever dances with people.
There's the new guy who seems so awkward and uncoordinated and is so focused that he barely smiles or even looks at his partner...
And I love them all!!
The list goes on and on.
And of course all of the women have their own personalities and everything too, I just don't dance with them so I don't notice it as much.
Salsa is called such because as our teacher says, "it's a mix of flavors," and it is SO true. But so is life, so are we. All human, all basic needs and desires the same, but oh, how amazingly different the flavors! The quirks, the traits, the personalities. All different, all delightful. Delicious!
In town they have Sunday Salsa lessons. An hour of lesson and then dancing till you drop for everyone. The lessons are always for beginners, but they're slightly different each week so you still feel like you're learning. Sometimes if enough people have been a few times, they teach slighly more advanced stuff.
I wanted to write about it after the first time I went. I've wanted to go to these lessons for years. Since I first heard about the Sunday Salsa I've been trying to find people to go with. Finally, this year, my wish was granted. A friend heard about it and decided to go, so I went too. I was happily surprised to see that the number of guys and girls was even. It's been that way, every time, almost exactly even. So after the instructor goes over the basic steps with the entire group, when he breaks us up into "leaders" and "followers" it's actually pretty much guys and girls.
The neat thing about Salsa is that it's a social dance. People are there to dance, and with different people. It's not a dance that you do expecting to only dance with the person you came with the entire time. So often, as part of the lesson, we form a circle and after a few minutes of dancing, the ladies switch off to the next guy. The first time we did this I was so delightfully tickled. Every single person dances differently. That's also another great thing about salsa: it has steps and rhythm, but you're supposed to give the dance your own flavor. You stylize it to reflect your personality. And although when you're learning, you generally can't spare any focus to think of this, it always comes through subconsciously. I notice this as I go around the circle.
There are shy guys, strict guys, funny guys, restless guys, serious guys, the list goes on. Everyone does the moves slightly differently and it's so fascinating to me. It's also just plain awesome because I have so much admiration for all these people at the class. Especially the shy guys. Because a million kudos to them for having the guts to show up (often by themselves) and learn something new and scary.
I never fail to get a kick out of it. Just the sheer human-ness of it. Everyone's skill level is different, everyone dresses a little differently, everyone's style is different! I absolutely LOVE it.
There's the young new med student who is so exuberant and confident even though he's new.
There's the older Indian guy who seems a little quiet, but picking up the dance really well.
There's the tall thin guy who I'm pretty sure *thinks* he's above the average skill level, (and probably is) but hardly ever dances with people.
There's the new guy who seems so awkward and uncoordinated and is so focused that he barely smiles or even looks at his partner...
And I love them all!!
The list goes on and on.
And of course all of the women have their own personalities and everything too, I just don't dance with them so I don't notice it as much.
Salsa is called such because as our teacher says, "it's a mix of flavors," and it is SO true. But so is life, so are we. All human, all basic needs and desires the same, but oh, how amazingly different the flavors! The quirks, the traits, the personalities. All different, all delightful. Delicious!
Friday, February 01, 2013
Stripping away
So I've started a strange journey I believe. After the breakup it was very hard for me not to be self-destructive by looking at my ex's facebook page. So I deactivated my account. I'll go back on eventually, I just need some distance from the whole thing.
I've also finally met up with this herbalist who I heard good things about years ago and have been meaning to see. I've had a lot of health issues my whole life and am always trying to improve things with natural medicine. I've tried many things. The best success I did have was with herbs and acupuncture a long time ago. So I decided to try the herb route again.
The herbalist decided to focus on "clearing heat in the upper burner" (it's a chinese medicine thing.) So now I have a nasty tasting herb powder formula to take 3 times a day, and a *very* restrictive diet. I'm already a vegetarian, but I've gotten quite used to and loving of that. *This* diet however is very different. I'll list what I can eat, cuz that list is shorter:
Veggies (except potatoes, corn, eggplant & peppers)
Brown Rice
Quinoa
Non citrus fruits
Water
Herbal Tea
Tofu and Tempeh
Some salt, garlic or ginger
Non spicy herbs
Beans & legumes
olive oil, canola oil, sesame oil
Nuts (except peanuts and pistachios)
Soy
Amaranth, Buckwheat (these are kinda irrelevent because they're hard to find and use)
So yeah...I think that's about it.
I think soy yogurt would be ok, but I'm not sure, because I stopped asking for clarifications after I realized the list got smaller every time I did!
So here's the thing. I'm not trying to whine about this. I just wanted to explain for the curious, but here's the thing:
I'm eliminating a lot of distractions from my life. Facebook was a big one, and food! I love food! I love french fries and beer and coffee and eggs and peppers and onions and spicy food and black bean burritoes from taco bell and all sorts of food really! I've realized that eating food is one of the things I've really looked forward to. And now...eating is not so exciting. I eat now because I'm hungry and I have to. I"m more concerned about making sure my body is getting enough nutrition then whether or not the food tastes good, or is what I'm in the mood for. Usually in the past if I was depressed or stressed, I'd grab a snack, or make some comfort food. If I'm tired in the morning, I know a cup of coffee will get me going, or at least make me happier.
Now all of those things are gone. It's just me. Me and me. And thoughts, and the quiet. When I'm up and about, I'm ok, I do my thing, I'm adjusting to the diet. But when I'm alone, when I don't have to go to work, it's really hard to get out of bed. I know I'm depressed, but it's a different kind of depression. Maybe it's just a deeper layer. Maybe since I have no more distractions I am forced to BE with my feelings, 100%.
I've noticed this change and I know it's only beginning. This effect, probably more than any health stuff may keep me going on this diet. In my free time I am forced to be alone for the most part. My friend's birthday is tonight, so I'm going off a little for that, and my paternal grandparents are visiting next Tuesday, so I'll bend a little for that, but otherwise I'm not going out cuz I can't drink or eat really. I'm hoping I'll start practicing flute again and working on my goals, but I'm being so permissive with myself right now. It's like I'm on a pilgrimmage. Only instead of travelling anywhere in the world, I'm travelling within.
I'm really not sure how long I'll be able to keep this up, but I hope some good will come of it.
I've also finally met up with this herbalist who I heard good things about years ago and have been meaning to see. I've had a lot of health issues my whole life and am always trying to improve things with natural medicine. I've tried many things. The best success I did have was with herbs and acupuncture a long time ago. So I decided to try the herb route again.
The herbalist decided to focus on "clearing heat in the upper burner" (it's a chinese medicine thing.) So now I have a nasty tasting herb powder formula to take 3 times a day, and a *very* restrictive diet. I'm already a vegetarian, but I've gotten quite used to and loving of that. *This* diet however is very different. I'll list what I can eat, cuz that list is shorter:
Veggies (except potatoes, corn, eggplant & peppers)
Brown Rice
Quinoa
Non citrus fruits
Water
Herbal Tea
Tofu and Tempeh
Some salt, garlic or ginger
Non spicy herbs
Beans & legumes
olive oil, canola oil, sesame oil
Nuts (except peanuts and pistachios)
Soy
Amaranth, Buckwheat (these are kinda irrelevent because they're hard to find and use)
So yeah...I think that's about it.
I think soy yogurt would be ok, but I'm not sure, because I stopped asking for clarifications after I realized the list got smaller every time I did!
So here's the thing. I'm not trying to whine about this. I just wanted to explain for the curious, but here's the thing:
I'm eliminating a lot of distractions from my life. Facebook was a big one, and food! I love food! I love french fries and beer and coffee and eggs and peppers and onions and spicy food and black bean burritoes from taco bell and all sorts of food really! I've realized that eating food is one of the things I've really looked forward to. And now...eating is not so exciting. I eat now because I'm hungry and I have to. I"m more concerned about making sure my body is getting enough nutrition then whether or not the food tastes good, or is what I'm in the mood for. Usually in the past if I was depressed or stressed, I'd grab a snack, or make some comfort food. If I'm tired in the morning, I know a cup of coffee will get me going, or at least make me happier.
Now all of those things are gone. It's just me. Me and me. And thoughts, and the quiet. When I'm up and about, I'm ok, I do my thing, I'm adjusting to the diet. But when I'm alone, when I don't have to go to work, it's really hard to get out of bed. I know I'm depressed, but it's a different kind of depression. Maybe it's just a deeper layer. Maybe since I have no more distractions I am forced to BE with my feelings, 100%.
I've noticed this change and I know it's only beginning. This effect, probably more than any health stuff may keep me going on this diet. In my free time I am forced to be alone for the most part. My friend's birthday is tonight, so I'm going off a little for that, and my paternal grandparents are visiting next Tuesday, so I'll bend a little for that, but otherwise I'm not going out cuz I can't drink or eat really. I'm hoping I'll start practicing flute again and working on my goals, but I'm being so permissive with myself right now. It's like I'm on a pilgrimmage. Only instead of travelling anywhere in the world, I'm travelling within.
I'm really not sure how long I'll be able to keep this up, but I hope some good will come of it.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Here we go over the rainbow
If everything happens for a reason (not that I'm entirely sure that it does) then there must be a reason my relationships never last long. There must be a reason that I can't seem to find someone to share my life with. I'm very much trying to learn to be happy now, be content with life in this moment, always. But I'm lonely. I'm too often lonely for my tastes. I love alone time...but lately it's just gotten so lonely.
Listening to this song just now, Home, I was again reminded of how wonderful it can feel to have a partner in life. My mind wandered...and I thought of a few things. Of all the loves I've known, obviously none fit that "perfect-for-me" category. None lasted long enough or was so wonderful that I haven't been able to get over it with time. So most likely this relationship will be the same. In time, I'll get over it. (Hear the tone of slightly bitter resignment) It's going to be hard...it's always hard. Some have been more difficult than others, but it's never an easy thing. And yet none of these relationships ever spanned more than a short period of time. But what if I did find that perfect person? What if I found my "soul mate" and we spent decades of wonderful amazing happy growing loving learning time together ... and then I lost him?
I truly can't even imagine what that would be like.
And when I imagine that pain, and put it in perspective of this pain...this pain kinda pales in comparison. This pain falls right off the "pain" scale into the realm of slight discomfort or frustration.
Maybe I do get too dependent on the emotional refuge of a significant other.
Maybe I will never find that perfect-for-me person until I can emotionally handle losing them.
So I guess I better start now. In the grand ol' biggy scheme of things....this sadness I feel is pretty insignificant.
Not that I'm dismissing my pain. I've learned to honor my heart and the emotions it feels....but maybe I just need to take my heart out of it's hiding place more often, on a hot air balloon ride....maybe my heart needs to grasp the perspective my mind has been trying to force on it for years. Except maybe it's just that I've been doing it all wrong. Trying to just make rules, order the heart into submission. "UNDERSTAND!!! I COMMAND YOU!!" Yeah...cuz that ever works. Uh..no.
I'm sure this seems simplistic to a great many number of people....but it's a subtle little amazing paradigm shift for me. Maybe I just need to say to my heart, "ok, this is gonna be scary, but we're going on a little trip...but it's an adventure...so if you focus on the excitement, and the hope of better things...when we reach the other side there will be rainbows, and joy, and love, and indescribable beauty....all of these of a caliber that you cannot yet - even - fathom."
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